if i had known what a woman
tasted like earlier in my life
maybe i wouldn’t have
encountered so many **** bitter men
Mar 12, 2018
Mar 12, 2018 at 3:58 AM UTC
it has been a year since you touched me
and within those blurry days left in between,
I have learned myself
right and left, up and down
and though it was hard,
the black and blue parts of me have faded
to the pink flesh native to me
the days pass quickly
and I learned that healing is possible
but I can admit,
my scar tissue still burns with the
mere thought of you
any breath I take can easily become shattered
my inhale coming calm
my exhales leaving ragged, panicked
I am still under your advantage
three hundred miles away
from you,
from that dark night in the backseat of your car
and still, there is not one moment where I forget
not a night that doesn’t cease to scare me,
and I hold my arms close to my chest while I walk
hoping that enough compression will
prevent the blistering of my insides
you haven’t left me yet.
I remain haunted,
and you are worse than any ghost
more fearsome than any demon
but please, upon reading this
I AM STRONGER THAN THE HORRORS YOU LEFT ON MY BODY AND MIND.
Oct 18, 2016
Oct 18, 2016 at 2:48 AM UTC
I wish I could forget
your hot breath on the back of my neck
my hair tangled in your fingers
the pain of it all
as I walked away that night
in the dark, slipping under the fence
back up the stairs and into my bedroom
tears on the pillowcase
I wish you could help me forget
I felt warm in your arms
my soul laughed for the first time
since it had been taken by strong hands
but I can’t always have what feels good
sometimes all that’s left is the suffering
and this weight that presses me down
rooms full of people feel empty
on the inside, I’m empty
I look in the mirror and see
this inhuman horror looking back at me
blank eyes, he took me
he stole everything from me
I’m a walking body but I cannot feel
I **** the life from the loved ones around me
I should not rely so heavily
on others to bring me back up
I am tied to the brick floor
costly to carry me back home
under the fence
up the stairs, my bedroom
bruises on my chest
faded color in my eyes
let me forget, I can’t see
I can’t breathe, I can’t think.
May 30, 2016
May 30, 2016 at 3:57 AM UTC
how are you
I’m good
I’m fine
how are you
I’m numb
I stare up at the ceiling sometimes
to think about nothing
how are you
if I told you
you wouldn’t believe me
so I say nothing
you made me promise
to tell you
when things felt upside down
but they don’t.
I just feel empty
some days I don't even realize
how badly I’m bleeding
until I wake in a pool of my own
thoughts
sometime’s that’s worse than the blood.
I prefer wounded skin over a wounded mind
these thoughts are more than teenage angst
there is nothing angsty about it
there is nothing teen about it
it’s simply the rotting of my mind
cellular decomposition of my optimism
how are you
my every breath is weighted
most days there’s no escape
but no, I’m fine
but no, I’m not fine
cut me from these ropes that tie me down
loosen the chains around my ankles
give me a moment of peace in this misery
give me a moment of feeling through the numb
May 10, 2016
May 10, 2016 at 3:50 AM UTC
some days I feel I'm too full of emotions for
the disconnect we share
physical bluntness leaves me empty
and often intrigues yearning for more
in the middle of the night,
pillow held tightly to my chest
I long for the romance that is being loved
some days it all comes back and hits me
full force, I am not strong enough to stand against it
I can’t close my eyes without feeling your hand
on the back of my head, forcing me
down down down
I often wish that phrase was only a metaphor
maybe that’s the source of my disconnect
some days I feel passion so deep
others I wake up cold and roll over
to pull the covers back over my head
the pain of it varies day to day
no day is the same, the anger fluctuates
I wonder if I’ll ever recover
until then,
I don’t know.
Apr 29, 2016
Apr 29, 2016 at 11:13 PM UTC
weight in my head
weight in my chest
i am on all fours
i am dying but not externally
my brain sends chemical imbalances
like daily mail
i shouldn’t be alive
my body is a mistake
my thoughts are bound
to send me to an early grave
the air always feels so thick
suffering is invisible
i look in the mirror,
see it in the ghostly reflection
of my eyes
I am only half a soul
don’t be afraid
of the dark
but that is all that is inside of me
unknown, cold and unbearable
most days i wonder how i’m loved
monsters are only tamed, not encouraged
it’s a shame that i groom myself down
to not show the impurities that crack me open
and leak out onto the floor
look at my shaking hands, am I alive?
is this a dream?
please wake me, please cure me
Mar 31, 2016
Mar 31, 2016 at 11:59 PM UTC
I can only swallow so many pills
until I begin to choke
my life can no longer be dictated around
eight hundred milligrams of motrin
one tablet of carbamazepine
a few muscle relaxers
who’s really counting anymore?
the pain can only get so much worse
before I drop and never get up
this fire in my cheeks, teeth, temples
MRI scan comes up blank
just my blank brain in my tormented body
unexplained agony
unexplained kicking and screaming into the night
friends complain about period cramps
i would trade my pain for ten years of those
can’t eat, tired all the time
this is not depression I suffer from
but side effects from various medications
that enter my body in periods of six
and haunt my bedside table
as if watching me as I sleep
I want to feel better
I want to feel better
I want to feel better.
Feb 7, 2016
Feb 7, 2016 at 1:28 AM UTC
I could never describe
what I am feeling within
this black ink upon the page
this betrayal
that sinks into my chest
and grabs hold within
I try to breathe
you have a knife to my throat
and I long to be happy
it’s strange how you’re gone
long days of laughter
now filled with emptiness
but I’d rather be empty
than be with you
you make my blood scream
you make my hair stand up
you make my eyes
swing around in my head
I feel unsafe
that my secrets lay between couch cushions
like lost change
I wish I could take them back
wrap them up and hide it under the bed
I wish I could build walls
I climb up the ladder but
it is slick and I
fall further back down every time
and soon there is no place left to fall
except the floor where I lay
in the exact spot you left me
I can’t live in the place I was
controlled and refrained like a bad habit
I’m lost with you
but I’m found without you
while we were together
we were also far apart
maybe losing this will bring me up
even though everyone says
I’m bound to be brought down
but I believe in happiness
I have worshiped the thought of it
held it at my fingertips and watch
as it refused to be touched
this is me telling you
that I am strong
stronger then the weights
you tie at my ankles
and i am sorry
that my idea of happiness
is something you despise
but I am here to say
live with it
like I’ll live without you
Aug 10, 2015
Aug 10, 2015 at 12:28 AM UTC
this is me telling you that I'm letting go
months of emotions running dry
have led to my unrelenting disinterest
and you'll tell me I'm selfish for it
but we both know that it was bound to happen
my love for you was toxic
and eventually turned to waste
but you didn’t want it
even when it rested in your palms
this is me giving you honesty
that years of cutting edge realism
are flourishing in my mind like a disease
and I am realizing things I could have never imagined-
for in the end I was not your moon and stars
and that’s alright
instead I was my own galaxy
eight planets and all, but in the end just a speck
in the epitome of universe in your eyes
this is me saying that I am no worse or better without you
we both bled from our wounds
but unlike you I have already licked mine clean
and begun draining into other sources
this is not like me,
for usually I tend to roll in the mud I create
until I am encased in my everlasting remorse
but like you’ve said before, I have changed
and while we grow apart I wish not to be bitter
nor sweet, for we were neither
generalizing our relationship
is insulting to its legacy
but I still wish to be remembered
as something, as anything
don't let me become a blank space
we were written in pen
long strokes of dark ink
that seemed endless
and now the paper is torn
bits and pieces
of what once was
bits and pieces
isn't that what we both are?
Jun 30, 2015
Jun 30, 2015 at 11:34 PM UTC
when everything had been said and done,
you left without a last word to me
and in my opinion
goodbyes are over romanticized
because there was no argument about it
no aching gaze, no sinking feeling
just a deleted phone number, questions left unasked
and all of a sudden
I am painstakingly alone
without you I have been left without a cause
or a meaning to keep my lungs breathing
and my heart beating
without you I am skin and bones and guilt
I am dark and deep and frigid
my blood may pulsate hot under my skin
but I am an empty shell yearning for fulfillment
and with you gone I will remain this casket
until my body is dead enough to fill it
and rot in the soil ten feet underneath
-
please don’t stand at my grave and say you miss me
Apr 23, 2015
Apr 23, 2015 at 1:19 AM UTC