raquel-butler - Hello Poetry

I want to be your best friend I want to lay on our backs staring at the ceiling talking about everything and nothing contemplating the meaning of life thinking about what we had for breakfast and remembering what we did last summer. I want to be your best friend I want to show up unannounced and be welcomed home invited to the dinner table asked how my family is doing fitting in right where we left off. I want to be your best friend I want to say whatever is on our mind to be light and unrestrictive hold your hand when you’re sad calm you down when you're upset wipe your tears and make you laugh right after forever. I want to be your best friend I want to be your best friend I want to be your best friend

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Sep 18, 2019

Sep 18, 2019 at 12:26 AM UTC

I want to be your best friend

I want to be your best friend I want to lay on our backs staring at the ceiling talking about everything and nothing contemplating the meaning of life thinking about what we had for breakfast and remembering what we did last summer. I want to be your best friend I want to show up unannounced and be welcomed home invited to the dinner table asked how my family is doing fitting in right where we left off. I want to be your best friend I want to say whatever is on our mind to be light and unrestrictive hold your hand when you’re sad calm you down when you're upset wipe your tears and make you laugh right after forever. I want to be your best friend I want to be your best friend I want to be your best friend

22

It is dark there is not enough sun here to make you feel okay again and you may be in the sunshine state but your insides are the deep hollowed the shadows cast on the cement there is no reprieve there is no intermission there is just tired and exhausted and falling too many times to count constantly spiraling constantly finding ways to survive through this cycle through this rough patch it's the third time this week you've cried yourself to sleep and its only Tuesday morning but somehow you remember that even with each breaking feels like so ******* close to the edge that even though each falling feels like you might never breathe again somehow you remember that you have been here so many times before and there may be no reprieve and there is definitely no intermission but even though tired and exhausted and falling you have survived this far you may not be sure you'll ever make it out of the shadows but you're pretty **** sure you'll keep on surviving anyway

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Sep 15, 2018

Sep 15, 2018 at 10:29 PM UTC

:(:

It is dark there is not enough sun here to make you feel okay again and you may be in the sunshine state but your insides are the deep hollowed the shadows cast on the cement there is no reprieve there is no intermission there is just tired and exhausted and falling too many times to count constantly spiraling constantly finding ways to survive through this cycle through this rough patch it's the third time this week you've cried yourself to sleep and its only Tuesday morning but somehow you remember that even with each breaking feels like so ******* close to the edge that even though each falling feels like you might never breathe again somehow you remember that you have been here so many times before and there may be no reprieve and there is definitely no intermission but even though tired and exhausted and falling you have survived this far you may not be sure you'll ever make it out of the shadows but you're pretty **** sure you'll keep on surviving anyway

32

I find it oddly reassuring, to consume art that consists of sorrow. The ability to create from a place of deep distress, to put words to feelings that go unnoticed. There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this, that there are some who feel the plight in your bones. To not shy away from the hurt that you feel, To look inside yourself and find that you are not always happy to be here. There is comfort in acknowledging that you have been broken, in understanding all the ways in which you have been seared into. Once you have felt comfort in your darkest depths, Once you have faced what has pained your soul, This is when you can finally begin to heal.

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Aug 16, 2018

Aug 16, 2018 at 1:21 AM UTC

acceptance

I find it oddly reassuring, to consume art that consists of sorrow. The ability to create from a place of deep distress, to put words to feelings that go unnoticed. There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this, that there are some who feel the plight in your bones. To not shy away from the hurt that you feel, To look inside yourself and find that you are not always happy to be here. There is comfort in acknowledging that you have been broken, in understanding all the ways in which you have been seared into. Once you have felt comfort in your darkest depths, Once you have faced what has pained your soul, This is when you can finally begin to heal.

24

How does one go upon forgiving something they never faced? Avoidance is a forbidden fruit that yields only bitter aftertaste. Do we mislead to be okay, just to elude the debates? Do we ignore the pain, just to keep up the harmonious masquerades? And these contradictions we face: Of loving someone so much we disregard our own aches, even when they are those causal to this fate. This is a forgiveness we do not create, this is remembering what we cannot erase.

0

Mar 16, 2018

Mar 16, 2018 at 12:47 AM UTC

to be or not to be

How does one go upon forgiving something they never faced? Avoidance is a forbidden fruit that yields only bitter aftertaste. Do we mislead to be okay, just to elude the debates? Do we ignore the pain, just to keep up the harmonious masquerades? And these contradictions we face: Of loving someone so much we disregard our own aches, even when they are those causal to this fate. This is a forgiveness we do not create, this is remembering what we cannot erase.

14

At this age you should be fine You have a job and some friends and a lover don't mention the classes your taking this semester Its been at least 10 years since it ended you can't quite remember the details of when You've been trying to forget for so long its like forgetting a pop song but this isnt some cheerful or happy up beat this isnt lryics you'd like to repeat See a little boy thought you were a toy doctor and marriage his script to ensure you took the part in his play You took the bait and obeyed as long as you were quiet You could play with his games You never knew quite the problem with the noise until you grew older and your throat grew a boulder your lungs filled half way permanently hindered You began to wonder what you had done wrong If you had taught him the unrepeatable song the one your tongue tied can't sputter mixed up words to a horrible song you remember on repeat in the back of A brain so set on forgetting but the radio only plays your unrepeatable songs so many versions you cant possibly escape any longer the words bubble up your half filled throat threatening to explode the words that won't sing and maybe it happened and maybe you broke and maybe the melody won't ever be known but you're still on surviving so let it be known: you aren't what you've been through, but what you become.

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Jan 20, 2018

Jan 20, 2018 at 9:32 PM UTC

the unrepeatable song

At this age you should be fine You have a job and some friends and a lover don't mention the classes your taking this semester Its been at least 10 years since it ended you can't quite remember the details of when You've been trying to forget for so long its like forgetting a pop song but this isnt some cheerful or happy up beat this isnt lryics you'd like to repeat See a little boy thought you were a toy doctor and marriage his script to ensure you took the part in his play You took the bait and obeyed as long as you were quiet You could play with his games You never knew quite the problem with the noise until you grew older and your throat grew a boulder your lungs filled half way permanently hindered You began to wonder what you had done wrong If you had taught him the unrepeatable song the one your tongue tied can't sputter mixed up words to a horrible song you remember on repeat in the back of A brain so set on forgetting but the radio only plays your unrepeatable songs so many versions you cant possibly escape any longer the words bubble up your half filled throat threatening to explode the words that won't sing and maybe it happened and maybe you broke and maybe the melody won't ever be known but you're still on surviving so let it be known: you aren't what you've been through, but what you become.

42

I love you: In that park on that bench On those steps At the corner of every ******* street You are sweet nectar and everything feels Like bitter aftertaste now Under bright disco lights To the tune of a melody That blooms with longing To be within reach To be within earshot To be without distance Our love can withstand any measure But my heart is heavy with missing you And not just our sweaty tangled bodies Desperate to please each other Hungry kisses down to our cores But all of you The softness of our hands gently collapsing into each other Like being elsewhere would **** us to an eternity apart The softness of our bodies gently leaning into each other Like support as if we where fragile vessels that would break The softness of your love displaying in varying ways Like each person received a unique part of you Like everyone was special Most of all I miss the gentle time we spent on the train in the city An alliance of mutual love and adoration I did my best to take it all in and stay present But here we are a week later And my memories are all I have I miss you, I love you Please come see me soon my love I can’t bear to be apart so long.

0

Dec 1, 2017

Dec 1, 2017 at 12:42 AM UTC

to my muse, con todo mi amor

I love you: In that park on that bench On those steps At the corner of every ******* street You are sweet nectar and everything feels Like bitter aftertaste now Under bright disco lights To the tune of a melody That blooms with longing To be within reach To be within earshot To be without distance Our love can withstand any measure But my heart is heavy with missing you And not just our sweaty tangled bodies Desperate to please each other Hungry kisses down to our cores But all of you The softness of our hands gently collapsing into each other Like being elsewhere would **** us to an eternity apart The softness of our bodies gently leaning into each other Like support as if we where fragile vessels that would break The softness of your love displaying in varying ways Like each person received a unique part of you Like everyone was special Most of all I miss the gentle time we spent on the train in the city An alliance of mutual love and adoration I did my best to take it all in and stay present But here we are a week later And my memories are all I have I miss you, I love you Please come see me soon my love I can’t bear to be apart so long.

33

I am so much more than I ever expected to be Despite drowning in this insufficiency A chorus of deafening inadequacy Proving myself and others wrong, So deliciously I never expected to be so far I expected to be much farther I never expected to be alive I expected to be demising I know I’ve hurt I know I’ve broken others I know I’ve bruised I know I’ve used others Regretful I suppose No Just reactionary behavior And I have succumbed to my darkest depths Though they have never won And I have fallen back 12 steps Yet still, I scale the rungs So when I say “I’ve given up” Never do believe me I am capable of getting up Love, I’m just that crazy.

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Nov 9, 2017

Nov 9, 2017 at 8:33 PM UTC

I can

I am so much more than I ever expected to be Despite drowning in this insufficiency A chorus of deafening inadequacy Proving myself and others wrong, So deliciously I never expected to be so far I expected to be much farther I never expected to be alive I expected to be demising I know I’ve hurt I know I’ve broken others I know I’ve bruised I know I’ve used others Regretful I suppose No Just reactionary behavior And I have succumbed to my darkest depths Though they have never won And I have fallen back 12 steps Yet still, I scale the rungs So when I say “I’ve given up” Never do believe me I am capable of getting up Love, I’m just that crazy.

24

This feeling, of wavering uncertainty, of overwhelming doubt and warning. This feeling, its whispering in my ear, to run 100 yards in the opposite direction. This feeling, is grabbing my heart, and squeezing it so tightly I don't know whether I'm living or dying. This feeling, is playing all the right notes in my head, despite every warning bell ringing in my ears. This feeling, this feeling is telling me to love, to risk, to give, to trust, to taste like never before. This feeling, is teaching me how to love you, all in.

0

Oct 19, 2017

Oct 19, 2017 at 7:59 PM UTC

This feeling...

This feeling, of wavering uncertainty, of overwhelming doubt and warning. This feeling, its whispering in my ear, to run 100 yards in the opposite direction. This feeling, is grabbing my heart, and squeezing it so tightly I don't know whether I'm living or dying. This feeling, is playing all the right notes in my head, despite every warning bell ringing in my ears. This feeling, this feeling is telling me to love, to risk, to give, to trust, to taste like never before. This feeling, is teaching me how to love you, all in.

20

If I knew then What I know now? That my words were safe in you That my heart was safe with you That I had little to fear but myself If I knew then What I know now? I would have said it all I would have given you my heart I wouldn’t have hesitated trusting you If I knew then What I know now? Oh but *I knew, I knew, I knew*, You had me from the start.

0

Sep 27, 2017

Sep 27, 2017 at 8:50 PM UTC

I knew

If I knew then What I know now? That my words were safe in you That my heart was safe with you That I had little to fear but myself If I knew then What I know now? I would have said it all I would have given you my heart I wouldn’t have hesitated trusting you If I knew then What I know now? Oh but *I knew, I knew, I knew*, You had me from the start.

15

I guess we never had a resolution, no obvious end. I never was quite sure whether to be happy or sad. Now I know, I am angry I am furious I can't even formulate just how heartbroken I am. Losing you was losing the one person who kept me sane, you understood where I stood…or so I thought. And friendships are never 50/50 that I understood quite well, when we first met I was there for you with everything I was there And yet I can't say the same for you. I always pulled my 80/20 without complaint because I wanted you to be there; alive and well. But so it seems, I couldn’t be given the same courtesy. Because when I was lying on my bathroom floor about to down a bottle of pills you weren’t there, and you weren’t there when I needed to release my thoughts, and you weren’t there you weren’t ******* there. Apparently when I gave you my all my love apparently when I allowed myself to be drained of everything that was me Apparently that wasn’t enough to convince you I was worthy of you, apparently I hadn’t done enough to be able to fall apart within your grasp and for you to ******* notice and not let me shatter on the floor. Apparently, I wasn’t clear enough when I said I wanted to die. And now I’m destroying everyone I love because nobody ever taught me how to love that. And now I’m destroying myself because nobody ever taught me to love that either.

0

Sep 1, 2017

Sep 1, 2017 at 9:06 PM UTC

An open letter to a former friend:

I guess we never had a resolution, no obvious end. I never was quite sure whether to be happy or sad. Now I know, I am angry I am furious I can't even formulate just how heartbroken I am. Losing you was losing the one person who kept me sane, you understood where I stood…or so I thought. And friendships are never 50/50 that I understood quite well, when we first met I was there for you with everything I was there And yet I can't say the same for you. I always pulled my 80/20 without complaint because I wanted you to be there; alive and well. But so it seems, I couldn’t be given the same courtesy. Because when I was lying on my bathroom floor about to down a bottle of pills you weren’t there, and you weren’t there when I needed to release my thoughts, and you weren’t there you weren’t ******* there. Apparently when I gave you my all my love apparently when I allowed myself to be drained of everything that was me Apparently that wasn’t enough to convince you I was worthy of you, apparently I hadn’t done enough to be able to fall apart within your grasp and for you to ******* notice and not let me shatter on the floor. Apparently, I wasn’t clear enough when I said I wanted to die. And now I’m destroying everyone I love because nobody ever taught me how to love that. And now I’m destroying myself because nobody ever taught me to love that either.

11