Every morning I wake up and make sure it's true
Stuck in a nightmare where I replay the same day, but instead, it's just a feeling I can't shake off
It starts with the pain I feel knowing he could hurt me again
Followed by the circles in my stomach as I think of her making him satisfied and whole again
Then come the tears as I realize I'm not what he ever wanted
I wasn't ever made for him the way he was made for me
In my eyes, he was never perfect
But perfect isn't what I was searching for
I was on a hunt for love like no other
One that would erase all the pain from before
A love I could use as a trophy after survival
But I placed too much trust in him
In the ability for another human to devote time and care for me
Someone with little value and absolutely no self-love
Nobody loves a tortured girl, not even the ones who enjoy causing the pain
Nov 16, 2023
Nov 16, 2023 at 5:53 PM UTC
The many ways I've told myself I am not worthy of love
All the words I left as a reminder of the pain
You'd find me under all the "I'm sorry" responses they left
Never really understanding the extent of the pain
I'd be lost under the rubble of the self-pity and disdain
Could I have been better at dodging the hurt?
To what extent did the wounds have to go?
Nov 16, 2023
Nov 16, 2023 at 1:51 PM UTC
Your words spilled as I was gutted
Her silhouette became the blueprint of everything I wasn't
My body lay disintegrating into the thread count
Where we once laid and blended limbs until we felt whole
Placing bones, one on top of the other
Like a maze for anyone who tried to unravel
Now I lay with just one body and no heart
Heaving for air as I recall the times you whispered promises
Validating a love I had not predicted would build resilience
How should I beg when you leave?
What pattern of words would make the love run deeper than regret?
Nov 16, 2023
Nov 16, 2023 at 1:30 PM UTC
She’d be profound if she shared wiser words
The kind to evoke relativity
Yet, she shares simple pleasures only
Heart and mind dabble within her
Sharing pieces would feel enough
But every urge encourages a deeper focus
Learning from behavior would be wise
She could share pieces if it meant holding on to whats hidden
The darkest bits of misfortune
It’ll all entail a journey through understanding
An aspect of humanity not generously shared
Divided among willingness and doubt
She could walk the line
But with every ache there’s a story
Heavy words to carry
The kind to not roll off her back
Like pebbles wrestling through a river
Soundly words sing lyrics of torture through her mind
Echos of memories and flashes of disdain
She is encompassed by all that was
As she remains
Jan 17, 2021
Jan 17, 2021 at 12:42 AM UTC
This is it.
The end of us.
I lay my pain to rest, but if I could take another bullet I would
It was always worth it as long as I was rapped in your arms by the end of the day
If at night you held me close, id try to forget how you held her
When the lies filled up and drowned us, I enjoyed running away with you
It was always easier when I hid your torture from the world
As long as I was smiling, they wouldn't know you were trying to **** me
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the pummeling of my heart ever so often
I became drums to a musical show that I paid to enjoy
I'd feel the beatings to my heart just to hear your voice
Yet, when the world felt like it was eating me whole
Your embrace made it all feel like home
So i'll miss you
I'll think of us
Of you
And every attempt to end me
Sep 18, 2019
Sep 18, 2019 at 7:46 PM UTC
i am so sad.
id usually come up with a more elegant ensemble of words to tell you this
but today
im too sad
too upset
obviously missing most of my sense
i cant even think of words that go together to show you how ugly i am inside
mirrors would shatter at the sight of the dread going on within me
but im breathing
thats all that really matters right
as long as im standing here like an open wound for all to open up
like a stick and poke
id like to see myself as the messenger for my inner works
but all i can hear are cries and screams for help
so help.
help me forget the hurt
allow me to see some of the good
because at this moment in time, im facing the most visible memories of pain
but i must keep breathing right
because as long as im standing here for everyone to see
they can all think of new ways to pull me apart
until the thin string of sanity has completely disappeared
Sep 5, 2019
Sep 5, 2019 at 9:33 PM UTC
i knew i would be alone
from the moment i began to isolate myself
not because i felt neglected
but because loneliness was when my mind felt the safest
where i could wander within myself
no additional voices to cater to
i swam in my own emotions
enough to fill a sea
so when i end up alone again
dont pity me
ill be dancing by the sea
singing along with the voices in my head
basking in my own glory
Aug 15, 2019
Aug 15, 2019 at 4:06 PM UTC
i remember loving you
knowing how comfortably my heart fell into your palms
trusting every word your soul spoke
even thinking about our future as one
the children we would have had
what color eyes do you think they would of had?
hopefully a color that wont pierce aggressively like your lies
the ones you spit at me like darts
aimed straight at my heart
the one that wont trust a word you say anymore
would I even believe you if you said your name?
lets speak louder now
ive gotten used to yelling over the lies
hoping the volume will cancel out the past
but I still see you
laying on top of her
whispering how happy she makes you
lets speak quietly now
eventually our hearts will give up too
catch up to our minds
invest in our futures
instead of this ailing relationship
Jul 10, 2019
Jul 10, 2019 at 11:12 PM UTC
I've become the best director
implanted countless scenes into my brain
you always get the lead role
the guy and whatever girl he can get
the one who hurt him in the past
or the girl that gives it away so easily
my brain begins to malfunction from all the processing
who knows what ill make up next
but the thing is, its not all imagination
see you've set the play for me
you found the characters
and it was you who gave me the story
it was your actions that created the nightmare in my brain
all I can do now is try to decipher the reality
how long did you hold her?
how happy did you make her?
what did you tell her as you laid over her?
did I ever cross your mind as you touched her?
but most importantly
when will I forget?
I don't think theres enough time in the world for it
I fear that I'll grow old and carry this pain with me
I'm afraid my bones are too weak now
Apr 9, 2019
Apr 9, 2019 at 10:36 PM UTC
skin to skin
lips to lips
he laid with her unraveled in fantasies
a world where i didn't exist
a place where i had no importance
she was all he thought of
his thoughts were consumed by every curve in her body and every inch of her skin
i laid in the darkest place my mind could find
all while he became a nest of comfort for her
she got the comfort of his skin
I got to lay in an empty room with a mind filled with destruction
trying to forget is like running from the truth
he was there and i was barely breathing
she got him and i got the truth
the reality that love isn't real
nobody cares and nobody will
Apr 4, 2019
Apr 4, 2019 at 11:34 PM UTC