Numb, never felt anything but the numbness inside of me
I always wonder if I could feel anything else but the numbness
I tried everything from, kissing, hanging out with my close friends, heck even cutting
Nothing was working, why was nothing working?
What was I doing so wrong?
Why couldn’t I feel what others were feeling?
I kept asking what I was doing wrong.
What is the right way of feeling?
I would ask over and over, the answers given to me were not the ones I wanted.
I felt that anything I did or was doing was okay.
But was it really okay?
After a while my mom and sister sat down with me to talk to me
"Sweetie is there anything you want to talk about."
My sweet lovely mother asked with her bright brown eyes and reminded me of chocolate staring into my soul
I slowly lifted my head and made the no sign.
Than my sister, oh how I envied her, with her bright blue eyes holding on to a clear blue sky, after a spring rain.
I did the same sign to her.
Never actually saying what I really felt.
They kept asking the questions over and over.
I didn't want to talk, they didn't listen to me, they never listen to me.
I finally had it "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I DONT WANT TO TALK!" I screamed with tears streaming down my face.
I was done, absolute done with everything.
I wrote a letter to my family saying I am sorry for everything I have done in the past couple of days and that I will no longer bother them. And I also wrote what I wanted on my tombstone. "Here lays the only girl that never felt nothing but emptiness"
I grasped the razor, I said,the one thing I would never touch after what happened last time, and I made a deep cut on my wrist.
And all I thought when it happened as "finally I won’t feel so emotionless anymore, I will be where I belong, six feet under not feeling so empty anymore."
But things changed for the best.
My mother found me and so did my sister.
I could hear the screaming from them.
My mom screaming why, over and over.
The same goes with my sister.
I feel my eyes closed.
After a while I hear beeping of a heart montour.
I wake up to see my sister and mom sleeping next to my hospital bed.
I was glad to see them alright.
That is when I realized that I had emotion but it just took a while to find it.
Mar 8, 2017
Mar 8, 2017 at 10:41 PM UTC
Hello my name is heartbreak
I am here to steal your heart away
you never thought that I would show up and crash the show
Well I guess you guessed wrong
I creep up on you like a tiger haunting his prey
Silent yet deadly, sometimes
When you finally realize that I am there it is to late
I have taken your heart and it is mine to keep
You try and try to make a deal, but you are only making it worse for yourself
I keep your heart in a box in a safe place.
I finally bargain with you so you can have your heart back again.
You and I must play a game
What game you ask?
A simple game of chance
If you can find true love you get your heart back, but it is more complex than you think
You run around trying to find it, but you haven't tired as hard as you need to
I give you hints you where to find it at, but you never bother to listen to the words I say.
So I ask again and again "Are you sure you want to play with your heart on the line?"
You keep replying with the same one word answer that I love to hear "yes."
As we go around and around in circles we make it into a dance where I am the lead and you are the follower.
In a circle we dance on point toed shoes
You take a leap of faith into my arms, but when the curtain closes you are left alone with all your guilt and sorrows
I ask you the question again and the same answer you give is simple bliss
We keep going and going until you are finally done
You finally ask the question I wanted to hear " what is true love exactly?"
I reply with a riddle " it is not on the surface but deep underneath, like a beast in a deep sleep."
You stop and think about how to figure out the
riddle but you can't figure it out.
As I watch you try I want to laugh
Seeing how hard it is for you to figure out a simple riddle is some what amusing
There is no time limit on this riddle
So while I wait I will play a ****** on my fiddle
While I play you think about it over and over again and you get angry at yourself for not knowing the answer
You ask the question again and I reply with the same kind of riddle
You ponder on the answer and how to find it.
You keep looking for it as if it is an object in physical form
When it come time you give up not looking anymore
You ask for the answer and I give it to you
I say " it is a simple answer to a simple riddle. The answer is you find true love within yourself. You can only find it when you finally realize that no one can love you truly unless you love yourself."
I keep your heart and you finally realize that I will keep your heart until you love love yourself confidently
Hello my name is heartbreak
And I am here to protect your heart from yourself.
Finally You come to your senses
And start loving yourself as you are ment to do in the first place.
We run into each other again and I see how you are doing with loving yourself
You have made a great leap
I give you your heart back and see if you can handle it with care
A few months later
I come to see you again
I find you in a dark alley beaten and bruised
You fell in love with a wrong type of man
I finally realized that you were not ready for you heart back
I take it and I ask "Why are you on the ***** ground in a dark alleyway?"
You reply with a simple head shake in a no idea formation.
With that I can tell that people have hurt you and he has taken away your self confidence
Mar 6, 2017
Mar 6, 2017 at 5:28 AM UTC
There sits a little girl.
A little girl who wants nothing more than to vanish
Vanish like her mom, and dad did.
To vanish like her grandma did when she was only three.
The little girl didn't know what the word death meant
Hell she was only three.
Now she is thirteen, with trust issues.
Trust issues is not normal for a girl and the age of thirteen.
But what they don't know is this little thirteen year old is well aware of every thing
Aware that one day everyone she loves is going to vanish.
By the age of fifteen she wants to vanish like grandma did.
She thinks that vanishing would be the only way to get all the pain or of her body, and mind.
To vanish because she thought she didn't belong there
To vanish little a leaf on the wind
To vanish so no one would state at her when she would walk down the halls of her high school.
To vanish so the scars on her wrist wouldn't have to be covered anymore
To vanish from all the beating from the man she is supposed to call dad.
She just want to vanish.
Now at the age of eighteen
She is allowed to vanish.
Vanish from the pain and misery of leaving in a broken dollhouse.
Vanish from the man she supposed to call dad.
Vanish from all the pain and misery of the last four years in a hell called high school.
She is going to pull the biggest vanishing acts of all time.
That vanishing act would be the one thing every senior in the world would like to call graduation.
She would graduate from the pain of walking the hall of high school, middle school, and elementary school.
To graduate from the cuts on her wrist, and the turtle necks.
To graduate from her former self doubt
To graduate from the one place she thought she would never leave.
She finally gets to vanish.
Mar 6, 2017
Mar 6, 2017 at 5:24 AM UTC
I am sorry for...
If I have disappointed you.
That I am not good with keeping my grades up.
That I am mad at the wrong times.
To my sisters who think I am strong enough to hold the world on my shoulders. even though I am not.
The animals in my family.
If I am dark and mysterious.
If I wear to much black.
If I don't follow religion.
If I have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend.
If I don't follow your standards.
If I haven't follow the dream you set out for me.
If I am not the motherly sister you want me to be.
If I not don't smile as often.
If I don't shine bright enough like the sun and moon.
I am sorry.....
You know what I am not sorry.
I will never be sorry for what I have done for my family.
I will smile like the sun, like the moon.
I will play the role of mom if I need too.
I will show my sister that I do carry the world on my shoulders.
I will show my parents that I am trying in school, trying to get better grades.
I will follow my own dream.
I will not follow other peoples standards.
I will love girlfriend.
I will love my friends and family.
I will be dark and mysterious.
I will wear all the black that I want.
I will not say that I am sorry anymore.
I have no one to say I am sorry to anymore.
Nov 30, 2015
Nov 30, 2015 at 9:53 PM UTC
I walk into the school
I believe it is my personal hell
People pick on me
I want to cry because of it
I stay home because of them
I try to go stay home but my mom says i can't
I sometimes wish i could die
But i remember i have friends and family that i would miss
So i walk in to school with a smile on my face
People pick on me
I just smile and walk away
I remember a saying my family and friends say all the time
Hater are just going to hate
You are beautiful no matter what is going on in life
I remember all of it
I walk through the school with a smile on my face
And i tell the haters to go away because they have nothing on me
Remember walk through the school with a smile accompanying you through the hard time
Also remember your family and friends before you plan something worse then someone bullying you
Oct 30, 2015
Oct 30, 2015 at 9:04 PM UTC
Rachel is the name my mom gave me
Rachel is someone sweet
Rachel is a secret keeper
Rachel is a little momma
Bur rachel has her dark secrets
Rachel is sometimes angry
Rachel is sometimes cranky
Rachel is sometimes depressed
Rachel is also sometimes only
But rachel as siblings who care for her
An older brother is happy for her happiness
Sisters who can tell she as been crying
A mother who loves her so
A father who also loves her
Mother giving her confidence
Mother loves her for the littlest things
This girl is me
Rachel is the name i will carry to the grave
Oct 22, 2015
Oct 22, 2015 at 11:11 AM UTC
I want to believe I live in a dollhouse
Where nothing is wrong, nothing is broken.
I want to live in a dollhouse
Where everything is permitted
But in reality nothing is like the dollhouse I want
In reality I live in a broken house
Where mother and father live in separate houses
Where brother and sisters fight over stupid things
Where younger sisters fight and bicker over the littlest things
Where going to a different house every other weekend
Where a nineteen year old bother is still working for a job.
Where the seventeen year old is working part time job to help with the bills
I dream of a dollhouse
Where mother and father are together
Where siblings get along
Where older brother works
Where older sister is helping with younger sister
Where everything is in place
Where everything is permitted
The one thing I want....
I want to live in a doll house
I want to be like a porcelain doll
A porcelain doll with nothing broken, just a little cracked
But reality trips me over telling me
"nothing is going to be the way you want"
I sit there thinking "Why bother?"
Then I remember something my sister told me
"Over think the possible"
But reality is telling me not too
In reality I am a broken doll, coming from a broken home
Where mother works a nine hour shift
Where father leaves town
Where older sister gets her heart broken
Where younger sisters want to beat the guys up for it.
Where older brother is lazy like a dog not wanting to hunt.
Where mother has a boyfriend who cares for us like a father should
Where father has a girlfriend who also cares for us
But I want to live like a porcelain doll in a dollhouse
A dollhouse where mother and boyfriend are married
Where a family is a family
Where sisters are playing around
Where oldest sister can read a book without splitting up fights
Where brother helps with the sisters schoolwork
Where music is louder than a bomb
Where sisters can share things like secrets
Where books and music rule the house.
Where siblings listen to their parents and obey the rules
Where friends can come over and stay awhile
Where we can run around without getting in trouble.
Where father can build computers
But reality reminds me, he controls the show
And I **** in with "I can do anything because my house right now is my dollhouse"
My doll house has everything..
My dollhouse acronym
D= Do what you love
O= Over think the possible
L=Love with all your heart
L= Let go of the negative thoughts
H=Have faith in your family
O= Over think the ideas you seem impossible
U=Understand that you are loved
S= See the inside beauty not just the outside
E= Everything is going to be alright.
DOLLHOUSE!
Oct 17, 2015
Oct 17, 2015 at 12:01 AM UTC