rachel-gonzalez
Swedish
I'm just your average everyday woman with lots to say. Writing is my way of getting my thoughts out in a healthy way and I just enjoy doing it (unless it's homework). I am interested in what you have to say but in general I really just want to finally share my experiences.
I lost sight of who I was
I was vulnerable and you saw your chance
You seemed perfect
With you I could not stop smiling
Giving me butterflies like in the movies
I should have known this was all just a game
I should have known that it would not go as I had wished
Stop trying to let me down easy for I know your games
Just be honest with yourself
Be honest with me so I can forgive and forget
That's all I ever asked of you
But every time I opened up to you,
You would shut me out and ignore me
So what was there for me to do?
Other than give up?
So I've learned to accept I lost
I fell for your trap and became another one of your girls
I hope you see what you've done
I hope you feel some guilt for the promises you broke
But in the end I will move on
I will find my way back to who I am
With or without you by my side
Jun 4, 2012
Jun 4, 2012 at 3:09 PM UTC
Life is a roller coaster
People will pick you up
And then be the ones to knock
You back down
But that is why we get back on the ride
Once it all ends
We know eventually things
Will go back up
Things will go back to when they were good
Jan 26, 2012
Jan 26, 2012 at 11:47 PM UTC
I step outside your front door
And immediately my whole body goes numb
I can feel my skin rising up as the first goose bumps form.
The journey to the car seems all too short and familiar.
Every step and inch closer makes my heart ache to collapse
There is emptiness in your eyes
As you routinely hug us goodbye
Why can you not face me or them or her?
Those three words are cancer to your tongue.
If only you knew,
If only anyone knew
that the second your out of sight
I begin to tremble and fight to choke back my fears
Silently tears stream down my face,
One after another, never ceasing to stop.
For each tear,
I wish and pray
That everything would just go away
I need a new beginning
I need a new homecoming.
Jan 24, 2012
Jan 24, 2012 at 8:39 PM UTC
What am I doing?
Logic and emotion tear me from facing reality.
While you continue to point out my flaws,
I continue to play along.
What are we doing?
Forming connections and regrets that will only
Be forgotten in the upcoming years
I keep trying to read between the lines
I am scared to death,
My throat feels like it's collapsing
Whenever the future crosses my mind
Life has become too much to handle
With every smile I fake
And every apology I buy
I slowly slip away
Who am I?
I hate this person I have become
Both inside and out
I judge and am judged
Hypocrisy and lies blur my vision
Please guide me to the answers
Where am I supposed to go in life?
I just need a sign,
A purpose,
A reason for all of this suffering.
Someone please save me
Before I lose everything.
Jan 24, 2012
Jan 24, 2012 at 8:35 PM UTC
I do not know what I see,
Fog clutters my mind making breathing hardly a thing.
There is this deep sinking feeling;
It and the pain will never fade
As each day passes,
I feel as though time has stopped ticking
Will anyone notice as I drown in my fears,
Praying this is all just a dream?
Will anyone notice as my wounds get deeper
And thicken my life with error
Mistakes too long repeated,
There is no going back
But still I sit and stare,
Waiting for your familiar face
To walk back through that door
Never will I adjust to the fact
That you are not coming back
You left us too soon
Without any reason
Now I'm losing time,
I'm losing my mind
Will anyone notice?
Jan 24, 2012
Jan 24, 2012 at 8:30 PM UTC
Tonight I can write about the nights you have abandoned me,
The nights I agree with your absurdities
So young and naive, never did I understand what made them separate.
Always blaming myself, I never understood what made you such a bad man.
It's like clockwork, for everyday this man I do not recognize walks through the door,
Quietly I repeat, 'he cannot be the father I once loved'
Never knowing what to expect, I lock myself in my room and blast music,
Drowning everything out.
I avoid what will soon become an hour of nonsense.
Hearing the loud thumps up the stairs, I realize it is my turn.
Any small thing I have done or not done is now game.
These are the nights that make our 'relationship' continue to thrive on hatred.
I ask myself why you do this, why you call yourself the 'cancer' in my life.
Your apologies mean nothing.
Day after day we continue our isolated lives, never speaking.
Never anywhere near each other.
This is how we function and neither one of us is willing to change.
We are as stubborn as addicts.
No longer do I blame myself for our failed relationship,
Instead I tell myself that you do love me and never learned how to show it.
Occasionally I can look you in the face and call you my father without blaming you.
I continue to hope everything will improve.
Still some of the things you have said can never be undone or forgotten.
Tonight I can write as the pain slowly keeps slipping from my hearts grasp.
Jan 24, 2012
Jan 24, 2012 at 8:27 PM UTC
Make me see clearly
How much you love me
Don't call me your angel
When you go home to lies
You used to fool me
But now that I'm older
I see what you've become
You are lost in a world of hate
Stop diving further
Into this never ending cycle
Only you can fix what you've become
Only you can make me see clearly
Jan 24, 2012
Jan 24, 2012 at 8:18 PM UTC
It was unreal having you here
I showed you my life, my world
It was as if you had always been a part of it
You made being in the city I love so much more
And now that your gone I wonder
If it will all feel wrong
I know with time
I will see you again
But it seems so far away
So for now I'll close my eyes
And see May
Where I'll be with you once again
Jan 24, 2012
Jan 24, 2012 at 8:12 PM UTC