I never thought my arms were bad
Until my sleeves rode up and the boy next to me in English snorted and gagged like he'd just touched something slimy and chill-worthy and then continued to say "Jesus Christ your arms, what the ****
I don't think I've ever been so silent
Maybe tomorrow he'll gag a lot more
Feb 4, 2015
Feb 4, 2015 at 10:59 AM UTC
My head is a mess and I'm not really okay
And I'm sorry I can't tell you what the matter is
You're scared that it's you but I swear that it's me
I got to your house and you asked me to dance
Footloose, I'm not even supposed to be seeing you
Romeo and Juliet with the ending and all
My footsteps are clumsy I am sorry
You twirl me and catch me
I want you to stay we can dance while the world burns around us
You've brought me to a camper tonight
Do you know how perfect this is?
It is cold and you are warm so you are mine
You're content with talking to me
I think
I'm sorry I'm not okay with doing more
You kiss my scarred face and my arms
Do you know how much I dream about you?
I'm asleep on your chest
I'm sorry I didn't stay awake
It's a Monday night
Did you know Monday is the most popular day to commit suicide?
It's fitting
Sorry
My mind is a mess and you want to know why
I swear it's not you it's me
But I'm okay I won't ever tell you anything except that
Your eyes remind me of home
But not my home
Because you make me calm and happy
I don't have a home so I will stay with you
Jan 27, 2015
Jan 27, 2015 at 12:27 PM UTC
Could you please please let me know how my life got to be the way it is?
One minute I'm a bird
The next I'm a bobber in choppy water
The next I'm a cinder block dropped in the ocean
I don't understand why good things go and worse things come
I don't understand the prerequisites I completed to deserve the ******** I've been handed
I never will
Please please try to explain
Jan 27, 2015
Jan 27, 2015 at 12:26 PM UTC
body dismorphic disorder in the form of cuts will never be deep enough to have an "actual problem"
body dismorphic disorder in the form of cuts will never be large enough to have an "actual problem"
perfectionism in the form of cuts will never be as long as they're supposed to be
perfectionism in the form of cuts will never be as wide and as deep as they're supposed to be
how do I make myself realize I've completely destroyed myself in an attempt to feel okay for a little
how do I make myself realize I've completely destroyed myself in an attempt to fit everything into my perfectionist mentality
this is an apology to my arms and no promises
Jan 24, 2015
Jan 24, 2015 at 11:03 PM UTC
if you've never collapsed in the snow in front of a fresh grave then I don't want to hear it
3 months feels like 3 eternities without you on this earth
it shatters every part of me to think that you're decomposing, that you're slipping away
tonight, your 3 month death anniversary, I drove to you, got out of my car, and fell to my knees in front of you. my handprints are in front of the flowers people left for you. I was there.
were you there to?
thank you for sending me him, I think you meant it as something to make me happy in the midst of losing you. he wants to see you too, with me. we'll come soon, my angel.
I decided to drink and now I'm too drunk and I can hear your laugh and the sound of it is slamming against the sides of my skull while my face is covered in tears. drinking was a bad idea. can everyone please go away while I melt?
I miss you
I love you
I hope you're safe
this is real life
tell me if you get this
forever, Chris.
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 11:41 PM UTC
2 months and 21 days ago you took your last precious breath. I survive knowing I breath the same air you did.
2 years ago we drank beer and rolled around in the cemetary behind my house in the warm summer laughing at the way we tripped and our untied shoelaces and the way the stars glittered off the marble headstones
2 months and 14 days ago I crumbled in the back of a church while your stepfather read his favorite things about you.
2 months and 14 days ago I watched your casket lower into the dirt, the balloons the town let go for you, to follow you into the sky.
For 2 months and 14 days I watched the grass grow over you through Instagram and Snapchat, your name living on through Ariel size 12pt. when your name thundered out of my mouth while I drove, while your face begged me to stay in my dreams, while your lips screamed I'M RIGHT HERE only inches away from mine. Your laugh echoes in my ears and your smile clouds my vision, always.
Today I worked up the nerve to visit you for the first time in 2 months and 14 days. snow was twinkling off the marble and the sky was sad, the kind of sad where you can't seem to drag yourself out of bed. I knelt down as your ever-lasting candle flame burned a little brighter, and pressed my hands right above where you were. I don't know how long they were there for, but you couldn't touch me back. I left broken hearted. Fly high, my angel. I miss you, Chris.
Jan 6, 2015
Jan 6, 2015 at 11:01 PM UTC
should I stop writing about you?
if I'm writing about what's on my mind then I'll never be able to
I see you on every side walk I pass
In every store I go into
In every room of my house
In my bedroom
In my bed
In my dreams
No, you're never leaving.
But I never want you to.
When I talk to people all I see is their ****** expressions as an entire town watched you get buried
Every street corner I pass, you're standing there and your eyes are screaming help me
Every store I go into your laugh is chasing me down the isles
You're sitting on my couch
You're drunk on my floor
You're snoring in my bed
You're standing nose to nose with me screaming wake up please wake up
Come wipe my tears and I'll return the favor
I hope to see you soon, angel
You'll **** me if I don't do it first
Jan 1, 2015
Jan 1, 2015 at 10:38 PM UTC
It's 3AM and I can't sleep because my legs are restless and I know where they want to run to
difficult to comprehend sometimes
that a boy who I laid in parking lots with and laughed at skies with is in a pile of dirt
is that what life really ****** comes to
we're born and its this fabulous miraculous mystery and we're the greatest beings to walk the planet and we can be taken so quickly and just vanish into ******* dust
I'm sick to my stomach thinking of you in your inevitable gold chain and Rolex always so clean and charming and how now you're filled with dirt and you're just a skeleton rotting in a suit
Where'd your big brown eyes go?
I guess I can look at tree trunks and think of you
Or the texture of the next noose I won't have the ***** to use
Dec 29, 2014
Dec 29, 2014 at 2:59 AM UTC
Merry Christmas, Chris
I'm not sad today
it's sunny and the skies are gorgeous and it stopped raining finally and everyone is happy and I know it's because you're looking down today. The sky's always beautiful when you're looking down.
I'm praying to God or whoever will listen that you're sitting there with your baby brother and your twin in front of a Christmas tree. I'm praying that they know you're with them and that even though things will never be the same that they'll be okay.
Merry Christmas Chris, I owe you. Thank you for instilling your happiness in me today. I'm thinking of you.
Dec 25, 2014
Dec 25, 2014 at 12:01 PM UTC
you were my bad influence
you got me drunk and sat me down in the grass when I got the spins and when I looked up you were staring at the stars yelling through a smile with clouds of breath coming out of your mouth
you were my risk taker
you brought me to an abandoned asylum and giggled as we ran through the halls, and cackled as we ran from the police
you were my music
we were on my brother's bed enveloped in smoke so thick I couldn't see you and all I could do was bob my head to the sound of your chuckle
you were my safety
every time my mom hurt me you were right there to let me know someone loved me and someone was there
you were my first heart break
you were my first hospital visit
you were my first funeral
you were my first burial
I still remember the way your whole face was put into your smile and your laugh
I still remember your skin lit up with stars and moonlight and your snore in my bottom bunk and the way your voice cracked when you said my name and the way your laughter echoed through every room and every person you encountered. thank you so much for allowing me to know someone as perfect as yourself. thank you for being so many of my firsts. I'm so sorry it was you.
Dec 11, 2014
Dec 11, 2014 at 10:54 PM UTC