pogirl - Hello Poetry

Dating with anxiety Is always over thinking. The messages never replied to lead to the thoughts swirling through your head. Every detail gets scrutinized. Every moment replayed over and over until you can't think. The little things that no one looks at become huge and the reason anything went wrong. You try to be normal and not let it show because if they really know they will run away. Being crazy isn't easy. The normal ones don't understand. They don't get what your brain demands. The need to be reassured and affirmed, to know that they haven't changed their minds. But how do you say it? How do you let them into your hell? How would somone stick around after they understand the interworkings of the cells that create the mass that is you. You spend the nights laying awake thinking. Wanting to just let it all spill out like a glass of milk knocked off the table but instead you walk on egg shells and pretend you're not internally freaking out. That you haven't spent all day looking at a message then closing the phone. Only to open it again and begin to reply ....but wait if you reply now you're clingy. But how do you gracefully walk the line between crazy and cute? The answer. You don't. You just silently go insane and internalise it all for the sake of saving face. To appear like the person they want. Because if you can be that then everything will be fine. But what happens when the glass pane shatters when the mirror image you projected crumbles? What happens when the monster you've been shutting down for weeks on end to seem normal starts to seep through the cracks? What then? Will he still be there? Will he be able to handle it? You go on a date and the conversation leads to "oh I have anxiety" he looks at you and just kinda shruggs. You glaze over the subject and move on. Like I had just said god bless you after a sneeze no second thoughts. No further questions. The cat is out of the bag but does he realize that by cat I mean lion? Huge, ferocious, dominant, lurking in the background ready to strike? No. Because I am a good pretender. I am good at making the facade up to par. What you don't see is the circus dancing around the erupting volcano inside. Every cell vibrating trying not to implode. They don't see the girl who can't breathe because she is so far down the black hole that swallows her whole lost in the inner workings of her mind. Screaming to be seen and accepted. Begging to be allowed out. Needing to show herself. But no. That's not allowed. Once it's out there it can't be put away. You cant just say haha just kidding. Because the damage is done. You've either found one who will take the shattered girl or everything you've thought would happen does and you're alone again.

0

pogirl

Jul 9, 2018

Jul 9, 2018 at 4:17 AM UTC

MagentaBlume

Dating with anxiety

Dating with anxiety Is always over thinking. The messages never replied to lead to the thoughts swirling through your head. Every detail gets scrutinized. Every moment replayed over and over until you can't think. The little things that no one looks at become huge and the reason anything went wrong. You try to be normal and not let it show because if they really know they will run away. Being crazy isn't easy. The normal ones don't understand. They don't get what your brain demands. The need to be reassured and affirmed, to know that they haven't changed their minds. But how do you say it? How do you let them into your hell? How would somone stick around after they understand the interworkings of the cells that create the mass that is you. You spend the nights laying awake thinking. Wanting to just let it all spill out like a glass of milk knocked off the table but instead you walk on egg shells and pretend you're not internally freaking out. That you haven't spent all day looking at a message then closing the phone. Only to open it again and begin to reply ....but wait if you reply now you're clingy. But how do you gracefully walk the line between crazy and cute? The answer. You don't. You just silently go insane and internalise it all for the sake of saving face. To appear like the person they want. Because if you can be that then everything will be fine. But what happens when the glass pane shatters when the mirror image you projected crumbles? What happens when the monster you've been shutting down for weeks on end to seem normal starts to seep through the cracks? What then? Will he still be there? Will he be able to handle it? You go on a date and the conversation leads to "oh I have anxiety" he looks at you and just kinda shruggs. You glaze over the subject and move on. Like I had just said god bless you after a sneeze no second thoughts. No further questions. The cat is out of the bag but does he realize that by cat I mean lion? Huge, ferocious, dominant, lurking in the background ready to strike? No. Because I am a good pretender. I am good at making the facade up to par. What you don't see is the circus dancing around the erupting volcano inside. Every cell vibrating trying not to implode. They don't see the girl who can't breathe because she is so far down the black hole that swallows her whole lost in the inner workings of her mind. Screaming to be seen and accepted. Begging to be allowed out. Needing to show herself. But no. That's not allowed. Once it's out there it can't be put away. You cant just say haha just kidding. Because the damage is done. You've either found one who will take the shattered girl or everything you've thought would happen does and you're alone again.

18

How could you be in love and do what you do, say what you do. Break glass Push through Push till you get inside Push till you’re out I’m not in love

0

Jul 8, 2018

Jul 8, 2018 at 12:33 PM UTC

pogirl

I’m not in love

How could you be in love and do what you do, say what you do. Break glass Push through Push till you get inside Push till you’re out I’m not in love

8

A love I never knew You’d sing to me when times were blue Light the spark Ignite the fire Watch it die Eat me alive so I’d never have to leave It’s not how I feel, chills rise as I see you smile Carelessly in love In love with careless

0

Jul 8, 2018

Jul 8, 2018 at 12:31 PM UTC

pogirl

Carelessly

A love I never knew You’d sing to me when times were blue Light the spark Ignite the fire Watch it die Eat me alive so I’d never have to leave It’s not how I feel, chills rise as I see you smile Carelessly in love In love with careless

10

Lying in the grass during a dark night Lit moon Half dressed Half torn Something's tugging you from down under The grass equally cut around you It feels like A blank stare

0

Jul 7, 2018

Jul 7, 2018 at 3:51 PM UTC

pogirl

Blank stare

Lying in the grass during a dark night Lit moon Half dressed Half torn Something's tugging you from down under The grass equally cut around you It feels like A blank stare

8

I dreamt of you again. You came home You saw me You didn’t care Our kiss was passionate I felt your strength I squeezed you tight Nothing’s quite right Gazing at your blank stare You didn’t want to be there Your mother rang the phone I touched your face Felt my fingers running through your hair You kept your space How real it was to see You sitting in your bed with no company You didn’t notice me You took your time Occupied

0

Jul 7, 2018

Jul 7, 2018 at 3:41 PM UTC

pogirl

Occupied

I dreamt of you again. You came home You saw me You didn’t care Our kiss was passionate I felt your strength I squeezed you tight Nothing’s quite right Gazing at your blank stare You didn’t want to be there Your mother rang the phone I touched your face Felt my fingers running through your hair You kept your space How real it was to see You sitting in your bed with no company You didn’t notice me You took your time Occupied

19

Be afraid Be very afraid If you fear Do it scared I'll crawl to you With my knees bent back I'll make my way Covered in grass Beneath the ground Spouting about I'll get to you Without a doubt

0

Jul 7, 2018

Jul 7, 2018 at 1:35 PM UTC

pogirl

If you fear, do it scared

Be afraid Be very afraid If you fear Do it scared I'll crawl to you With my knees bent back I'll make my way Covered in grass Beneath the ground Spouting about I'll get to you Without a doubt

12

I had a dream You were there You didn't care You came back home You didn't say you cared I saw you You took me home Everything's a blur This feeling Isn't grief I saw you there I wasn't prepared It hasn't been too long Your face seemed so real Will it disappear Faded memories Your voice so strong I hear your call I hear that song Will it fade With the days It's been too long

0

Jul 7, 2018

Jul 7, 2018 at 1:00 PM UTC

pogirl

Faded memories

I had a dream You were there You didn't care You came back home You didn't say you cared I saw you You took me home Everything's a blur This feeling Isn't grief I saw you there I wasn't prepared It hasn't been too long Your face seemed so real Will it disappear Faded memories Your voice so strong I hear your call I hear that song Will it fade With the days It's been too long

22

You told me you love me I told you I loved it I bled I was bleeding We were drunk Out of mind You told me you love me I love you too Held me close I didn’t believe it Drunken words Truthful meaning? Will he remember I’ll always remember I’ll never forgot

0

Jul 7, 2018

Jul 7, 2018 at 12:53 PM UTC

pogirl

I loved it

You told me you love me I told you I loved it I bled I was bleeding We were drunk Out of mind You told me you love me I love you too Held me close I didn’t believe it Drunken words Truthful meaning? Will he remember I’ll always remember I’ll never forgot

15

I feel the chills creep Wondering as I think You’re not here But you won’t go away I have so many things to say But can’t speak The flood beneath my feet

0

Jul 7, 2018

Jul 7, 2018 at 12:50 PM UTC

pogirl

The flood beneath my feet

I feel the chills creep Wondering as I think You’re not here But you won’t go away I have so many things to say But can’t speak The flood beneath my feet

7

So slowly, so quick It’s like falling in love Then they’re gone

0

Jul 7, 2018

Jul 7, 2018 at 12:41 PM UTC

pogirl

Watching the clouds move gives me anxiety

So slowly, so quick It’s like falling in love Then they’re gone

3