Recently, I've been feeling sad and alone.
I think it's mainly because I'm scared.
I'm scared that my past will come haunting me again.
I feel like I'm exaggerating but.. I'm not.
It felt like emotional abuse, mental abuse coming from someone you thought loved you, or.. At least they'd say they do, and then emotionally block you out, ignore you, blame you, make you feel like you're the problem, like everything is your fault..
And then you feel like you're going crazy.
I was mentally NOT okay..
I needed someone, but felt like I had no one
I have supportive friends, but it was still hard, or eventually, they'll get tired of you, too.
Eight months of feeling drained, tired, burnt out, feeling used, doing badly in school, my hair falling out, sleeping all day, my body constantly being in fight or flight mode, body aching, and going through changes, constant panic attacks.
I felt unheard, not loved. I was silenced, walking on eggshells, crying every day.
I lost myself to someone childish.
And well.. Because I love deeply, because I care and was hopeful. I'd say it's okay, he will change.
But now I'd never be able to get that old lover girl version of me back.
I've changed into someone who feels like they are too much and never enough.
I'm just scared to go back to all of that, to fall into that same emotional/mental state I used to be in. It was awful.
To feel like things I'd ask for was too much, that I was too much But I wasn't..
I was only asking for love, comfort, words of affirmation, to spend quality time together, to talk to one another, to have deep meaningful conversations, to connect on a deeper level of intimacy..But I mostly mean emotional connection to be able to understand each other to KNOW each other, but I guess that was too much right? Did it made you feel uncomfortable?
But you were okay with being intimate right? Touching my body, doing ****** things, even when I felt uncomfortable
But it wasn't okay to talk about our feelings right?, how we felt and the things that made us uncomfortable.
But it's okay, I'm just an idiot.
Sometimes I don't understand why I took you back when it was still hurting.
I still cry at night, I cry to your voice, I cry at the sight of you because it hurts, because I'm scared to be vulnerable with you again, I'm scared of getting used, I'm scared that you'll get drunk again and yell and speak to me harshly the way my drunken dad would to my mom.
It really hurts.
I just wanted to feel safe with someone who isn't scared of my emotions, someone who isn't scared to take care of me. I wanted to feel loved and feel known.
I wanted you to be the only person I needed in my life besides family.
But instead you made me feel so alone
I'm different now, I don't get as attached to you anymore, I don't ask for quality time anymore, I don't care if you'll be able to come see me or not. I don't care if you get mad at something I do.
I don't care if you ignore me, I don't care if you kiss me, hug me , give me flowers, because it's too late.
How do I know your being real? Genuine? honest? I don't..
Not After Everything.
Oct 1, 2025
Oct 1, 2025 at 1:19 AM UTC
I want the proper kind of love..
Proper kind of love can mean different things to different people
But I want the kind of love that's genuine
A love that's reassuring, peaceful, healthy..
A love full of unwavering support
A love where they kiss your hand and forehead unexpectedly
The one where they write you random love notes
The one where they take it slow
A love where they get you flowers, whether its from the store, handmade paper flowers or from the gardens.
A love where you both enjoy each others presence silently while looking at the stars
A love where they open doors for you wherever you go
The one where someone does something for you despite their likings
The one where they listen to every little detail about you
A love that's patient
A love that nurtures rather than controls
A love where you understand each other deeply
The one where we show up for each other
The one where we communicate with one another
A love that encourages you rather than stifles it
A love filled with warmth and trust
A love where we choose each other even on difficult days.
And when I encounter a love that feels like a gentle whisper,
like home, like peace,
I will know…
That, that's the kind of love I deserve.
Feb 19, 2025
Feb 19, 2025 at 1:05 AM UTC
The graze of him holding me makes me feel like I’m in a room filled with lovely jazz music
The scent of roses fills the air as he holds a single rose in one hand, his other hand warm and reassuring in mine.
Our gazes locked, creating a silent conversation of souls.
Our silent conversations speak volumes, a language only our hearts understand.
Through his every gesture, his love and care shines brighter than words ever could.
Silently loving me through the gentle kisses he gives me on my forehead.
His beautiful cheesy smile
His beautiful brown eyes lighting up when he sees me..
And just seeing him, feeling his presence gives me a sense of joy that lights up my whole sphere…
Sep 5, 2024
Sep 5, 2024 at 3:51 AM UTC
Birds chirping to the rhythm of the music
Trees swaying to the sounds of the melodies
People dancing cheerfully and befuddling, filling the room with laughter and memories
And silently Our body’s sway with one another..as we are dancing to the music
Slowly becoming two bodies in one with the tune.
I can feel his body filled with warmth and comfort as he leads me, dancing my worries away.
I can still feel us dancing together to this day.
Bailando como si fuéramos bien enamorados
I can feel us dancing in the midst of the clouds as the sun goes down.
I can still smell his perfume and see that big beautiful smile of his when we dance.
There's no chance, That i will end this dance.
As it slowly becomes a romance.
Love was just one dance away..
Sep 5, 2024
Sep 5, 2024 at 3:41 AM UTC
I’m running out of time
a sudden rush of uneasiness
Eyesight fading
My thoughts invading
Hands trembling
Throat closing up
Feels like i’m mumbling
My voice is fading
Gasping for air
I want to yell.
Eyes swollen up
From all the tears.
Now I'm drowning in all my fears.
Someone come help
But no one hears.
Sinking into my sorrows
No hand to borrow
That sharpness in my chest
After seeing the darkness
this feeling of weakness
Making me breathless
Until i finally take my very last breath
Wishing it was painless.
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 11:43 PM UTC
I noticed the small beautiful scar on his hand.
Admiring and wondering what had happened.
I want to know more.
Was it from your childhood?
Was it an accident?
I want to ask you.
I want to know what you’re feeling.
What’s on your mind?
You’re so hard to figure out.
A mystery
I can’t solve.
You look around a lot
Can never tell what your thinking.
You’re so different.
And complicated
It drives me crazy
I’m so impatient
But I wouldn’t mind wating.
You make me think so much.
Yet when I’m around you my thoughts vanish into dust.
Maybe it’s toxic.
maybe unhealthy.
But there’s just something about you.
a spark that you don’t even see.
My mind is always talking about you.
I wish you could hear.
Had a feeling about you from the beginning
There’s so much I want to say to you
But yet I can’t
It’s so beautiful being with you yet I have this feeling something is missing.
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 11:36 PM UTC
She's still blooming
She’s trying to understand
She needs to find out who she really is
and figure out what she truly wants.
She’s confused
And a mess.
She thinks too much
And People get tired of her because she can't make up her mind.
She makes dumb decisions
Making things more complicated
She doesn’t think things through
And she ends up feeling blue
She makes too many excuses
She doesn’t know what's the truth.
She stays quiet
Never says a thing
So Many people think she’s boring
But i promise you she’s amazing
Just wait till you see her bloom.
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 11:33 PM UTC
Everytime I drown into that bittersweet taste
I get this fuzzy feeling.
Like my minds been erased.
My tears roll down as i stare into the ceiling
Just thinking.
There are other ways to let it out instead of drinking
But if I don't I’ll feel like I’m sinking.
I’ve tried to stop but I just end up missing that feeling.
I don’t want to end up like my father.
So I decided it’s time to stop for a while.
Don’t want to be intoxicated and instead walk around with a smile.
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 11:29 PM UTC
I’m still a kid
I still act like one
I miss getting in trouble at school
I don't like being serious
I like to mess around and laugh.
But i feel like people see me as a boring person
And i know i'm not but here I feel like it.
I just feel like I don't belong here.
Maybe just maybe it's the mask that we wear.
Covering up who we really are.
They hide our faces and make us seem unapproachable
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 11:27 PM UTC
I can hear everything.
I can hear a baby crying, the clock ticking, my mother yelling, my dad tapping me on the shoulder, my sister asking me for help, my brother's controller clicking, and yet I hear my heart beating faster and faster. All the noises fade away while I stand there breathing trying to take in everything that's happening.
I feel like the world is going in circles, I feel like I’m spinning. Then I’m gone.
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 11:24 PM UTC