payton-elizabeth - Hello Poetry

I don't remember the day the day that I realized you were abusing me I kept ignoring the fact that mental abuse was just as detrimental as physical No, you weren't creating bruises, bleeding, or breaks But I promise you there was damage I second guess everyone now I overthink someone else love for me, because I think its pretend, just like yours Everything was my fault, even when it was very clearly yours But I begged for you to forgive me for being broken by your mistakes, because I hated when our home was being torn down I told myself that relationships take work That if I tried harder to make you happy, then you wouldn't hurt me anymore I think the thing that got me the most was how good of a liar you became How easy it was for you to look me right in the eye and tell me a complete lie, and have zero remorse and never feel the stabbing guilt I would've felt. How do you do that? How do you feel okay looking at me? And you know I know you're lying, but I want the lie to be true so badly that I'll ignore everything and pretend we're okay Because unlike you, I did love you I wanted to trust you and I wanted us to work, but I didn't have enough love in my heart for the both of us. I thought I did, but we both know that's not how it works You can't force someone to be in love with you like I wished you were

0

Jan 7, 2019

Jan 7, 2019 at 12:08 AM UTC

payton-elizabeth

In love vs love

I don't remember the day the day that I realized you were abusing me I kept ignoring the fact that mental abuse was just as detrimental as physical No, you weren't creating bruises, bleeding, or breaks But I promise you there was damage I second guess everyone now I overthink someone else love for me, because I think its pretend, just like yours Everything was my fault, even when it was very clearly yours But I begged for you to forgive me for being broken by your mistakes, because I hated when our home was being torn down I told myself that relationships take work That if I tried harder to make you happy, then you wouldn't hurt me anymore I think the thing that got me the most was how good of a liar you became How easy it was for you to look me right in the eye and tell me a complete lie, and have zero remorse and never feel the stabbing guilt I would've felt. How do you do that? How do you feel okay looking at me? And you know I know you're lying, but I want the lie to be true so badly that I'll ignore everything and pretend we're okay Because unlike you, I did love you I wanted to trust you and I wanted us to work, but I didn't have enough love in my heart for the both of us. I thought I did, but we both know that's not how it works You can't force someone to be in love with you like I wished you were

20

I called you as a cry for help You sat there and talked about your day as I sat in silence I called you and you didn't listen to me, or you I guess you did, you just didn't really hear me You could hear my heavy sighs, I know you could picture the tears running down my face But you didn't care You don't understand the suffocating feeling anxiety will give you "Why are you crying?" "Whats wrong?" "You're fine." I can hear you when you say these words to me I swear I can But they mean nothing to me ... they mean nothing to my anxiety My anxiety doesn't care that there is no reason to cry that there is actually nothing wrong or that I'm fine Anxiety will give you 1,000 reason to cry and 1,000 things that are wrong, and 1,000 reasons why you are not fine How depressing is it that in a world full of opportunities, I see every one of them as something to overthink I worry you'll leave me for this

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Jan 6, 2019

Jan 6, 2019 at 11:47 PM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Suffocating

I called you as a cry for help You sat there and talked about your day as I sat in silence I called you and you didn't listen to me, or you I guess you did, you just didn't really hear me You could hear my heavy sighs, I know you could picture the tears running down my face But you didn't care You don't understand the suffocating feeling anxiety will give you "Why are you crying?" "Whats wrong?" "You're fine." I can hear you when you say these words to me I swear I can But they mean nothing to me ... they mean nothing to my anxiety My anxiety doesn't care that there is no reason to cry that there is actually nothing wrong or that I'm fine Anxiety will give you 1,000 reason to cry and 1,000 things that are wrong, and 1,000 reasons why you are not fine How depressing is it that in a world full of opportunities, I see every one of them as something to overthink I worry you'll leave me for this

19

I felt the heart break from every human being all at once and then I felt my heart drop right to my stomach creating the worst ache you'd ever imagine An ache you never knew the devil ever created I was ashamed my love ended too quickly because it was overpowered by you, you coward I had been mentally beaten down, "It was your fault" Who crushed God when he created heartache When He made it possible to physically crumble due to another one of His creations. What sin did I commit for this? I felt the link between my reality and my happiness break I knew it must've hurt for too long when my cheeks were stained with black dried tears and my body felt numb all the way to my toes I was left with an empty hole, however, I was left with so much space to be filled with something that deserved my love I was left with so many opportunities for love, because that was not love no matter how many times I tried to sculpt it into love That was comfort, that was history, that was convenience. God leads us to magnificent things in disguise How dare I label a heartache His creation when it was a miracle all along waiting to happen.

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Jun 25, 2018

Jun 25, 2018 at 10:16 PM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Cheater

I felt the heart break from every human being all at once and then I felt my heart drop right to my stomach creating the worst ache you'd ever imagine An ache you never knew the devil ever created I was ashamed my love ended too quickly because it was overpowered by you, you coward I had been mentally beaten down, "It was your fault" Who crushed God when he created heartache When He made it possible to physically crumble due to another one of His creations. What sin did I commit for this? I felt the link between my reality and my happiness break I knew it must've hurt for too long when my cheeks were stained with black dried tears and my body felt numb all the way to my toes I was left with an empty hole, however, I was left with so much space to be filled with something that deserved my love I was left with so many opportunities for love, because that was not love no matter how many times I tried to sculpt it into love That was comfort, that was history, that was convenience. God leads us to magnificent things in disguise How dare I label a heartache His creation when it was a miracle all along waiting to happen.

16

You tell yourself you could've prevented it You say, "If I just wouldn't have gone out that night If I just wouldn't have taken that last shot If I just wouldn't have worn that black shirt that made my ***** look bigger If I just wouldn't have looked at him If I just wouldn't have danced that dance If I just wouldn't have followed him" Yet somehow, You were around other men who kept themselves away and respected your home One boy came and recked it But, You blame yourself for something a boy did How is it that everyone else was able to respect you, yet he wasn't Yet somehow, it was your fault?

0

Nov 15, 2017

Nov 15, 2017 at 6:05 PM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Not your guilt to carry

You tell yourself you could've prevented it You say, "If I just wouldn't have gone out that night If I just wouldn't have taken that last shot If I just wouldn't have worn that black shirt that made my ***** look bigger If I just wouldn't have looked at him If I just wouldn't have danced that dance If I just wouldn't have followed him" Yet somehow, You were around other men who kept themselves away and respected your home One boy came and recked it But, You blame yourself for something a boy did How is it that everyone else was able to respect you, yet he wasn't Yet somehow, it was your fault?

16

You never want your daughter to have to go through what you went through So you tell her, "do not party, do not drink, do not hang out with those people, especially him, do not sneak out of the house, do not get caught up in drugs..." You tell her that how mad at her you will be if she does these things and how disappointed you will be for her disobeying you Only because you are trying to protect her from what your mother could not Not because you don't understand her and why she would and all the temptations and fun that could've happened, but did not You scare her so much that when she does go to that party and drink too much, or when she gets caught up with that boy, not a man, and he uses her home as a hotel, or when she experiments and goes too far with a drug, with something to take away reality She will not come to you She is too ashamed of the disappointment and too afraid of the punishment That she will not come to you So her guilt and depression grows like a **** until she cannot house it anymore So what do you do and how do you protect her from what your mother could not

0

Nov 15, 2017

Nov 15, 2017 at 6:02 PM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Mother

You never want your daughter to have to go through what you went through So you tell her, "do not party, do not drink, do not hang out with those people, especially him, do not sneak out of the house, do not get caught up in drugs..." You tell her that how mad at her you will be if she does these things and how disappointed you will be for her disobeying you Only because you are trying to protect her from what your mother could not Not because you don't understand her and why she would and all the temptations and fun that could've happened, but did not You scare her so much that when she does go to that party and drink too much, or when she gets caught up with that boy, not a man, and he uses her home as a hotel, or when she experiments and goes too far with a drug, with something to take away reality She will not come to you She is too ashamed of the disappointment and too afraid of the punishment That she will not come to you So her guilt and depression grows like a **** until she cannot house it anymore So what do you do and how do you protect her from what your mother could not

11

How is it that the person your heart loves the most is the one who knows just how to tear it apart.

0

Nov 4, 2017

Nov 4, 2017 at 12:04 AM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Untitled

How is it that the person your heart loves the most is the one who knows just how to tear it apart.

1

You were good at it. Pretending to be the person I wanted you to be. Hiding your mistakes and flaws because you thought that could actually change you. You buried the true self and wore a mask to hide it from me. For a while I had no idea. But then one day, I pushed the mask off and there you were. Little did you know, I loved you more than I did before.

0

Nov 2, 2017

Nov 2, 2017 at 12:36 AM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Unmasked

You were good at it. Pretending to be the person I wanted you to be. Hiding your mistakes and flaws because you thought that could actually change you. You buried the true self and wore a mask to hide it from me. For a while I had no idea. But then one day, I pushed the mask off and there you were. Little did you know, I loved you more than I did before.

2

The idea that we need another person to make us whole is outrageous when we should be whole all on our own The reason behind a lover is not to fill our emptiness, but to add to our greatness

0

Nov 2, 2017

Nov 2, 2017 at 12:29 AM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Pair

The idea that we need another person to make us whole is outrageous when we should be whole all on our own The reason behind a lover is not to fill our emptiness, but to add to our greatness

3

You deserve to be in love with yourself To be obsessed with the way you hold your character to set your standards high and watch who you let in You deserve to be sad To be obsessed with the lonliness to feel the heart break of a thousand hearts and watch who you let understand you You deserve to be happy To be obsessed with your own smile to wake up hungry for more and watch who you let enjoy your laughter You deserve to be depressed To be obsessed with the darkness to cry yourself to sleep every night and watch who you let console you You deserve to be angry To be obsessed with the arguemnts to fight with your entire heart and watch who you let tame you

0

Nov 2, 2017

Nov 2, 2017 at 12:11 AM UTC

payton-elizabeth

Emotion overload

You deserve to be in love with yourself To be obsessed with the way you hold your character to set your standards high and watch who you let in You deserve to be sad To be obsessed with the lonliness to feel the heart break of a thousand hearts and watch who you let understand you You deserve to be happy To be obsessed with your own smile to wake up hungry for more and watch who you let enjoy your laughter You deserve to be depressed To be obsessed with the darkness to cry yourself to sleep every night and watch who you let console you You deserve to be angry To be obsessed with the arguemnts to fight with your entire heart and watch who you let tame you

20

The saddest thing about trust is someone can take it so easily That one night That one word That one action That one late night mistake That one second, and trust is completely broken Yet somehow it takes years to rebuild.

0

Nov 2, 2017

Nov 2, 2017 at 12:00 AM UTC

payton-elizabeth

The broken

The saddest thing about trust is someone can take it so easily That one night That one word That one action That one late night mistake That one second, and trust is completely broken Yet somehow it takes years to rebuild.

7