and if I could do it over again
the only thing I’d do is find you sooner
so I could love you longer
Jun 8, 2022
Jun 8, 2022 at 2:24 PM UTC
as time passes and I heal
I end up more and more angry
looking back at the things I once
tolerated
and the places I once called
home
Jun 5, 2022
Jun 5, 2022 at 4:23 AM UTC
and if the multiverse is real
then there is one where you are still here
there is one where I stayed a little longer
one where I said “I love you” one last time
one with a few more gas station slushees
one with another glazed eyed smile
Jun 5, 2022
Jun 5, 2022 at 2:09 AM UTC
I’m better although-
it comes and goes as everything else does
sometimes I still cry when I eat by myself-
especially when I’m sick
something I used to enjoy so much
I cry
not because I feel lonely but-
because it reminds me of February
I know it gets easier
but it doesn’t change the fact it is hard
sometimes I will film it
it makes the time go by faster
I watch them sometimes
watching the tears become just sad faces-
that turn to half smiles til there is nothing left
Jun 1, 2022
Jun 1, 2022 at 1:25 AM UTC
sand crusted eyes and auburn tint hair
honeyeaters chirping outside the window
“you’re not the same bloke you used to be”
I feel a drenched wetsuit graze my face
“you just going to stare at me? get up!”
she opens all the living room windows as I stretch out upon the couch
the hardwood floors are lukewarm
I can smell the saltwater from here
I almost forgot what the horizon looked like
“grab your board, I want to show you a spot”
she said as she rushed out the front door
I could hear the pajero start from the kitchen
I scampered down the stairs and tossed my board on the upper racks
as we drove, we traced all the familiar roads
filled with the sweetest memories
the music faded in and out with small static in between- it felt almost feverish
we rolled to a stop on a questionable trail
she could see the confusion in my eyes but I knew I could trust her
we began the hike of what felt like forever
upon surfacing from the trees
I saw what I only thought I’d see in my dreams
so captivating- I stopped and stared
the sand felt like cloth and the water was flat
“all the legends start here”
she began running to the water and I trailed close behind
and for a split second we were 10 years old again
racing each other to the shore
she always won anyways-
we paddled far beyond the outside
the sun began to break the horizon
we sat and watched as it reflected on the water
I brushed my hand upon the surface
It was like touching a painting
I felt weightless
I closed my eyes
I could feel the warmth upon my skin
“I guess you’re a benny now”
“I guess I am”
there was a bit of silence that past-
“are you alright?”
“yeah, it’s just good to be home…”
May 24, 2022
May 24, 2022 at 5:40 PM UTC
It is no longer a battle
I used to have to convince myself
people say follow your heart
my heart says
don’t respond
don’t look
don’t answer
I didn’t
I don’t
and I haven’t
for a very long time actually
and when it crossed my mind
I don’t have to convince myself
my body tells me no
it tells me in the empty stomach feeling
the ear ringing and small tremors
it reminds me of crying on the floor with my mom- she held me tight
I wanted to die, I begged to die that night
it hurt far worse the second time around
hurt enough for me to let go
my heart, mind, and body decided it was time
May 23, 2022
May 23, 2022 at 3:47 AM UTC
the easy choices are that.. easy
I like me when I am by myself
others do too whether they know it or not
It’s pretty often-
nearly everyday
I know that what I seek is from within
so I pull my search to a halt
I make the easy choices
“hey, we need to talk”
I like me when I am by myself
others do too
May 22, 2022
May 22, 2022 at 6:01 PM UTC
I have a garden in my mind
a forest in my heart
an ache in my chest
from love torn apart
orchids so pretty
bluebirds up above
only these orchids have thorns
and the birds do not resemble love
you said “push through”
so I grab those orchids
and hold them tight
reach up to those birds
despite their great height
I am gifted with ****** hands
and pricked fingers too
but this pain is familiar
it reminds me of you
I take back those flowers
dried up and bruised
from bluebirds who plucked
and hearts that they chewed
I placed them in a box
and I taped up the lid
I put them away
in a place well hid
with no more to feed from
the birds have now fled
I’ve patched up my holes
where lilies grown instead
May 22, 2022
May 22, 2022 at 12:02 AM UTC
“you’re seem more gentle now”
not longer out of fear
not in a cry for protection or to be a haven
but in the most observant way possible-
I have become softer than before
May 18, 2022
May 18, 2022 at 9:47 AM UTC
I realized I didn’t need to “loosen up”
I will greet you with a mouth full of barbed wire
until you learn to stop approaching me
with your hands
I am not a fantasy
and I am especially not yours
anger does not save
but boundaries do
May 15, 2022
May 15, 2022 at 3:54 AM UTC