notagaintylo - Hello Poetry

Day one: thumping music, laughter, you, your warm chest, your arms, heat, dancing. My head in a trashcan. Waking up on the bathroom floor. But, you. Your scent. This night won’t end. Day two: ***** in a glass, a putrid stench of memories and good times going rancid. Tears. Panic. Shut curtains. A whirlwind in my stomach. Endless. Today is endless. Day four: more tears. Still empty bottles on the floor. Still the lingering scent of “too much”, of “too far”. Yet, somehow, not enough. Never enough. Day six: normalcy. You. Your presence. Us, together, our mutual understanding - like two ants fighting a stallion. But we do it together. We create memories like cotton candy and feathers. Day seven: Saturday, hot dogs, movies, warm air, heat, driving with open windows. No dread. I remember what it’s like to lie on the floor with the thumping music in my ears and feel it hit me. The acidity. The liquid solution to cutting all ties with fear. Worry. Future. But soon, there will be a day eight. And the acidity will have burned a hole in my stomach.

0

May 2, 2020

May 2, 2020 at 8:58 PM UTC

Acid

Day one: thumping music, laughter, you, your warm chest, your arms, heat, dancing. My head in a trashcan. Waking up on the bathroom floor. But, you. Your scent. This night won’t end. Day two: ***** in a glass, a putrid stench of memories and good times going rancid. Tears. Panic. Shut curtains. A whirlwind in my stomach. Endless. Today is endless. Day four: more tears. Still empty bottles on the floor. Still the lingering scent of “too much”, of “too far”. Yet, somehow, not enough. Never enough. Day six: normalcy. You. Your presence. Us, together, our mutual understanding - like two ants fighting a stallion. But we do it together. We create memories like cotton candy and feathers. Day seven: Saturday, hot dogs, movies, warm air, heat, driving with open windows. No dread. I remember what it’s like to lie on the floor with the thumping music in my ears and feel it hit me. The acidity. The liquid solution to cutting all ties with fear. Worry. Future. But soon, there will be a day eight. And the acidity will have burned a hole in my stomach.

5

I feel so small Like a ladybug on the wing of an airplane I feel so unimportant No more significant than a grain of salt in the red sea And I understand why you don’t love me I wouldn’t love me either I wouldn’t love me if my life depended on it Sometimes it does And for your sake It’s better that it does It’s better that it will.

0

Apr 4, 2020

Apr 4, 2020 at 7:26 PM UTC

Ladybug

I feel so small Like a ladybug on the wing of an airplane I feel so unimportant No more significant than a grain of salt in the red sea And I understand why you don’t love me I wouldn’t love me either I wouldn’t love me if my life depended on it Sometimes it does And for your sake It’s better that it does It’s better that it will.

11

Does it even matter if I find someone else? It’s never going to be him Him and I are never going to be us So how could I ever trust That another ‘him’ Is going to fit me well enough To create An ‘us’ If even you and I Couldn’t make the cut

0

Mar 16, 2020

Mar 16, 2020 at 10:07 PM UTC

Us

Does it even matter if I find someone else? It’s never going to be him Him and I are never going to be us So how could I ever trust That another ‘him’ Is going to fit me well enough To create An ‘us’ If even you and I Couldn’t make the cut

10

I am not a good person I don’t want to be me So much that I wish I could crawl out of my skin I wish I could escape the metastatic self-pity The black goo that has etched itself stuck to my skull I’m not this person No, I’m not bad I only want the best for everyone Everyone for whom I do nothing Unless that everyone is me “I have to do it for myself”, I say As I dig my fingers inches deep in your pain Scooping out every bit that would derail it And feeding it to you like it’s cake No, I’m not bad I wish harm upon nobody Apart from that man who looked at you earlier And that girl that you hung out with, once That’s not a bad person, is it? No, I’ve never laid hand on anybody I’ve spent days wishing you’d never met someone Hours crying, because I hate myself for it Minutes telling myself I’m insane Seconds accepting it And I feel the tears bubble up when I talk to you Because this is excruciating to me It’s horrible and heartbreaking for me Oh, how painful and dark it is for me But What about you? A cluttered mind goes silent What about you? I don’t know I don’t know how you feel If you’re sad If you’re angry Because I never stopped and thought to ask It never crossed my sick mind that you could be sadder than I am And that’s what makes a bad person, isn’t it? Not thinking about how you’re feeling Not asking you if it’s hard for you, too I’ve never laid hand on anybody But I am not a good person. I am not a good person today.

0

Jan 16, 2020

Jan 16, 2020 at 8:28 PM UTC

I Am Not a Good Person

I am not a good person I don’t want to be me So much that I wish I could crawl out of my skin I wish I could escape the metastatic self-pity The black goo that has etched itself stuck to my skull I’m not this person No, I’m not bad I only want the best for everyone Everyone for whom I do nothing Unless that everyone is me “I have to do it for myself”, I say As I dig my fingers inches deep in your pain Scooping out every bit that would derail it And feeding it to you like it’s cake No, I’m not bad I wish harm upon nobody Apart from that man who looked at you earlier And that girl that you hung out with, once That’s not a bad person, is it? No, I’ve never laid hand on anybody I’ve spent days wishing you’d never met someone Hours crying, because I hate myself for it Minutes telling myself I’m insane Seconds accepting it And I feel the tears bubble up when I talk to you Because this is excruciating to me It’s horrible and heartbreaking for me Oh, how painful and dark it is for me But What about you? A cluttered mind goes silent What about you? I don’t know I don’t know how you feel If you’re sad If you’re angry Because I never stopped and thought to ask It never crossed my sick mind that you could be sadder than I am And that’s what makes a bad person, isn’t it? Not thinking about how you’re feeling Not asking you if it’s hard for you, too I’ve never laid hand on anybody But I am not a good person. I am not a good person today.

44

I need someone else to replace you Just so I know that I can Someone else to hold me, to touch me Or for you to become another man I need someone to love me, I’ll try to love him too All I need is to know that I can love someone Someone that isn’t you.

0

Nov 30, 2019

Nov 30, 2019 at 4:43 PM UTC

Someone That Isn’t You

I need someone else to replace you Just so I know that I can Someone else to hold me, to touch me Or for you to become another man I need someone to love me, I’ll try to love him too All I need is to know that I can love someone Someone that isn’t you.

7

Sometimes, it really feels like I’m going under Like the last part of me that was still whole The final, tiny particle that survived the emotional purge that was falling in love with you Would start to crackle, bit by bit And every small piece would echo through my body As they fell down to the pit of my stomach And set in stone that from that day on, that I would never be whole again And I thought, maybe one day, I would love again But it would never be the same I could still feel the pieces at the bottom of my stomach whenever I moved Hear them clink together and rustle every time I bent over to kiss him The New One The replacement The one that reminded me of you when he laughed Not because it sounded like you But because it made me miss your laugh endlessly more The one who could never be enough The one who would eventually be known as “He who proved I could only love you” Because that is all anyone would ever be Proof that those pieces would never dissolve Never stop making sound Never stop making themselves known when I stretch out and reach for a bottle of new love Another love Which I am not sure even is that Because if there is anything you taught me It is that it’s very hard to fall in love With a heart that lies crackled In the pit of your stomach.

0

Nov 25, 2019

Nov 25, 2019 at 8:31 PM UTC

Crackled

Sometimes, it really feels like I’m going under Like the last part of me that was still whole The final, tiny particle that survived the emotional purge that was falling in love with you Would start to crackle, bit by bit And every small piece would echo through my body As they fell down to the pit of my stomach And set in stone that from that day on, that I would never be whole again And I thought, maybe one day, I would love again But it would never be the same I could still feel the pieces at the bottom of my stomach whenever I moved Hear them clink together and rustle every time I bent over to kiss him The New One The replacement The one that reminded me of you when he laughed Not because it sounded like you But because it made me miss your laugh endlessly more The one who could never be enough The one who would eventually be known as “He who proved I could only love you” Because that is all anyone would ever be Proof that those pieces would never dissolve Never stop making sound Never stop making themselves known when I stretch out and reach for a bottle of new love Another love Which I am not sure even is that Because if there is anything you taught me It is that it’s very hard to fall in love With a heart that lies crackled In the pit of your stomach.

29

I wonder If someday I’ll be able to close my eyes again Without seeing you with him Without visualizing all the details I wonder If someday I can look at you, laughing Without feeling that sting in me The sting that means That I won’t grow old with that laugh That I can’t simply grab you And kiss you Because your little dimples are so cute Because your sharp corner teeth are weirdly attractive Because your heart speaks to mine Only mine doesn’t speak to yours And that makes my stomach feel like a fighting ring Because I don’t know if I can ever Not love you Not long after you Not feel like a stranded **** island When I close my eyes And see only you With him.

0

Nov 23, 2019

Nov 23, 2019 at 8:53 PM UTC

Not Today

I wonder If someday I’ll be able to close my eyes again Without seeing you with him Without visualizing all the details I wonder If someday I can look at you, laughing Without feeling that sting in me The sting that means That I won’t grow old with that laugh That I can’t simply grab you And kiss you Because your little dimples are so cute Because your sharp corner teeth are weirdly attractive Because your heart speaks to mine Only mine doesn’t speak to yours And that makes my stomach feel like a fighting ring Because I don’t know if I can ever Not love you Not long after you Not feel like a stranded **** island When I close my eyes And see only you With him.

25

I search for the last inch of your blanket that isn’t tarnished with my smell The last part of my shirt that has your scent The last moment, of us - together, that isn’t cluttered with my guilt The last of the last, the last of you without my prints And I beg to let me hold you, I beg to feel your skin I beg for your forgiveness, and all the nuances within I beg for you to want me there, I beg for you to stay But most of all, I beg for you to love me Before I start to fray.

0

Nov 1, 2019

Nov 1, 2019 at 7:28 PM UTC

Your Blanket

I search for the last inch of your blanket that isn’t tarnished with my smell The last part of my shirt that has your scent The last moment, of us - together, that isn’t cluttered with my guilt The last of the last, the last of you without my prints And I beg to let me hold you, I beg to feel your skin I beg for your forgiveness, and all the nuances within I beg for you to want me there, I beg for you to stay But most of all, I beg for you to love me Before I start to fray.

9

At night, I get scared The fairy lights on my walls turn dark Leaving only a gloomy haze behind Darkness, yes, that’s what it is At night, I get lost Nausea dripping down my cheeks The trembling of my face Fear in new ways And the total distortion of my vision Makes me wonder, makes me ponder Makes me wish I had a shell A shell to hold me down, don’t want to fall Don’t want to call Upon your name But arms over legs - I fall, after all Not to a bottom, not quite there Although not quite here Not sure where But it is night And now I’m scared.

0

Jul 13, 2019

Jul 13, 2019 at 6:04 PM UTC

Night

At night, I get scared The fairy lights on my walls turn dark Leaving only a gloomy haze behind Darkness, yes, that’s what it is At night, I get lost Nausea dripping down my cheeks The trembling of my face Fear in new ways And the total distortion of my vision Makes me wonder, makes me ponder Makes me wish I had a shell A shell to hold me down, don’t want to fall Don’t want to call Upon your name But arms over legs - I fall, after all Not to a bottom, not quite there Although not quite here Not sure where But it is night And now I’m scared.

20

Beautiful garden Don’t ever change Water your flowers And don’t rearrange Keep your distance From flowers and fury From roses and sadness Sunflowers and grief towers Don’t stop to smell them Lie down and dwell Lie down, cherry plum Lie down, cherry plum. Cherry plum sweet as whiskey Whiskey cold as fire That’s you, cherry plum sweetheart That’s you, cherry plum love.

0

Jun 23, 2019

Jun 23, 2019 at 8:24 AM UTC

Cherry Plum

Beautiful garden Don’t ever change Water your flowers And don’t rearrange Keep your distance From flowers and fury From roses and sadness Sunflowers and grief towers Don’t stop to smell them Lie down and dwell Lie down, cherry plum Lie down, cherry plum. Cherry plum sweet as whiskey Whiskey cold as fire That’s you, cherry plum sweetheart That’s you, cherry plum love.

16