everywhere i go there's a cop
not a real cop, but someone trying to convict me
incarcerated by their eyes
i'm stuck in their cell and they restrict me
everywhere i go there's a God
not a real God, but someone trying to judge me
i'm condemned by their eyes
i'm stuck in their hell and they begrudge me
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 11:14 AM UTC
It's hard to be a coward and suicidal,
Afraid of pain and overly-sensitive to guilt simultaneously.
Never wanted to jump from a building,
Because regretting your decision halfway down must be a nightmare.
Must only take a few seconds.
Must feel like longer than you've ever lived.
Didn't want to jump in front of a bus,
Because that seems wildly ineffective.
Didn't want to lie on train tracks;
I know those videos of dismembered people end up
On the darkest places of the Internet,
And I'm nothing if I'm not embarrassed by attention.
Didn't want to hang myself, had enough hospital trips
From asthma attacks rendering me breathless to want to relive it.
Tried to hang myself.
Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
Didn't want to overdose on pills
Because I have an aversion to swallowing them.
Realised the only reason you aren't supposed to chew them
Is so you don't overdose.
Tried to overdose.
Woke up confused and frightened with an apparently not-killer headache.
But that was back then, and this is now.
I don't look at things and see invitations of death anymore.
There's no temptation to analyse them
And see if they're up for the job.
I'm less on the aggressive side of the spectrum,
Swaying, instead, a lot more to being passive.
I don't want to dive in front of traffic,
But I don't always look before I cross the road either.
And I could still end up in the same coffin as if I'd jumped,
But for me, there's a lifetime of difference.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 11:03 AM UTC
She doesn't have to be your mother
For you to not call her a ***** for not doing what you want.
She doesn't have to be your sister
For you to not call her a ***** for having *** even once.
She doesn't have to be your daughter
For you to expect boys to respect her as a person.
"What if she was your mother/daughter/sister?"
Shouldn't be a valid question.
It shouldn't be a question that makes you stop and think,
"That's true, I need to treat women like I'd treat my female family members."
As though it's given you the epiphany
That even women you don't know are entitled to decency.
And if that question is what made you change your ways,
Get rid of the notion that women can only be treated to
The same amount of basic respect as men
If you can imagine your mother's/sister's/daughter's face staring back.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 11:02 AM UTC
oh, believe me, i want friends.
i want love.
i want to live, but there's something inside me.
there's something in there.
it ruins all hopes,
of me letting them in.
of course i love certain people: i love my brothers, my mother, my father.
i'd go to the ends of the earth for them,
take a bullet,
take a smack to the face.
it is others i cannot get close to.
i cannot bring my walls down.
i cannot let them be my friend for:
my mind senses all flaws,
my eyes observe the little things,
and my chest feels tighter,
i need to
run,
run,
away.
so i am sorry if i do this to you.
i am sorry if one day i am nice and happy and your friend,
but the next i am distant and cold.
i do not mean to.
i cannot help it.
i am trying, but it is hard.
i want you to get close,
and i wish i could let you.
i just cannot.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 11:00 AM UTC
i love him, i love him not.
i want him, but how much?
i find someone i adore.
i manage to make them believe i am attached,
and then i
let go.
i become distant; detached.
Sep 29, 2016
Sep 29, 2016 at 10:53 AM UTC
maybe i don't know you at all, but **** every part of me wants to. i want to know all the itty bits of you, the things that piece you together. i want to know your favourite colour, your worst nightmares, your wildest dreams. i want to know what keeps you up at night, what song you'll leap for at the sight of a karaoke machine, and about the time you broke your arm at just thirteen. i want to know you on your good days, your bad days, and everything in between. and i know it can be hard, i know it's hard to trust people, but i am willing to wait. i'm willing to wait for you to let me in, because you, my darling, are worth it. you're worth the heartache, and the times i have to push back when you try to distance yourself from me, and you're worth the nights you call me and wake me up because you need someone to just ramble to. your worth is undeniably large, and that says a lot, because i wouldn't do this for simply anyone. you're special. in my mind, you are. you're an extraordinary human being full of talent and wonder and yes, flaws, but you are perfect in my vision, you; you're you. and that is everything to me.
Aug 19, 2016
Aug 19, 2016 at 3:54 PM UTC
you don't miss him, no. you miss the feeling; the feeling of just being loved. feelings fade, though, and believe me. it won't hurt so much some day. one day. maybe it'll sting every time you see him with someone new, but you'll be okay. you'll get through the day. you, too, will find somebody new, and they will fulfill that want. that need for love.
to just be loved.
Aug 12, 2016
Aug 12, 2016 at 4:25 PM UTC
leaves are always falling down from the trees, straying from the branches, but i never thought that you would leave me. i may have thought plenty of others would, but you- you caught me by surprise. i didn't expect your departure. i didn't expect you to just walk out the door, without a word. it was like you wanted to, like you always did, deep down inside, and i had just given you the means to escape. escape from what? my love? my care? maybe it was too much for you. maybe i was in, and you were out there, far, far out there, and it was all simply an illusion that you wanted me. that you wanted this. i suppose in that way, i'm just a sapling. i believed you were going to stay with me forever, through even the coldest of the seasons. all the eldest of trees told me you wouldn't, but i believed, for once more in my life. and i was let down, yet again.
i guess i'll have to get used to this continuous torment, until i find the ones that do stay.
i just hope it's soon. i've never hoped so much for anything.
i just want somebody to stay.
Aug 12, 2016
Aug 12, 2016 at 3:20 PM UTC
and there are a million things i wish i could hear you say,
but i won't, because you don't feel the same way anymore.
that's okay.
Aug 12, 2016
Aug 12, 2016 at 3:19 PM UTC
i'll never stop wanting to look out for you. not even if we don't talk anymore, not even if we aren't friends anymore, not even if you hate me, not even if you had insulted me or betrayed me in the worst way possible. you could **** me, and i would still think; only the best for you. say what you will, but my care is forever. if my heart gets attached to you, it will remain there, because if i let you in. if i shared my thoughts and my feelings. you must have been one special human, and i will always have your back, i will always be there for you, i will always want your happiness, i will always want to know you are okay, and safe. i will always just care, a whole awful lot. and i could deny it, but there's never been any point in that. so just know; i care.
Aug 12, 2016
Aug 12, 2016 at 3:18 PM UTC