I enjoy distance
Long drives with no destination
Music blaring, miles growing
I enjoy distance
Long walks to nowhere
The peace calms my restless soul
I enjoy distance
Little steps each day
Away from difficult situations
I enjoy distance
Between people and places
And me
I enjoy distance
It gives perspective
Emancipation
I enjoy distance
I also enjoy coming home
When distance has run its course
Aug 3, 2015
Aug 3, 2015 at 2:05 PM UTC
This clock has aged a bit and changed a bit. But the pieces still tick, tock. With a few tweaks and small pinch, we are able to reminisce.
The clock chimes and I am young again. My earliest memories play like film. The lullabies, the kisses, the smiles. My mother holding me, I can almost feel it. I remember how the world was so large. Public playgrounds were jungles and I, so brave, would venture into the darkest corners. My father keeps my palm in his hand, I can see it. He didn't want to lose me. He didn't want to lose me. And yet...
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and I am taller, wiser. The girls at school laugh and taunt me. I didn't mind. They just didn't understand and that was fine. My father gave me presents on Christmas, clothes to try to change me. But, his eyes crinkled when he smiled. So, I tried, I tried but the shirts were constricting and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My mother walks downstairs after he is gone and slowly cuts the shirt away. She kisses my cheek and I never changed.
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and my mother is slipping away. She's running out of ways to lie but she still tries. I was sixteen to her but to me I was forty-nine. I shine light on her face and see it is dark and empty. She tries on a smile but it no longer fits. I watch her stare blankly at Rapunzel on the screen, she's reciting every line. My father calls and I am not supposed to tell, not supposed to speak. I am terrified. She knows, but did he? My father and I argue and can no longer fit our smiles. I slam the door and he drives away.
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and he tells me I'm poison. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. Soulless eyes, that child has soulless eyes. He calls his home Texas while I try to rebuild mine.
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and she is gone. I sit in a empty home. I was sixteen, still only sixteen. She knew, but did he?
The clock chimes and I am alone.
The clock chimes and I need to be an adult tonight. I must abide.
This clock has aged a bit and changed a bit. But the pieces still tick, tock. I accept my past, I call it mine. I still feel so young inside. Every memory makes me stronger and a little more alive.
Dec 8, 2014
Dec 8, 2014 at 5:08 PM UTC
Tattoos that stain and burn my skin
With words and images
Of who I could've been
Should've been
Would've been
If I hadn't met you
Dreams of those happy summer days
With wind to make me fly
To get lost in space
Stuck in a daze
And then I see your face
I was coaxed by the lies of love
And smashed down by my own hand
I gave you all the keys to my secrets
And watched you set them all ablaze
My heart can no longer trust
Song lyrics that taunt and chain me
To all the wonderful times
I could've had
I should've had
I would've had
If I hadn't met you
Dec 4, 2014
Dec 4, 2014 at 9:42 PM UTC
Twelve-Thirty a.m.
But I'm waking up at six and I'm having trouble sleeping because I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe. My heart's constricted, my lungs are filled with liquid and I don't care. I guess that I don't care.
I don't know what I'm living for, so I don't bother living and I keep feeling alone but I am surrounded, I'm always by someone.
They are not the one I want.
I love my family and I love my friends and I don't feel loved.
But I know that I'm loved.
But they don't love me.
Because they can't hold me, they can't kiss me like I need them to.
But he's too busy standing on the edge of the world waiting. He can't see me when I need him, he won't hear me when I'm screaming I need love.
Twelve-Thirty-Three a.m.
But I'm thinking of playing hooky and I'll stay in bed a while because I can't breathe.
And in my dreams he's holding me. He is seeing me.
That's all I really need.
Nov 25, 2014
Nov 25, 2014 at 9:40 PM UTC
Tiny heartbeats beneath me
I could've sworn I felt you breathing
And yet...
I couldn't wait to meet you
To see your big eyes, colored blue
And yet...
I never got the chance
I'm sorry I couldn't fight
But I would've given my last breath
I would've died
For you
Started with a pink plus sign
I knew you were mine
And yet...
I imagined you growing up
I was ready to give you love
And yet...
I never got the chance
I'm sorry I couldn't fight
But I would've given my last breath
I would've died
For you
It was three in the morning,
I'm in a hospital bed
With blood on my legs, I was a mess
Your daddy had tears in his eyes
And I could already tell
Because I felt empty inside, I was empty inside
What wouldn't I give?
There's nothing I wouldn't give
I wish I was dead
And yet...
Nov 24, 2014
Nov 24, 2014 at 5:20 PM UTC
Hold me to the promises I make
And tally up all my sins
Steady the gun right between my eyes
Don't let me look away
So sick of running
Can't be me, can't feel me
I'm standing on the edge
And this time I'm not afraid
Corner me with black walls
But don't let me disappear
I need to know that I'm grounded
It's time for me to give in
Tell me how I broke your heart
Let me know that it hurts
Even though I know the truth
Is the last thing I deserve
****** the knife in further
Pull it out, see me bleed
Let me struggle to catch my breath
And I'll fight until the end
End this final showdown
So that we may be released
Pull the trigger, point blank
And my sins you shall repent
Apr 2, 2014
Apr 2, 2014 at 12:49 PM UTC
You let me in, you let me in
But I didn't welcome you
You told me things, you told me things
But I couldn't tell the truth
Seven years we smiled together
And hung the pictures on the wall
For others that point and ask you
About the black girl you try to call
"Best friend, Best friend
Isn't she great? Isn't she sweet?
I've known her for a while
At least that's what I think"
What will you say, what will you do?
When you have to think and conclude
You don't know me, you never have
Because I didn't want you to
I don't trust, I don't trust
Even to this very day
You walked away, you walked away
Because I'm such a cliche
I've been this way since I was young
Too many people gone, leaving me
So I took time to build my castle
And built a room in which to sleep
People try to seep through
Little cracks and small spaces
I'm just waiting for the one
Who knocks and stays patient
And he'll let me in, he'll let me in
And I'll welcome him in too
He'll tell me things, he'll tell me things
That will make me want to tell the truth
Jan 6, 2014
Jan 6, 2014 at 12:53 AM UTC
Your pain hits me like an avalanche
I feel it in the center of my soul
My tears drop like a waterfall
Knowing that even if I gave it all
You wouldn't stop hurting
It kills me to know my love
Will never save you
I'm sorry, I wish you could see me
Living for you
Your pain surges through my blood
I feel it slowly running cold
My screams echo off the walls
That are shutting me in
With no way of release
It kills me to know, my love,
No matter how I try
You'll always hurt
I'm sorry, I wish I was strong
Enough to save you
Can you tell me or give me a clue
On what I should do?
Leave little crumbs, drop hints
Anything to help me save you
I won't be able to breathe
If you're stuck in the dark
You know you drag me with
The pain is there, still sharp
And it washes over me like a storm
I feel it drowning my heart
My hands reaching up to you
Not knowing what else to do
I can't live without you
It kills me to know my love
Will never save you
I'm sorry, I wish you could notice
All that I do for you
Dec 30, 2013
Dec 30, 2013 at 7:28 PM UTC
I like to fill my heart with things
Like all the things people tell me
My heart absorbs it all like
I need it to survive
It's all the things you say
And the way that you breathe
That tells me how to live
But won't give me what I need
You know that I want to be you
So I watch everything you do
And I'll copy you and mock you
Just watch how much I'll lose
I don't know who I am
Or where I can find myself
So, I've simply decided
I'll be someone else
Maybe I'm too afraid that they won't like me
Maybe it's because of my self-esteem
But I really think it's like the color green
Quite clear that it's jealousy
What would I do if I were free?
Would I reveal myself yet?
Could I be me?
What would I do if I were free?
Would you be afraid?
Would you let me be?
But no, I don't dare try
It's safer inside here
Because there they can touch me
And make it all clear
I like to fill my head with things
Like all the things I see
My mind absorbs it all like
I'm about to die
I know now that I cannot be free
Because it's just too hard to be me
Dec 28, 2013
Dec 28, 2013 at 1:17 PM UTC
I am home?
No, I am somewhere
Somewhere dark and cold
But I don't know
If they know
That I don't belong
I am home?
No, I am no where
No where I want to be
But I can't tell
If they can tell
That I'm dying inside
I am home?
No, I am not there
There amongst my family
But I can't see
If they can see
Where I really hid my body
Is this my home?
There, buried in the ashes
Of where I used to live
If you listen you can still hear our hearts
Mother and child
Died together in agony
Is this my home?
My ghost wanders the remains
And I can remember again
Lavender rooms and beige floors
Large windows to see the world through
Three stories high so we could
Nearly touch the stars
I am home?
Yes, here within the rubble
Of an old white house
And now I know
That they now know
With death is where I belong
Dec 28, 2013
Dec 28, 2013 at 4:42 AM UTC