maybe it's the fact i've been living in garbage, surrounded by rotting food and ***** laundry, because i can't find the energy to get out of bed, because i've been to depressed to anything but eat and feel sorry for myself and stew in not only my own sweat and dirt but my suicidal thoughts.
maybe it's the yellowing teeth because of the countless cigarettes i smoked to get the approval i craved of my boyfriend--sorry, EX boyfriend--who dumped me for seeking acceptance from his friends because it reeked of narcissism, because i was acting out of low self esteem and desire for validation.
maybe from the early signs of gum disease because of the substance abuse i was groomed to believe was the new vogue, or because blacking out every night is what freshman do and not a concerning coping mechanism i was using to hide a bigger issue.
maybe it's a result of the judgmental looks and comments on my worth from men and women alike because of my self medication in the form of intimacy and ****** attention--the ease at which i could be led to bed: through a lazy, slurred compliment and promises of a ride home in the morning (and not to mention means of keeping my mind off of my trauma.) or how after spending my last $10 at the bar i would consistently rely on my ability to give a peep show of the same body that was violated a year ago for a free shot of tequila that burned all the way down and a grimy slice of lime.
or maybe it's because despite it being over 365...366...367...too many ******* days since his filthy hands and body introduced itself to mine uninvited, despite not 1 but 2 police reports, despite 5...6...7...endless calls with victims advocates, despite 1...2...who knows how many failed semesters, despite 1 too many failed suicide attempts....
i was still *****
Dec 11, 2017
Dec 11, 2017 at 6:19 AM UTC
spring cleaning: to some, it may be about
donating the shirt you haven’t worn since
7th grade and since 9th has been worn out
or rinsing the floors of any footprints.
Or scrubbing the tile of any grout
or dusting every single picture frame--
that’s not my spring cleaning. mine is about
changing who i am despite my same name.
it’s about changing the way i’ve been since
7th grade, it is about showering
and scrubbing off all the shame i can rinse
off of me like filth. it’s me worrying
that i will never again find healing
again and again. that’s my spring cleaning.
Apr 29, 2016
Apr 29, 2016 at 7:01 PM UTC
your name is so beautiful
it's written on my walls
and on my wrist
and my thighs
and it's always on the tip of my tongue
written in my fogged up mirror after a shower
doodled on my notebook
under favorite contacts in my phone
title of my poems--even the really dumb ones
password to all my logins
etched into my brain
and engraved into my soul
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 4:05 PM UTC
dip my pen tip into my subconscious
using my imagination like ink
i write chicken scratch on my paper--
stupid, meaningless little words;
simply an insufficient medium for these thoughts i have
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 3:57 PM UTC
petals and leave in autumn
snowflakes in the wintertime
rain in the spring season
in summer, rays of sunshine.
me for you.
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 3:52 PM UTC
i'm usually good with words
and putting together sentences
in an attempt
to create a sensation similar
to looking up at the stars
just to see them looking back at you.
i'm often good with words
and writing paragraphs
and stories
of happier days
and lives that are better than the one that i'm living.
i'm typically good with words
i could string together plenty of sentences
about why we'd be good together
but it's to the point
where no words can describe
the high i get from being around you.
you've taken my vocabulary and shuffled my letters
and stole all the xs and os
and replaced them with my longing to steal all your xs.
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 3:51 PM UTC
whispers of sweet nothings in her ear
kind words with air being blown
breath, moist and warm
lingers on her collarbone
soft tongue caress
the warm flesh of her clavicle
and cool fingers undress
removing the last article
of clothing
mouth meets salty sweat, and
lips trace her silhouette
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 3:48 PM UTC
the day your lips greeted mine
the time my fist grazed your chest
the instances where my tears rolled off my cheeks
the lies rolled off my tongue
the infidelity
the abuse
the dependency
Feb 24, 2016
Feb 24, 2016 at 8:11 AM UTC
you extra fry in the bottom of the bag you sleeping in on a tuesday morning you good hair day you all night drinking with no hangover you warm towel straight from the dryer you new friend in the back of a new york taxi cab you misinterpreted abstract art you lost concert ticket you frost bitten fingertip you half dranken water bottle you misspelled word you unwanted bouquet on valentines day you deadline yesterday you uncashed check you college rejection you cannibalistic praying mantis you paper cut from an envelope you coup de tat you cat got your tongue you swallowed words you split lip you straggly strand of split ends you broken vase you five missed calls you broken necklace clasp you half hearted apology
Feb 19, 2016
Feb 19, 2016 at 9:21 AM UTC