i used to write
i'm not sure what made me stop
i suppose maybe it was the small glimmer of hope that began to appear.
the happy smile that i actually felt and not faked for once.
i wasn't sad for a moment
i wasn't anxious
i was simply caught in time
but you could say i'm back
because when it comes to notes, it's real
when it comes to looking back on my thoughts it's real
when it comes to eating less and less it's real
when it comes to crying more it's real
when it comes to questioning my sanity it's real
when it comes to wanting to disappear again ... it's real
hello depression, here i am
ready to be consumed again
ready to get lost in the dark hole that's so incredibly hard to climb out of
i guess i just couldn't stay away
maybe i was meant to be sad
after all, it got me to write again ay?
Dec 9, 2016
Dec 9, 2016 at 1:55 AM UTC
I feel like I'm suffocating in a room full of people but no one can see that I'm dying
and no one knows how to save me and I can't tell them because I've lost the ability to breathe
so I'm left gasping for air that I just can't seem to find
and I'm left struggling to get help that only I can offer
Aug 26, 2015
Aug 26, 2015 at 12:06 AM UTC
I've become accustomed to it
"Oh the pain, THE AGONY"
I repeat to myself trying to make things seem,
well, better. But I'm only making it worse
Wasting time saying phrases in hope that stress will magically leave my body forever
Belittling my feelings, thoughts, and emotions
Why do I continue?
Continue to continue
Repeatedly putting myself in worrisome situations, knowing the outcome, but constantly trying to avoid the reality of it all
You would think that if I were driving on a road, noticing a hazard, I would swerve. But not me
What do I do?
Constantly continue to put myself in situations I know will be hard
And yet, I have become accustomed to this feeling of stress, tension , and an overwhelming conscience
But somehow, whenever it strikes, it feels as though it's the first time I've been affected.
Aug 26, 2015
Aug 26, 2015 at 12:01 AM UTC
currently
I feel as though I should just lay all my feelings out on the table. maybe talking, well actually writing, will help serve as a release or rather a filler. some days I feel empty and other days I fill full. so many emotions to the point of feeling numb. it's like nothing's necessarily wrong but they're obviously not right either. I don't know why I'm still having a hard time. it's like I'm always on and off and on and off again. one day I'm okay the next day im practically miserable and it's all a vicious cycle that I can't get rid of. I'm a walking contradiction and I hate feeling bad but then again, I'm afraid not to. because whenever something good comes along it doesn't stay. I don't know what's wrong with me but suddenly I feel like the most horrible human being alive. I feel pathetic and worthless and full of tears that just don't have enough energy to flow. I'm not motivated. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm moving but I'm not going anywhere and suddenly i don't know what's happening. this is how it always starts. but this time I thought that i would be stronger and I wouldn't let depression and anxiety haunt me anymore but every time seems like the first but I'm just all so used to it but I can't change it. I just feel so low and alone because I am low and alone and there's no one here for me, like genuinely here for me in the way I need them to be. and I'm continuously hoping for better to come but I know once better comes it won't last. I'm just tired of feeling miserable and then feeling selfish for feeling miserable and frankly, I'm not getting enough attention and some attention would be nice right now but my mind is the only one keeping me company lately. I just freak out over the little things and I lose track of why I even got upset in the first place and I end being a complete mess. I'm turning into a complete mess and I really don't want to.
Aug 9, 2015
Aug 9, 2015 at 12:56 AM UTC
it's like trying to think the glass is half full and who will be there when you fall again how the windows are locked and the floor has been burnt and how soon until this is my past and how long
Jul 29, 2015
Jul 29, 2015 at 10:32 PM UTC
I adore you.
for your thoughts and the ideals that are effortlessly created in your head.
the way it is so easy for you to speak of reality in public but when you're all alone you're not so sure you even agree with your views.
I adore you for the way you try to keep yourself together for the sake of others concern.
you never wanted to be a burden
you never wanted to be pitied
you never wanted to show weakness
and I adore you for being so strong you fail to realize your own potential.
you're a self-inflicting walking contradiction but to every one else you're seen as the one that has it all figured out.
and for that, I adore your hope and your will to pick yourself up after the countless times life has knocked you down.
you are one to be adored,
my love.
May 20, 2015
May 20, 2015 at 12:18 AM UTC
I've been at this whole depression and anxiety thing for far too long and it's like how many times do I have to keep pulling myself back up when life knocks me down
May 20, 2015
May 20, 2015 at 12:02 AM UTC
I find it hard to write about one single thing when there are so many thoughts in your head.
I find it hard to sleep when all you can think about is your future and what you'll do for the rest of your life.
I find it hard to do homework when all you can hear are the screams coming from your parents bedroom door.
I find it hard to let things go when you've never gotten an apology.
I find it hard to think when anxiety is the only thing keeping you company.
I find it hard to be happy when everything around you is just so sad.
May 17, 2015
May 17, 2015 at 1:56 AM UTC
stand-alone in the cold
with spotlight providing you with an open door to a vacant, dark dungeon.
take the chance
take the risk
be honest
say what you have to say
but you must stand-alone in the cold
and use your own two feet to walk forward.
in-the-moment rapid decisions
and in-the-moment thoughts that pass too fast to differentiate between right and wrong or taboo and a pat on the back.
so you must subconsciously decide between what you truly want to do or what you know is morally right.
take the first option and find yourself with several misfortunate events after another.
but at least you were honest right?
take the second option and find yourself in another uncomfortable situation followed by a loss of feelings and logic with an unreachable resolution.
burden to add to the pile or burden to add to the pile.
there is no win-win.
there is no win-lose.
there is only lose-lose and so therefore you must ask yourself which one provides you with less lost in the -.05 seconds you have to ponder on it.
May 11, 2015
May 11, 2015 at 9:49 AM UTC
happy birthday
anticipated this feeling for as long as I could remember
the rule breaking rebel infested mystical theory of the coming of age, age.
and surprisingly I am affected
I am content
I am satisfied
I am not as disappointed or rather unbothered by the hyped societal numbers that defined your teenage years
and now I wonder if this makes me just like everyone else based on my feelings or based on my new found character limit
I can, however, admit that it feels good
it feels fulfilling to know that through everything you've made it this far no matter how many times you woke up wishing you hadn't
it's a reassuring simple gesture that maybe life is hope or hope is life or that maybe there is something I haven't experienced quite to the fullest extent as to keep me alive for every 12 months after the next.
no, I am not happy
no, I am not overjoyed
but I can honestly say that I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.
Apr 15, 2015
Apr 15, 2015 at 11:01 PM UTC