very few understand why it’s hard for me to have fun
and next to none
will ever
relate.
your mother told me she’d never heard me giggle the way that i did today -
is it getting better?
or am I forever changed?
it doesn’t devour my brain
anymore
but somehow I still feel chained.
for if I laugh too hard
maybe life will slip
away
again.
Feb 5, 2023
Feb 5, 2023 at 3:41 AM UTC
It’s hard to focus.
to find my locust.
Turn off auto pilot
find a new drive
that’s mine.
Try new things.
Test new limits.
Relive my teenage freedom,
fall back into bad habits.
and out.
I’ve learned how.
I know my demons well.
Leave the door open,
so they can come and go
as they please.
Thank them when they come,
send them a plate home
when they leave.
Feb 3, 2020
Feb 3, 2020 at 2:56 AM UTC
the worst part of being an overanalyzing introvert is unintentionally ruining
every relationship
i have ever had.
i need to be alone to motivate myself.
being alone is how i create energy to take on another full day.
there's a lot of time in a day.
time i will never get back.
so i try my hardest thinking about how to make the best out of it,
which is kind of ironic,
because i'm laying in bed writing this.
wasting precious time.
when it comes to romantics,
there is always a huge price i must pay.
i will spend so much time debating
if you're worth my energy.
i will fight with myself over all of your pros
and your cons.
i'm not trying to push you away,
i'm trying to predetermine our relationship.
it's nothing against you.
i want to love you.
i really do.
but it takes me so much time to motivate myself,
i can't even fathom how i could double this minimal energy to propel someone else.
and the time i have spent trying to write this,
is time i'm wasting while you're sitting wondering what you are doing wrong.
and when i look up from this "poem."
you will already be gone.
and all i will have left.
is this.
some half-assed writing that will one day be dust.
just like you and i.
before i was even done writing it.
Nov 12, 2013
Nov 12, 2013 at 4:28 PM UTC
i'm not scared of the dark
or being alone
or crowds
or monsters
or strangers
i'm not in fear of things
but i worry
i worry over everything
it stresses me to my core
devours my mind
makes me sleepy
if only i could sleep
i worry about the stupid things i said
i worry about the work expected of myself
i worry about my future
i worry about the judgements others make of me
i worry about the way i stepped left today
as i rip myself to pieces
just because i should have stepped right
i cry over my own thoughts
the worries i create drown me
literally
i worry about a mole on my skin,
what if it's melanoma?
i worry about how much i worry,
what if it's anxiety?
well i think it is
but i don't want to say it
what if people think i'm crazy?
i would rather be stressed
Oct 1, 2013
Oct 1, 2013 at 5:50 PM UTC