monica-figueroa - Hello Poetry

I cannot bear To feel The enormity of possibility before me. I'm paralyzed by choices.

0

Jan 24, 2016

Jan 24, 2016 at 3:16 AM UTC

monica-figueroa

Untitled

I cannot bear To feel The enormity of possibility before me. I'm paralyzed by choices.

4

There he left me Discarded Without a word Like a broken glass on the sidewalk Pieces every which way. Jagged little fragments With no intention Or possibility Of putting itself back together. I'm losing faith.

0

Dec 15, 2015

Dec 15, 2015 at 6:17 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Litter

There he left me Discarded Without a word Like a broken glass on the sidewalk Pieces every which way. Jagged little fragments With no intention Or possibility Of putting itself back together. I'm losing faith.

10

I couldn’t help myself. Digging my nails into myself wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to bite my lip because in a few days, I’d be swapping spit with a stranger and I would have No idea where he’d have been. I squeezed down on my fingers, And for a second I thought I might snap one. In my head, I was falling. Even though he walked over Placed his hand on my thigh, Even though part of me wanted To melt And Dissolve into his arms, My mind was a million miles away. Even as he bent over to look at me, My eyes would not… Could not... Make contact. He was just a blur. I knew I was somehow holding my breath And hyperventilating at the same time. Was it really such a big deal? So he woke me up and said some choice words. Was he even yelling at me? It felt like he was. Ripped from nightmare to awaken into another. It was everything I had not to lock myself in the bathroom, And by lock, I mean... Stuffing a towel into the hole where the doorknob was supposed to be, Pushing my back against the door In a feeble attempt To create some distance between me and the monster. But besides the fact he could easily push the door open, I wasn’t sure if the monster I was referring to was him. Or within me. The tissues piled up as I discreetly wiped my tears. Don’t give him the pleasure of knowing he broke you. But he knew I stared blankly at the laptop in front of me, Tabs open to self-harm help sites. But I was just absent-mindedly scrolling, The words barely sinking in. Was I waiting for the moment to pass? Or for him to leave me alone for a few seconds? Somewhere in the distance an exasperated sigh Signaled he’d grown weary of caring. Or pretending to care. My mind raced back and forth Between demonizing him And demonizing myself. I heard the footsteps go down the stairs, A fridge door open… Then close. And when the smell of food wafted up to where I sat, shaking.. I realized I’d be going hungry today. But it didn’t seem to matter. What mattered was the space I now had. He had said I was bright red, But I could feel the color draining out of my face As I held the lit lighter at an angle. In this position, The flames licked the metal, Heating it to a purposeful degree. Time slowed down. As I lowered the cheap 7-11 Bic to my skin, I made the conscious decision to choose an area I could cover. Contact! Chills suddenly trickled down my spine, Every neuron ablaze, And for a brief second: Bliss. Relief. Release Relapse. . It was nowhere near as good as a blade. But I couldn’t afford more scars. At least not the kind that would take weeks to heal. I pulled the blanket The one I had made before my grandmothers death, Around my shoulders. Lit the green trinket again, Kissed it to the skin of my ankle. Once. Twice. Three times. By the fourth I knew I had to stop. Not because I’d be caught. No he was downstairs Enjoying the food I slaved away to make yesterday. I was convinced none would be saved for me.... I had to stop because I could feel myself ramping up and the goal was discretion. Lest I be accused of trying to manipulate him. The pain radiated upwards, a warm stab against chilled skin. Suddenly, I was exhausted. I wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Instead, I took a swig from the bottle Nestled against the foot of the bed. Silence fell over the house, and even though At the edges of my consciousness I could pick up on the low tones of conversation, The buzzing in my ears drowned out those nuances. “Maybe I should just lay down for a second.” Time passed, and once again he was in the room. Despite hearing him come in, I still jumped when he touched me. I forced myself to direct my gaze, but it all felt empty. Words were coming out of his mouth. Where they questions? He was calling me weird. Telling me how I was bringing down the energy in the room with my depression. He asked me something and I nodded. Once. Twice. Suddenly he disappeared. He seemed happy. Like in some twisted way, my brokenness brought him joy. Squirreled himself away In the bathroom I had original wanted to esape to. I wondered... If he was ************ to the idea of my wanting to **** myself. I shook the thought off. It wouldn’t be surprising. It didn’t make a difference. I couldn’t tell how many minutes bled away, but I eventually arose. Tossed off the covers. Lit a cigarette. And allowed the numbness to take over. As badly as I wanted to sleep, I knew dreams would offer no respite. My mind merely cycled Through suicidal scenarios I could not give into. This is reality. The last few days were an illusion. I wish I was brave enough to draw a last breath, but knew I had no option but to keep living.

0

Dec 15, 2015

Dec 15, 2015 at 4:57 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Dark Prose

I couldn’t help myself. Digging my nails into myself wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to bite my lip because in a few days, I’d be swapping spit with a stranger and I would have No idea where he’d have been. I squeezed down on my fingers, And for a second I thought I might snap one. In my head, I was falling. Even though he walked over Placed his hand on my thigh, Even though part of me wanted To melt And Dissolve into his arms, My mind was a million miles away. Even as he bent over to look at me, My eyes would not… Could not... Make contact. He was just a blur. I knew I was somehow holding my breath And hyperventilating at the same time. Was it really such a big deal? So he woke me up and said some choice words. Was he even yelling at me? It felt like he was. Ripped from nightmare to awaken into another. It was everything I had not to lock myself in the bathroom, And by lock, I mean... Stuffing a towel into the hole where the doorknob was supposed to be, Pushing my back against the door In a feeble attempt To create some distance between me and the monster. But besides the fact he could easily push the door open, I wasn’t sure if the monster I was referring to was him. Or within me. The tissues piled up as I discreetly wiped my tears. Don’t give him the pleasure of knowing he broke you. But he knew I stared blankly at the laptop in front of me, Tabs open to self-harm help sites. But I was just absent-mindedly scrolling, The words barely sinking in. Was I waiting for the moment to pass? Or for him to leave me alone for a few seconds? Somewhere in the distance an exasperated sigh Signaled he’d grown weary of caring. Or pretending to care. My mind raced back and forth Between demonizing him And demonizing myself. I heard the footsteps go down the stairs, A fridge door open… Then close. And when the smell of food wafted up to where I sat, shaking.. I realized I’d be going hungry today. But it didn’t seem to matter. What mattered was the space I now had. He had said I was bright red, But I could feel the color draining out of my face As I held the lit lighter at an angle. In this position, The flames licked the metal, Heating it to a purposeful degree. Time slowed down. As I lowered the cheap 7-11 Bic to my skin, I made the conscious decision to choose an area I could cover. Contact! Chills suddenly trickled down my spine, Every neuron ablaze, And for a brief second: Bliss. Relief. Release Relapse. . It was nowhere near as good as a blade. But I couldn’t afford more scars. At least not the kind that would take weeks to heal. I pulled the blanket The one I had made before my grandmothers death, Around my shoulders. Lit the green trinket again, Kissed it to the skin of my ankle. Once. Twice. Three times. By the fourth I knew I had to stop. Not because I’d be caught. No he was downstairs Enjoying the food I slaved away to make yesterday. I was convinced none would be saved for me.... I had to stop because I could feel myself ramping up and the goal was discretion. Lest I be accused of trying to manipulate him. The pain radiated upwards, a warm stab against chilled skin. Suddenly, I was exhausted. I wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Instead, I took a swig from the bottle Nestled against the foot of the bed. Silence fell over the house, and even though At the edges of my consciousness I could pick up on the low tones of conversation, The buzzing in my ears drowned out those nuances. “Maybe I should just lay down for a second.” Time passed, and once again he was in the room. Despite hearing him come in, I still jumped when he touched me. I forced myself to direct my gaze, but it all felt empty. Words were coming out of his mouth. Where they questions? He was calling me weird. Telling me how I was bringing down the energy in the room with my depression. He asked me something and I nodded. Once. Twice. Suddenly he disappeared. He seemed happy. Like in some twisted way, my brokenness brought him joy. Squirreled himself away In the bathroom I had original wanted to esape to. I wondered... If he was ************ to the idea of my wanting to **** myself. I shook the thought off. It wouldn’t be surprising. It didn’t make a difference. I couldn’t tell how many minutes bled away, but I eventually arose. Tossed off the covers. Lit a cigarette. And allowed the numbness to take over. As badly as I wanted to sleep, I knew dreams would offer no respite. My mind merely cycled Through suicidal scenarios I could not give into. This is reality. The last few days were an illusion. I wish I was brave enough to draw a last breath, but knew I had no option but to keep living.

135

Today the last seam ripped From the veil of purity I bound myself within I’ve come to the realization It was merely a handicap Masquerading as a noble cause So adamant not to play the game My choices left me with no defense No shelter I’ve given too much credence to the interactions of chemicals Falsifying chemistry Turning a blind eye to deceits In a way I was always aware But I eagerly brushed those thoughts aside Hungry for something else Aching for some sort of natural connection But when everything is coordinated and man-made Manipulated There is no such thing as innocence Merely naïve souls unwilling to adapt.

0

Dec 1, 2015

Dec 1, 2015 at 4:41 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Changing

Today the last seam ripped From the veil of purity I bound myself within I’ve come to the realization It was merely a handicap Masquerading as a noble cause So adamant not to play the game My choices left me with no defense No shelter I’ve given too much credence to the interactions of chemicals Falsifying chemistry Turning a blind eye to deceits In a way I was always aware But I eagerly brushed those thoughts aside Hungry for something else Aching for some sort of natural connection But when everything is coordinated and man-made Manipulated There is no such thing as innocence Merely naïve souls unwilling to adapt.

20

With every affirmation My tongue trips over the unspoken Unrequited acceptance of current circumstance My submission is insulting Unbelieving, you see my lowered eyes as an attack Belly up I am confused Unsure of what movements are appropriate Frozen, doe-eyed and exhausted from the constant dance Do I bow Do I speak Merely acknowledging my emotions Sends shockwaves through the tentative peace I was not built for this A goddess prostrated Stripped of her very core Caged and chained But it is almost as if my very attempt to accede Is a declaration of war What kind of existence is this Trapped between personage and possession My only purpose is to please. Allow me.

0

Nov 27, 2015

Nov 27, 2015 at 12:04 AM UTC

monica-figueroa

Unsure

With every affirmation My tongue trips over the unspoken Unrequited acceptance of current circumstance My submission is insulting Unbelieving, you see my lowered eyes as an attack Belly up I am confused Unsure of what movements are appropriate Frozen, doe-eyed and exhausted from the constant dance Do I bow Do I speak Merely acknowledging my emotions Sends shockwaves through the tentative peace I was not built for this A goddess prostrated Stripped of her very core Caged and chained But it is almost as if my very attempt to accede Is a declaration of war What kind of existence is this Trapped between personage and possession My only purpose is to please. Allow me.

23

It's the time of night To come c r a s h i n g d o w n From the HEIGHT of daylight Stars..... whisper our memories So I'll drink to drown their silver tongues out

0

Nov 21, 2015

Nov 21, 2015 at 12:14 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Brevity

It's the time of night To come c r a s h i n g d o w n From the HEIGHT of daylight Stars..... whisper our memories So I'll drink to drown their silver tongues out

20

Its that moment Where stars collide and neurons click That everything becomes clear and confusing All in one instant And that painted smile That empty gaze A fabricated innocence But im drunk Im drugged Intoxicated By both and without my own accord Yet the truth is there burning At the pit of my stomach In the silence In the solitude What is said and unsaid mean untold multitudes Oceans of information Between longitude and latitude Of lies To what degree are we innocent Which part of our guilt do we claim And proclaim that we have nothing to do with it Our own demise The destruction of happiness Of wonder, bliss Of everything sweat for Cried out, bleed and wet for? But therefore I’m not longer afraid What can you do a corpse in a grave? For I have massacred my self My soul is one with nothing but the shelf of Emptiness On which I placed myself upon Believing magic like a pawn I’m simple Destitute in truth But it would just take a word From you To make it absolute.

0

Oct 27, 2015

Oct 27, 2015 at 10:16 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Absolute Destruction of Current Circumstance

Its that moment Where stars collide and neurons click That everything becomes clear and confusing All in one instant And that painted smile That empty gaze A fabricated innocence But im drunk Im drugged Intoxicated By both and without my own accord Yet the truth is there burning At the pit of my stomach In the silence In the solitude What is said and unsaid mean untold multitudes Oceans of information Between longitude and latitude Of lies To what degree are we innocent Which part of our guilt do we claim And proclaim that we have nothing to do with it Our own demise The destruction of happiness Of wonder, bliss Of everything sweat for Cried out, bleed and wet for? But therefore I’m not longer afraid What can you do a corpse in a grave? For I have massacred my self My soul is one with nothing but the shelf of Emptiness On which I placed myself upon Believing magic like a pawn I’m simple Destitute in truth But it would just take a word From you To make it absolute.

40

I’ve grown weary of those who claim A false tense of enlightenment So bored of vast displays Of neon pigments and entitlement For where the fairies walk And spirit hooded figures talk I cannot find, cannot divine Where soul and ego bear to walk… ( in unison ) So permissive is this culture, That I feel the eyes of vulture Preying on the weak and un-avowed In what kind of world is this allowed (to continue?) But who am I to question, The laws, the rites of these transgressions I am merely just an actor An inconsequential factor But I do I dare deny That in your dogma there’s a lie For all the glitter in the world Cannot turn **** into a pearl

0

Oct 12, 2015

Oct 12, 2015 at 7:56 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Culture

I’ve grown weary of those who claim A false tense of enlightenment So bored of vast displays Of neon pigments and entitlement For where the fairies walk And spirit hooded figures talk I cannot find, cannot divine Where soul and ego bear to walk… ( in unison ) So permissive is this culture, That I feel the eyes of vulture Preying on the weak and un-avowed In what kind of world is this allowed (to continue?) But who am I to question, The laws, the rites of these transgressions I am merely just an actor An inconsequential factor But I do I dare deny That in your dogma there’s a lie For all the glitter in the world Cannot turn **** into a pearl

22

Train of thought Intertwined with the ebb and flow of thoughts forgot In the purity of that empty space between your brows In the shapeless darkness where feelings allow Reality to abstract itself Re-arrange and interact with itself Here in the pits of imagination and firing synapses I lost who I was But found who I came here to be

0

Oct 4, 2015

Oct 4, 2015 at 6:04 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Pick Yourself Up

Train of thought Intertwined with the ebb and flow of thoughts forgot In the purity of that empty space between your brows In the shapeless darkness where feelings allow Reality to abstract itself Re-arrange and interact with itself Here in the pits of imagination and firing synapses I lost who I was But found who I came here to be

9

Then I sensed it Rushing forward like a flood A tidal wave of recognition And I suddenly understood what you were talking about We are doomed arent we? And No matter... How sweet the victory tastes right now It will all end in failure How can I sit back and enjoy these moments? How can I resist its tempting taste?

0

Sep 21, 2015

Sep 21, 2015 at 11:28 PM UTC

monica-figueroa

Alternative Sensation

Then I sensed it Rushing forward like a flood A tidal wave of recognition And I suddenly understood what you were talking about We are doomed arent we? And No matter... How sweet the victory tastes right now It will all end in failure How can I sit back and enjoy these moments? How can I resist its tempting taste?

11