Hope is gone
My hope is gone,
I don't feel very strong ,
Making it work always seems wrong,
Sitting in a room where I feel I don't belong,
Trying to understand where I went wrong,
What am I hearing those voices in the air,
They're always telling me to be very scared,
I look around the room but there's nobody ever there,
Lonely and afraid that I'll never see the happiness of a day,
The cold room is Damp,
Theirs a smell in the air,
I try to figure out how I even got here,
I stop and I think,
Then I realized,
I put myself here.
Feb 12, 2018
Feb 12, 2018 at 4:45 PM UTC
Triple diagnosis this wasn't me
I wants had many friends,
I was social and Popular,
Life was good didn't think it would change,
One day I woke up and nothing was the same,
That's when it all happened and started to begin,
I lost my control and don't know why,
33 years old,
feeling like I'd rather die,
no more control,
It interferes in my life,
the soul begins to rip out my chest,
my soul I'm dying inside,
Day to day,
Week to week,
Month after month,
I hide in the shadows,
They begin to fade,
I hope not to see another day,
I no longer can work hardly go anywhere,
When will this stop I hate feeling so scared,
Only leaving the room for appointments cause I hate being anywhere,
Everyday is pretty much the same,
When I go somewhere I put myself through all the shame,
I start my journey along the streets,
Walking to the bus I hold my breath deep,
Knowing what will happen,
I try not to fuss,
Keeping myself together,
In my mind that's a must,
Oh I can feel it,
It's starting to creep,
I don't want to cry because no more attention I want from anyone's eye's,
I get on the bus I sit in a chair,
Before you know it people start to stare,
Got my hoodie over my head,
My hat turndown tight,
Trying to hide myself,
These feelings aren't right,
I can't take the embarrassment of showing my face,
Hoping nobody will remember me being in this place,
Some people might stand up and move away,
My presence is hard to bare cause i know,
I feel it everywhere,
Can't really blame them if they move to another chair,
But that's when I know It's another one of those days,
I just look down hoping This will all just go away,
My destination is getting near,
I can see it from here,
I began to stand up and it's obviously
clear,
I don't look back at seat,
Afraid someone might say something
to make me feel more incomplete,
I have a mental illness,
How could this be,
I've always been normal,
Never was there anything wrong with me,
Triple diagnosis that wasn't me,
High anxiety psychosis
schizophrenia,
How could this be,
I was the one that people wanted around,
Now I definitely can't be found,
The phone use to ring all the time,
Now it doesn't even make a sound,
I can't even walk into a store without my anxiety starting a war,
My sweat starts to drip right to the floor,
My shirt is soaked,
My hoodie is too,
Along with my pants,
I don't know what to do,
It's like I fell into a lake,
Or wet my pants,
Sometimes i wonder if that's even a chance,
So I live my life alone and sad,
Can't be around people and this make's me mad,
I'm a prisoner locked up in my own space,
Wishing that one day I'll wake up and this won't be the case,
I want my life back,
I want my wish to come true,
I want to be me again,
oh how I wish this would just come true.
Feb 12, 2018
Feb 12, 2018 at 4:42 PM UTC
up in the morning,
you stretch your back legs,
its time to take you out thats how we started our day,
while waiting patiently as i put my shoes on,
your harness secure your leash right on,
started are walk like every morning,
nothing felt wrong,
the decision to go to work or to call in sick,
had to make this decision had to make it quick,
outside we walked along the street,
you walk along beside me prancing your little feet,
taking your ****** around the tree where you always stopped to ******
we finished our walk,
and i was going to work,
i wish i would have stayed oh how i regret that day,
the building manager watched over you,
how i regret leaving you,
I'm sorry i left you my baby boo boo,
i said my good byes i was already late,
telling you i love you,
i thought id see you later that day,
the day went by i worked my whole shift,
on my way to pick you up,
wasn't prepare for all this,
got to the door as he shared the news,
that you had passed away,
my life took a turn,
it would never be the same,
dropped to my knees stared to cry,
as i felt my soul begin to die,
how did this happen what did i miss,
you were fine this morning now i’ll never know this,
I beat myself up for leaving you that day,
for a job that doesn’t exist anymore anyway,
your soft white curly coat,
your bark as skate boards go by,
i never got to say good bye,
your scent of that stinky dog breath of yours,
how it made me feel comfort that smell that you had,
cuddling close up in my arms,
licking at my face and now your gone,
oh how i miss you every night,
I want you to know how much i love you,
my baby boy Prada,
the little white poodle forever thats you.
Jan 30, 2018
Jan 30, 2018 at 9:18 PM UTC
you sit and you say how it’s been
"a though day"
and how you wish it could be different
you made it this way
as the beholder it lies in your hands
your the one who can change it
i’ll say it again
cause if it was me
then i’d stop and make changes
to correct the obvious
that means really go forward,
to saving whats left,
even trying harder doing whats best,
but let me be quit honest after receiving your text,
you must think I'm some joke and will fall for this sh**,
your words exactly,
should i feel really bad
U-“It’s our anniversary
and I woke up cold huddled
in a ball- without you”
me-but how about the other night
when you text me again,
your words exactly should i tell you again
U-“i’m getting f**ked“
Me-did you feel this way when you got f**ked just the other day
well tell me how did you feel huddled in "THAT BALL"
you were with out me then
I'm sure it felt good, so use today and do it agian
stop with this game,
do whatever you want and stop trying to cover up
all this stupid ****
Cause really you don't give a f**k
like i said if you did you’d make changes
about us
oh wait you did already
am i suppose to give a ****
Jan 25, 2018
Jan 25, 2018 at 8:59 PM UTC
why would you want to hurt me more
calling me last night to tell me you were with some *****
Does it bring you pleasure in that,
knowing that now i have to deal with it,
I'm trying my best everyday to keep at a far distance,
but no matter what i do,
you keep interfering in some way,
live your life and let me live mine,
I'm trying hard and your acting way out of line,
do you really get off on making me cry,
I often ask the universe when you'll get your punishment for doing what you do,
I really don't get it,
i must have been bad in my last life that i once had,
cause everything that I've been through it’s hard to believe this is some lesson to,
I guess there are those ones that become samples for everyone,
a sample of what not to do and or let anyone put you through,
so people learn to you from me
don't let anyone treat you like he treated me
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 10:08 PM UTC
like a fool i wait for another mistake
your controlling me you have infected my brain
an open wound that won't heal
oh how it bleeds uncontrollably
how do i escape when your my biggest mistake
I'm still the one left alone
he told me he wouldn't hurt me
i choose to believe him
but then he did it
and did it again
I'm not expecting you to understand
go ahead and judge me and choose to close your open hand
if i loose him it will feel as if I've lost my dying heart
i hope he see's it and how I'm coming apart
i've honored him from the start
did everybody get that
who wants to live a life with nothing
i need him just as much as he needs me
in some sick twisted way he completes me
maybe I'm the only one that will see
my bleeding from my open heart
i just wish he would bleed like me
i'd like to see him fall apart
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 10:23 AM UTC
i know you don’t want to be with me,
please stop with the i love you’s,
you don't even know what that means
do you really think that I'm a fool
i cant make the person that i once loved be in a relationship that i only dream of.
so I decided for myself to not have you around
so why are you threatening me
being so hateful and mean
telling me this will get ugly
why are you being like this
what do you mean,
I hate that your deceitful
dishonest and untrustworthy,
a two-faced LYING **** thats
forcing them selfs in my life
I'm really trying to understand
how you could be so selfish
you just break my heart over and over again,
its better that your very far you see,
cause having you around just hurts me,
what don't you understand.
i don't want you around me
i don't want to be your friend,
and moments that i think of you
i start to remember how you treated me
with no respect you've given me
you always would get rid of me,
please oh please just let me be free
Jan 23, 2018
Jan 23, 2018 at 7:01 AM UTC
How it’s advised in our relationship to not tell lies,
you tend to think those things you keep is to prevent me from hurting
but really its to cover up as you cheat,
its more selfish on your part cause I'm the only one with a
broken heart,
the truth is much more deserving,
its quit terrible some of the things you've done,
some are good, some are bad, some made me happy, sad and mad, some are embarrassing and some you’d wish you never had,
how you try to cover it all up,
so keep it up with lie after lie you'll just get caught up,
there are those things that you tend to forget because it didn't seem to important to remember it,
now that might be many things you've done,
most all bad i hope you had fun,
if it was something in the past you'd like to keep
hidden but that never last,
and it will become draining you'll see
but you started the lie it wasn't me,
how our relationship became nothing but lies you might as well forget it,
why even try
Jan 18, 2018
Jan 18, 2018 at 11:35 PM UTC
I remember the day how we felt the same way,
the attraction,
the passion the romantic satisfaction,
thats how the sparks lead to the mutual desire,
how the touch of your hand set me on fire,
that special connection we shared felt like no one else could compare,
until that day when you started to pull away,
preoccupied in your thoughts with A distraction,
my instincts are clear how this makes me insecure,
now bad energy is here,
all my emotions with fear have sufficed to the top and now i'm feeling distraught,
conversations reflect with less motivation and neglect,
that genuine connect becomes disrespect,
not honest nor true just lies and confused,
i walk with these tears and fighting alone with all fears,
your feelings of regret and enforcement to a threat,
questioning all emotions but waiting to see whats next
Jan 15, 2018
Jan 15, 2018 at 10:04 AM UTC