"this doesn't make sense?"
"you like girls?"
"you're just saying this for attention"
I'm sorry I told you
I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't think you would react like this
you have rounds after rounds at the bar even a year later
drinking away the pain so that maybe when
or if you come home I could be blurry enough to maybe look straight
I'm not saying that I don't like boys anymore Mom
I don't know this right now but
all I know is that when I'm holding her hand
or when I'm looking at her smile nothing else matters
it's like everything that has never made sense finally does when she's here
you try to send me to different counselors to maybe change my mind
you say "it's wrong"
but really nothing has ever felt so right
people talk about "coming out of the closet"
why the **** is there even a closet?
why do I have to "come out"?
why don't straight people "come out"?
why is it so difficult to open up and be who we are?
Mom it's parents like you that make kids stay in the closet
parents are supposed to support their child the most
but I found out they could hurt us the most as well
the counseling will never work
and if you have to drink to deal with the pain
that's fine but I'm not going to sit with you at A.A.
Jun 13, 2016
Jun 13, 2016 at 1:03 AM UTC
it's late at night
I can't stop thinking
thinking about who I should be
or what I should be
or what I need to do in the
future
the future absolutely terrifies me
I'm 17 sitting in school in September asking to go to the bathroom
and in December I'm supposed to make decisions on what I want to be
or who I want to be
or where I even want to go in this big world when I'm older
how can I make these big life decisions
when I still can't figure out what I want for breakfast
Jun 13, 2016
Jun 13, 2016 at 12:37 AM UTC
if I could
I would bring you back here
you would be able to watch me grow up
do the unimportant things and then the important ones
I would still be able to call you
and you would be able to make me smile
and I would actually mean the smile
my eyes would brighten up as my face would glow
I would be happy
I haven't actually been able to be happy but I am trying
for you
I love God but I don't understand why he would take you from me
you're right maybe I deserved to lose you
as I would spit nasty words about you
"I hate my Dad" "He doesn't care" "I don't want to talk to him"
Every time I think about it
it makes me hate myself even more
maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson
don't take granted of someone/something
cause' they can be gone in a second
I think about how different things would be if you were alive
I wish that you were still here Dad
Everyday,
just one more time so I can tell you everything
that I didn't get the chance too
Apr 1, 2015
Apr 1, 2015 at 5:16 PM UTC
"love"
love is heaven or hell
love one day will make you feel like you're worth a million bucks
but
love the next day will be the reason you're hitting the bathroom floor, crying and wishing that you never met love in the first place
love can lift you up higher and happier than ever before
but then love will drop you and laugh when you start to bleed
love will tell you that ***** is in love with you
and you will fall for it
when love wraps their hands around your waist and kisses your head
but don't forget
when love tells you that they're in love with you
that doesn't mean that love won't leave
Jan 30, 2015
Jan 30, 2015 at 9:40 AM UTC
Someday, I'm going to look at you at not feel anything anymore.
I'm not going to want to look into your eyes
and see how big and bright they shine in the light.
I'm not going to want to remember
the way my head would fit into your shoulder
like that space was made just for me.
I'm not going to scroll through our texts or pictures
and smile or laugh about the memories.
I especially won't cry over you anymore
because I'll know that you were never worth it.
I'll realize that nothing lasts forever
and even though I tried so hard to make you stay
I knew there was a reason I had to let you go.
I'll be okay with it someday
and that someday is today.
Dec 1, 2014
Dec 1, 2014 at 6:51 PM UTC
Dear curvy girl,
I see you looking at your thighs with burning hatred. I see you look at the skinny girls like they're gods but nothing tastes more like heaven than slices of cake I swear
Dear old best friends,
I miss you so much and even though we aren't talking I just want to say thank you for everything. Thank you for the memories and laughs, it ***** with out you all but just know that you're always going to be important to me.
Dear ******* who broke my heart,
I hope you get your heart ripped out of your chest so hard, you can barely breathe and I hope I ******* cross your mind so you know how much it hurt me.
Dear Dad,
there's so much I could say to you. I hope I'm making you proud and most of the time I wonder what life would be like if you were still here. I miss you so much and love you even more
Dear boy that I'll love in the future,
hug me and kiss me all over, tickle me even when I tell you to stop, make me laugh so hard I cry. Most importantly treat me like a ******* princess, tell me constantly how beautiful I am even when I try to tell you different.
Dear Mom,
I can't live without you and I hope to be as strong and caring as you are. You always have got me what I needed even when money was tight and when I get rich and famous. Money won't be an issue.
Dear me,
learn how to love yourself and try not to think so bad about yourself. You have such a beautiful smile that lights up every room you walk into but you can never see it. Laugh as much as you can and live each moment like it's your last.
Nov 5, 2014
Nov 5, 2014 at 6:13 PM UTC
I told myself I wouldn't fall for you again
because **** you for leaving me the first time.
I bet you didn't know but when you left you took apart of me with you.
seeing you with her killed me inside,
you didn't know because we haven't talked since last year
but holy **** when she was lying to you, cheating on you
I just thought back to when we were together and
how ******* stupid you were for not being with me
and how I could've gave you the whole world and all of me.
Saturday when we were laying down together
I kept telling myself in my head
"don't ******* fall for this ******** it's only a one night thing,
remember how easy he left you the first time."
but when you put your hand around my waist and fell asleep,
I couldn't help but stare at you and think maybe this time is different
maybe this time it'll work out
but when the next day came,
you didn't even say a word.
this was a one night thing to you
but to me it felt like it could've be so much more
Nov 3, 2014
Nov 3, 2014 at 12:30 PM UTC
1 for the one word, Dad, that breaks my heart
2..
3...three words that I last said to you "I love you" but I didn't know that would be the last time
4..
5..
6...
7... the age when I learned that 2 people don't always stay together. When I heard the fighting and when mom and I moved in a apartment..but without you and I didn't know what to do.
8...
9...
10...
11..When I swore that I hated you because I thought you were never there, when actually I just would try to shut you out
12..
13...my age when I lost you
13...when I learned what it was like to have something change your life and have a gapping hole so big that I swear people could see through it
13.. I learned how to fake smile and tell people "I'm okay" when I'm tearing myself apart on the inside
14.. I'm scared, everything's changing without you and I can't call you and hear your voice anymore when I'm having a bad day
15...
16... the number of boxes that were sitting on the porch at Mom's house full of stuff that was in my room at our house and I don't know what to do with it so I'll just leave it in a box and try to think that it's still at home with you
17... I don't understand why I lost you and I break down at nights because I try to understand but I just can't
18..
19...
20... the number of times that I try to write something to you but I stop myself because I have so many words to say to you that I couldn't possible write it down
21... I'm starting to forget all of the little things about you that I want to tell my children
22...I wish that you were still here to tell me that everything will be okay
23...I want to tell you how much you mean to me and how awful and hard it is without you...
24..the date that breaks my heart and brings me back the worst flashbacks
24.. all I think of is how I should've stayed with you, I should've been holding your hand when you were going up to heaven
24.. When people were getting tucked in to bed waiting for Santa come the next morning, I was waiting to wake up from this nightmare
24... tell me this is all a sick joke, I tried calling you, I just want to hear your voice one more time please pick up
24...I can't grow up without my Dad not being here with me please
24..I don't know what I'm going to be with out you
you never made it see the 25th
Sep 23, 2014
Sep 23, 2014 at 9:14 PM UTC
I'm torn
torn between
trying to forget you
and
trying to remember everything about us.
I want to make you so happy
but I want to make you hurt as bad as I do
when I see you with her.
It brings me back to the days when you said forever,
who knew forever measured to be 6 months.
There's a quote
"If you love something set it free,
If it comes back to you, it's meant to be
If not, it never was."
and god do I hope you come back
because I miss you so much
Aug 22, 2014
Aug 22, 2014 at 2:07 PM UTC
We haven't talked in 2 months
I'm trying to be okay with that
Jun 11, 2014
Jun 11, 2014 at 7:57 PM UTC