melissa-breanne
Canadian
I find that words take my hurt and my pain and turn it into something just a little bit more beautiful. Something that I can read and read again and know that those feelings do not need to reoccur. Those feelings are now in my words and the hurt can stay there because I have new things to experience and new pain to conquer.
The sun is shining brilliantly upon my face
The misery in my heart is slowly evaporating
Could this day possibly be more grand?
Blades of sweet smelling grass whisper to me
They tell me tales of love and heartache
Of magic, mystery, and wonder
A field of daisies is where I find my rest
I skip and smile, two things normally foreign to me
Birds chirp their cheerful melodies to me
Wind caresses the branches of trees
The sounds around me are the songs of life
A place so perfect I know I cannot stay for long
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 7:50 PM UTC
She cuts herself at night to see if she still feels
To see if anything is real and the scars they never heal
She tries to forget, but the memories are strong
There's no turning back from the damage she's done
She is watched and is judged
Made fun of, never loved
People are rarely polite or kind
They don't see what goes on in her mind
And either do I, but at least I will try
To smother her constant suffering
To rid her of tears that are ever flowing
Every night her pillow case is makeup stained as she stays up and cries
And she cringes as her own skin breaks open like an old, fragile vase
Yet she still feels the need to continually watch herself bleed
As she feeds her emotions and internal commotions
She's reminded of sorrow and personal convulsions
Even burns on her skin hesitate to smile back
But as they do, she finds a moment to relax
And when the wax falls hard off her skin
All she's left with is an emptiness within
When she says she feels like she wants to die
I wish that for her I could rip open the sky
Make it erupt with silver- lined clouds and sunshine
I truly do want her world to seem fine
Like everything's okay, though I know that's a lie
Her own mind is stressed with problems and decisions
All the horrible scenarios that she envisions
Somehow seem more real with each new incision
The razor she takes and creates another tear
The idea of self hatred seeds itself there
And quickly it evolves much deeper within her
After the blood flows
Her wrists take shelter in a prison of long sleeves
Though, many find her tales difficult to believe
She fights to take what sides she has left
In a world sent out to steal her last breath
Her parents don't want to understand her
Her friends don't take the time to scan her
They just leave her stranded
Left out for dead
Lost in her head
"Smile for me child
Won't you try and live for awhile?
Please don't go back and react with negativity
Don't try to find relief in your twisted stress release
Won't you please stay with me?
Please, I beg you, put down that knife
More than anything, I need you in my life"
But it comes to no surprise when she lies,
"I'm fine"
The line used to define that you're not
My stomach knots up and I feel so caught
It's not as if I've never felt this way before
But we're so close that I had expected much more
Expected a little willingness to try
To unravel our lives summed up in a lie
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 5:54 PM UTC
She cuts her self at night, to see if she still feels,
to see if anything is real and the scars they never heal,
though she tries the memory's... like the scars..... are
more then real and shall never fade though she stays
up late and prays they may,she is made…. an example of,
the people are never kind, but they don't know what
goes through her mind, and either do i, though i always
try, every night she stays up and crys but she feels the need to
continually watch her self bleed,
As she feeds it, the emotions and internal commotions,
bring down sorrow and personal convulsions, Burns on her
skin smile back, it takes her a moment to relax, after wax
falls hard off her skin, leaving only an emptiness within,
When she feels she wants to die, I want to make the sky,
open up and all the clouds erupt into sunshine, make the
world seem fine, and everything's okay, but it's not,
her own mind is fraught with problems and decisions
and the thing that she envisions is the problems that
she's created with each incision
And as the razor takes and creates another tear,
The fear grows greater as the self hate grows
and evolves much deeper, Within her,
After the blood flows, the longs sleeves lay low,
on her arms in order to hide, she fights to take
what sides she has left, after all the mental stress,
her parents don’t understand her, her friends don’t
take the time to scan her, they just leave her stranded,
left out for dead lost in her head,
Smile for me child, wont you try and live for a while?
Please don't go back and react to each thing with negativity,
and try to get relief through poor stress release,
wont you please stay with me put down that knife,
stay in my life come to my paradise,
But it comes to no surprise, she lies, "I'm fine," the line,
used to define that you're not and I feel so caught like
a naught in my stomach and it's not like I've never felt
this before, but it hurts even more since you're close
but I drift like a ghost through your life, transparent,
I want to be there, to wipe away every tear
and the memory that every scar leaves,
But im afraid of the self relief
the cutting brings its turn into a habit,
Shes just has to have it,
I try to understand it to the best that I can,
But when I don’t… she leaves me to ponder
Wander the streets in my mind to find
The answer, to all this hate and sorrow,
The depression will eat you, me alive but we
must strive to look at the brighter side,
As she lays there, naked in the tub, she starts to
rub body lotion over stomach cuts, just to feel the
sting while she scrubs, its her drug and the pain
that she feels when there's strain, she wont explain
or be constrained as she lines her chest with red
human paint,
Its like a taint of the mind that is never forgotten or wanted,
But still haunted by uncertainty, pain, and misery
The pain that could fill troughs, but the love that
I have for her could never be lost......
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 5:44 PM UTC
There are times
Times where I think I hate you
My heart tends to tell me otherwise
It is jealousy controlling me
I want to be with you
To feel the comfort of your strong arms
Please don't walk away again
To spend time with everyone else
It seems that others are stealing you
We belong together
My heart tells me so
My brain says to stay away
Deep down the truth remains
Waiting for a time to reveal itself
Your truth already has
I can tell by the way you compliment me
The way you tell my I'm special
I love you involuntarily
Not realizing the problems to come
I am jealous of girls you look at
IYou feel the same about me
One day this will all be resolved
Whether through marriage or not
To each other or somebody else
We shall always love each other
Our friendship never failing
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 5:23 PM UTC
This thought tears me apart
Causes me to hide from the world
It is the thought of not being enough
Not pretty enough
Not kind enough
Not popular enough
Not thin enough
Not intelligent enough
It is these thoughts that make me cower in fear
I can't face the world if I'm not enough
I don't feel worthy of life
And this is the reason why
What if I'm not good enough for him
Am I only wasting my time
Is it a worthless dream
One that has no hope of becoming reality
I long to hear that I am enough
Long to hear it from him
It will never happen, though
There are other girls
Girls that are beautiful and kind
Girls that are enough
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 5:17 PM UTC
I must confess that I am jealous
She has it all, but somehow can't see it
The good looks, the boy, the family
Why can't she see this obviousness
Instead she hurts herself
Tries to take away the pain
A pain that doesn't truly exist
I want her to see this
But I am not important enough
Her lovely boyfriend must tell her this
The one that smells like heaven
The one that will never be mine
Not that this worries me
I only want him to realize her strength
She has a charm that controls him
He doesn't understand this
He must be told before it's too late
Before he is gone forever
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 5:13 PM UTC
I am unique
My problems severe
More than even I can understand
I enjoy releasing endorphins
They make me feel normal
Make me forget about the world
I don't tend to acquire nutrients
They usually leave hastily
Not wanting to cause trouble
I know I'm not ugly
Sometimes I even look half decent
The mirror is my biggest enemy
Attraction is quite the struggle
I am not alone in this matter
Not being accepted is the most frightening thing
I don't know what people see in me
I'm not sure if I want to
I like to think I'm a monster at times
I have such low self- confidence
Especially in my abilities
But in everything else as well
I think my personality is great
I am outgoing and fun
Or at least I used to be
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 4:45 PM UTC
Have you ever wanted to cry
To let out all feeling locked up inside
I experience this everyday
Not knowing who I can trust
Who I can turn to in times of need
Jesus is always there for me
I can speak to him through prayer
I love him more than anything
But I long for a human friend
Someone who will always listen
Whether I'm obsessing about a boy
Or stressing over an upcoming test
When things go wrong they'll be there
They'll know when I need a hug
Or a shoulder to cry on
God, will you help me find them?
The person I can trust with my life
Someone who feels the same as me
And will always support me
That's the kind of friend I need
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 4:41 PM UTC
We tried and failed
The two of us don't make sense
You can be kind or horrible
I'm not sure how I feel
Do I hate or love you?
You tend to be a bit dramatic
Yet understanding at the same time
Should I open up to you?
Would you think differently of me
Knowing my darkest secrets
There are too many to name
All painful to think, much less tell
Letting you in could hurt
Lead to heartbreak and despair
But I'm already broken, aren't I?
So what does it matter?
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 4:38 PM UTC
She reached for something
Anything sharp enough to draw blood
She needed to feel pain
It knew everything about her
And it never failed to distract her from life
It seemed to her like a best friend
Most of the time even better
No one knew of her secret pleasure
They only knew the mask
The mask of a smart, beautiful, laughing girl
They couldn't see the struggling beneath
All the hurt and confusion
She no longer wanted the relief of a knife
She longed for more than blood and pain could offer
It's magic was quickly fading
Next she wanted and end to everything
Sure they'd talk
But not for long
Call her selfish, weak, and ungrateful
No one would ever understand
Weeks dragged on as thoughts consumed her mind
Rope, bridge, trigger, overdose... the options overwhelming
But she'd made her long- awaited decision
That night she felt the icy trigger on her fingertips
The tip of the gun imprinted on the roof of her mouth
Tears flooded down her face
She'd made the worst possible mistake
She'd started to think
She though about her life
About the numerous times she'd sat there before
In that same place on the edge of her bed
She didn't want to play this game with herself again
Her grip tightened
A shot rang out
A beautiful soul was lost forever
Aug 17, 2011
Aug 17, 2011 at 4:26 PM UTC