This morning I woke up with my hand hurting again.
I wake up most mornings with an ache of some sort,
whether it be physically or emotionally.
I thought, not for the first time, about how
I'm too young for this.
See, I was born into this life with a prescription for
pills written into my ribs.
I've been popping them since before I knew what
they meant, or how they destroy my body.
I haven't always been this achey, but I have always
had something wrong with me.
Anxiety stole my childhood, left me running for the
glowing exit sign that is the end of my life.
And I'm not saying I didn't have a good childhood,
but I grew up fearing that toothpaste would **** me
if I accidentally swallowed too much of it.
I still reap the consquences of anxiety to this day.
I grew up with knee problems and anxiety,
grew into depression and now I have to take pills
just to feel normal again.
And sometimes it doesn't work.
See, some days I feel like a regular kid.
I wake up, go to school, come back to family where
I don't have to wonder if they love me or not.
On these days I feel like I can accomplish anything.
I feel like the world is in my hands and all I have to do
is try.
Other days I'm a walking suicide note.
My bed is quick sand, drawing me further and further
into the black that I can't find my way out of.
There's a tornado sending my thoughts into a spiral
and I'm too dizzy to fix this.
When you're this sad, there is no such thing as a
"minor inconvenience."
Everything that stands in the way, small as it may be,
is another reason on my ever growing list of why
I shouldn't be here.
I stayed up until 6 o'clock this morning wondering
why I haven't signed my name on the goodbye note yet.
I didn't reach out to anyone but I still cried when no
one noticed how broken I am.
But why would anyone notice in the first place?
Why would anyone care?
This morning I woke up with my hand hurting again.
As I was taking my daily pills, I wondered, not for the
first time,
If I took enough pain pills, would it cure my aching
soul, too?
Sep 7, 2019
Sep 7, 2019 at 9:33 PM UTC
I've always had a soft heart.
People often find ways to use it
against me, but still, I stay soft.
They say it's a weakness, to care.
I say it's a strength.
To stay caring about everything in
a world where it's far too easy to
close up, turn your walls into
brick and never let anyone in.
My softness is not a weakness.
It is the best things about myself.
I whisper into sunflowers and
they grow out of my skin.
I have a garden in my lungs,
blooming under the warmth of
my delicate care.
My softness is what makes me
human, what makes me so
uniquely me.
I don't know who I'd be without it.
My heart on my sleeve is one
thing I carry so proudly,
and **** does it look exquisite on me.
Jul 16, 2019
Jul 16, 2019 at 2:09 PM UTC