There's some things I fear more than others. Loud noises, stress, being seen as worthless... sometimes I worry I'm not enough. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm not feeling enough. Maybe... it's just me. And I already know I'm not enough. Not nice enough. Not good enough. Not fast enough. But sometimes it's okay. Like when it's late at night and my mind turns to you... and I just don't have enough energy to think about it. About how you're just enough. Just enough to make me feel something again. Just enough to make me reach out and touch something warm again. I lay here and think... that I wish that were more than enough. To make me happy...
Again.
But then again... I'm not enough.
Jun 3, 2017
Jun 3, 2017 at 7:54 AM UTC
If I knew what love was,
I'd feel it,
Right?
If I knew what love is,
I'd find it easily...
Right?
If I knew what love is...
Would I still have found you?
Cuz if I knew what love is,
I'd find it in your smile,
Your warm hands and playful laugh.
I'd find it in the way you fix your hair;
In your voice and the way you look at me.
If I knew what love is...
I'd know I found it.
May 29, 2016
May 29, 2016 at 9:09 AM UTC
If it were up to me, it'd be you and I for eternity. Laying entwined as time stopped. We'd be the embodiment of forever. We'd be us for all of time. Just us. In the sunlight, laying warm and perfect. Soft and gentle, I'd hold your hand. For all of time, in all the land. Our love would stay. We would be... forever, just you and me.
Apr 20, 2016
Apr 20, 2016 at 2:46 AM UTC
You're so close to perfect.
So close to being everything...
I'm fearing the day it comes.
I fear the day I look at you and feel that warm breeze of flirtation become a blazing heat in my heart.
A need for you.
Your heart and body.
Your soul and scars and flaws and...
Everything.
I fear the day I fall in love again.
I fear it's already happened.
I fear that craving of your affection,
Your attention, and your need for me, too.
I'm afraid to be scared to lose you.
I'm afraid of connecting and attaching.
I want to be brave.
I want to look at all this and say "It's okay. You've never let go. You're strong and you're smart and you're brave. You love him. It's okay."
I want to feel alright.
That this fear is nothing. It's just a small worry.
But it's crippling.
It's terrifying me.
If I love you...
Then I can never have thoughts without you again.
I can't sleep a night without wanting your voice on my ears,
And your touch in my hair.
I fear I love you...
Again.
Apr 5, 2016
Apr 5, 2016 at 7:27 AM UTC
If I could tell you how I feel, it would be a mess.
I would start with what I think of you.
When I think of you...
I wish you were a better person.
That you had better opinions.
That you considered others more.
Then I'd tell you how you make me feel.
When I see you, my mind goes blank and whispers your name.
My eyes blur and focus on your face.
They push liquid memories down my cheeks and flush away all thoughts.
My heart sings softly of your touch.
I wish what I feel has reason.
Why do I love you? You're not great. You barely pass "good."
Yet you pass right through me. All my defenses. All my security.
My love remembers you.
But I wish I could forget.
Forget you were here. Forget you exist. Forget you are important.
I wish I could fix myself. Fix these thoughts with a figurative hammer and shatter those bloody-tear-stained glass string that attach me to your back, where memories pull me towards you.
Remember when you told me there was nothing wrong with me?
That I'm perfection solidified, personified?
I remember... when I think about how much I hate you. When I see reasons that you're nothing special. Nothing great. You're not a good person, oh, no. But I remember...
How you're good to me.
But you weren't really?
Remember when I doubted your loyalty? How I thought you were my mistake?
When I thought you could never purposely try to hurt me, or anyone.
Then we did what we did.
And now I can believe it.
I thought you were faultless.
I thought you were amazing. Flawless. Perfection personified.
Why do I still feel it?
Why can't I let go?
You're nothing special.
Nothing good.
Remember when you held my hand, after all these years?
When you saw me for me? When it was just you and I.
Just you and I. There was nothing anymore.
No worries. No time.
No time to be just us.
Everything but time froze. Everything but the world.
I wish I could forget you.
Everything about you.
I wish I could love again.
Feb 25, 2016
Feb 25, 2016 at 4:38 AM UTC
When someone tells you they're in love with you. They're giving you themselves. Whole. Raw. Heart and soul. They're giving you trust and adoration. A hold on them.
...I...
I could never tell you.
You, who is everything else I need in my life.
You, who can tear me apart and keep me together.
You can never know just how much you really mean to me.
Just how much you've always meant to me.
Feb 25, 2016
Feb 25, 2016 at 4:17 AM UTC
I'm fascinated by language. Words that can be used simply, without thought and an exchange is happening. Or it can be a recitation, a spiel, an epilogue of soliloquies passed from language to mind in a scientific magic. It can be raptured words of ecstatic bliss! Or hateful slurs of pissed-off **** It's a rhythm, a movement, a still pond of thought. Language happens whether you want it or not. A simple silence will pray, "Do not approach, please!!" or roar from the depths a loud "I'll kick you in your knees." It's a statement, a charge. A description, a related recital of rundown redundancy, reiterating what we already know. I am FASCINATED with language. And so you should be, too. Cuz it's all in our heads... and it's varied in hue.
Feb 16, 2016
Feb 16, 2016 at 3:19 PM UTC
I still think of you. In my mind's eye and in my memory's grasp, you're closer than a scratch. You're simply there.
Impatiently pacing my memories and fantasies. My dreams are you and my thoughts are you. There is now nowhere I
haven't been touched by you. I've loved you and I've hated you. You enrage and you delight me.
My soul reaches out for you. Cries for you. It lives for you and dies for you. Everything.
Everything I have.
it's all you... You... yUo... YuO... YOU! It's all you! I'm left hopeless. But this only redundant rhythm gives me hope.
Where do you stand? (not with me) How do you feel? (not good) How would you feel if you knew this? (angry, disgusted)
Do you feel the same for me; always have me on my mind and never wavering from me? (impossible) But... you're not everything
to me. I can't allow that. You're simply... everything else. You're a thought. A memory. A good time.
You're a time I was elated. When I liked myself because you liked me. When I was something to someone.
You're what I could not see in myself. Confident and smart. Charming and cute. Loving and gentle. Someone important.
Someone who cares for me and about me. Some one who mattered. You're not everything, you see. But you're everything else.
Feb 14, 2016
Feb 14, 2016 at 5:34 AM UTC
Here's my heart,
Locked away
So keep it for another day
And maybe in a century
My heart would want to return to me
Feb 13, 2016
Feb 13, 2016 at 8:28 PM UTC