maia-vasconez - Hello Poetry

Keep the lights off, I look too much like my mother today. Pack the sadness up into boxes and put it away. No one wants to see that anymore. All my friends are rays of sunshine and I have to bite my cheek. I don't smile, I bare my teeth. I keep them all at arms length unless they can feel their way through the hall in the dark, now that every room gets dim with me inside of it. In fact, what if we sleep through this one? What if I just lie down and let the birds peck at me?

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Sep 23, 2019

Sep 23, 2019 at 4:55 AM UTC

I don't know what to name this one

Keep the lights off, I look too much like my mother today. Pack the sadness up into boxes and put it away. No one wants to see that anymore. All my friends are rays of sunshine and I have to bite my cheek. I don't smile, I bare my teeth. I keep them all at arms length unless they can feel their way through the hall in the dark, now that every room gets dim with me inside of it. In fact, what if we sleep through this one? What if I just lie down and let the birds peck at me?

17

In the mornings, I ate like a hummingbird. Handfuls of white chocolate chips and blueberries. Saucers of green tea. You do not know devotion until you have seen these rituals. These little rituals where a young girl wakes up, strips down, holds her breath, and steps on the scale. I wanted to hear my skeleton rattle inside me like a set of keys. I had a tape measure under my bed, and a death wish. There is nothing I know, nothing more precious than this. I wanted to be diamond rough, and jagged edges. She’s a fairy, she just can’t fly because she doesn’t eat. Have you seen the disappearing act where the girl makes herself shrink and no one notices because she is already small? I won’t stop until I drink air and eat sunshine. I won’t stop until they worry (they love me).

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Sep 23, 2019

Sep 23, 2019 at 4:52 AM UTC

Hummingbird

In the mornings, I ate like a hummingbird. Handfuls of white chocolate chips and blueberries. Saucers of green tea. You do not know devotion until you have seen these rituals. These little rituals where a young girl wakes up, strips down, holds her breath, and steps on the scale. I wanted to hear my skeleton rattle inside me like a set of keys. I had a tape measure under my bed, and a death wish. There is nothing I know, nothing more precious than this. I wanted to be diamond rough, and jagged edges. She’s a fairy, she just can’t fly because she doesn’t eat. Have you seen the disappearing act where the girl makes herself shrink and no one notices because she is already small? I won’t stop until I drink air and eat sunshine. I won’t stop until they worry (they love me).

32

The weatherman said it was going to rain but he didn’t mention when it would let up. It’s been raining for years. I keep telling myself I’m not allowed to be this downpour, this unhappy all the time. It doesn’t help. I don’t want to be brave today. I don’t want to do the work today. I don’t want to do the work today. I don’t want to do the work today. I don't want to. The only thing worth living for is the sunset. I’m letting things pile up instead of taking care of them. I want to see how high I can get. This is the terrible precipice I’ve been peering over. Everyone/ no one is worried for me. If I fall on them, I will be so heavy. And what is it if it isn’t everyone you take with you on the way down? I thought I would fall right into the sunshine. I thought I’d be covered in it. Oh my god I can’t die yet, my room isn’t clean. Look, I brushed my hair. I got dressed. See, I'm better now. See?

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Sep 23, 2019

Sep 23, 2019 at 4:51 AM UTC

Toxicology

The weatherman said it was going to rain but he didn’t mention when it would let up. It’s been raining for years. I keep telling myself I’m not allowed to be this downpour, this unhappy all the time. It doesn’t help. I don’t want to be brave today. I don’t want to do the work today. I don’t want to do the work today. I don’t want to do the work today. I don't want to. The only thing worth living for is the sunset. I’m letting things pile up instead of taking care of them. I want to see how high I can get. This is the terrible precipice I’ve been peering over. Everyone/ no one is worried for me. If I fall on them, I will be so heavy. And what is it if it isn’t everyone you take with you on the way down? I thought I would fall right into the sunshine. I thought I’d be covered in it. Oh my god I can’t die yet, my room isn’t clean. Look, I brushed my hair. I got dressed. See, I'm better now. See?

23

For some of us it was Valentine’s, for some of us it was the first day of lent. So what are you going to give up? She was sulking on the couch, he was doing coke in my living room, and there were strangers in my home, I’d let them in. I was just sipping lime and gin. They wrecked my house, and I let them. I said, I’m serious what are you going to give up? And we went around the circle, one by one: I told him to stop doing coke, I told her to stop dating older men. They both said no, they tell me to stop being a buzzkill. The room swelled. We moved downstairs and she was dancing on a pole, and he was talking business with people I didn’t know. And I was taking shots of ***** then because I wanted to feel like a swing set. I was swaying and he was holding me upright and he was placing his jacket on my shoulders, I have always been the coldest. His arms cinched around my waist and he was like a life vest. And for a moment I was above water, or at least not drowning. On the counter, there were wilting roses and chocolate covered strawberries. In the mirror the word LOVE spelled out EVOL. There was pink on all the walls, a bowl of candy hearts that said, I don’t know how to be sweet I don’t know how to be soft He was playing with my hands and tracing circles in my palms and I was letting him. I was getting drunk, and he was begging me to take another shot, and to take another shot, and to take another shot, to break my will. He found a way into my bed, he asked if he could stay and I don’t know why I let him in. He was not special and I was not that drunk anymore. It was lent and I was going to give it up, give it all away, give in. It was lent and I was going to give up.

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Mar 18, 2019

Mar 18, 2019 at 10:22 PM UTC

The Lethal Combination of Being Aromantic and a Poet on February 14th, 2018:

For some of us it was Valentine’s, for some of us it was the first day of lent. So what are you going to give up? She was sulking on the couch, he was doing coke in my living room, and there were strangers in my home, I’d let them in. I was just sipping lime and gin. They wrecked my house, and I let them. I said, I’m serious what are you going to give up? And we went around the circle, one by one: I told him to stop doing coke, I told her to stop dating older men. They both said no, they tell me to stop being a buzzkill. The room swelled. We moved downstairs and she was dancing on a pole, and he was talking business with people I didn’t know. And I was taking shots of ***** then because I wanted to feel like a swing set. I was swaying and he was holding me upright and he was placing his jacket on my shoulders, I have always been the coldest. His arms cinched around my waist and he was like a life vest. And for a moment I was above water, or at least not drowning. On the counter, there were wilting roses and chocolate covered strawberries. In the mirror the word LOVE spelled out EVOL. There was pink on all the walls, a bowl of candy hearts that said, I don’t know how to be sweet I don’t know how to be soft He was playing with my hands and tracing circles in my palms and I was letting him. I was getting drunk, and he was begging me to take another shot, and to take another shot, and to take another shot, to break my will. He found a way into my bed, he asked if he could stay and I don’t know why I let him in. He was not special and I was not that drunk anymore. It was lent and I was going to give it up, give it all away, give in. It was lent and I was going to give up.

69

So the weather eventually had to warm. The first time I wear a t-shirt in his car he is stealing side eye glances of my bare arms. He says, I like your bracelets and with his hands on the wheel nods to the one slipping down his wrist, which I gave him. And he must think he is so clever because What we are really looking at now are the pale, matching, horizontal lines going up and down our flesh. I shake my head, I change the subject. Later we are holding lighters up to dandelions and watching them burn. We are lying in a field of clovers, He moves closer. He points to the damage and asks, What happened here? He asks me like I could tell him a date, He asks me like it’s history He asks me like I might say It was the Summer of 2014 but I can’t name what battle took place. I shake my head, I change the subject. So after you pull another girl into my bedroom, after you pushed everything off of my bed and onto the floor to make room for what you’d do with her, I inspect the damage. I pull the bracelet that I gave you from the wreckage. I leave you in the window, I never see you again. I leave paper cuts on my legs in vain, I never see you again. I have scars that take the shape of your dizzy, lazy fingers tracing my limbs. I will never see you again.

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Jan 29, 2019

Jan 29, 2019 at 3:35 AM UTC

Wreckoning

So the weather eventually had to warm. The first time I wear a t-shirt in his car he is stealing side eye glances of my bare arms. He says, I like your bracelets and with his hands on the wheel nods to the one slipping down his wrist, which I gave him. And he must think he is so clever because What we are really looking at now are the pale, matching, horizontal lines going up and down our flesh. I shake my head, I change the subject. Later we are holding lighters up to dandelions and watching them burn. We are lying in a field of clovers, He moves closer. He points to the damage and asks, What happened here? He asks me like I could tell him a date, He asks me like it’s history He asks me like I might say It was the Summer of 2014 but I can’t name what battle took place. I shake my head, I change the subject. So after you pull another girl into my bedroom, after you pushed everything off of my bed and onto the floor to make room for what you’d do with her, I inspect the damage. I pull the bracelet that I gave you from the wreckage. I leave you in the window, I never see you again. I leave paper cuts on my legs in vain, I never see you again. I have scars that take the shape of your dizzy, lazy fingers tracing my limbs. I will never see you again.

33

I keep thinking about the night he sat across from me ripping into a pomegranate with his hands but I couldn’t stop seeing it as a bleeding heart. He put his lips on My lips but It just felt like he was trying to eat me.

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Jan 26, 2019

Jan 26, 2019 at 6:28 AM UTC

A Meal and the Knife that Goes With it

I keep thinking about the night he sat across from me ripping into a pomegranate with his hands but I couldn’t stop seeing it as a bleeding heart. He put his lips on My lips but It just felt like he was trying to eat me.

9

He broke the door, not my arm. I thought it'd be so much worse than a hole in the wall. I thought the Big Bad Wolf would come out and blow this House of Cards down.

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Jan 8, 2019

Jan 8, 2019 at 3:53 AM UTC

Cards

He broke the door, not my arm. I thought it'd be so much worse than a hole in the wall. I thought the Big Bad Wolf would come out and blow this House of Cards down.

5

Another day spent with my head under the covers and the kitchen is, I swear to god a mile away. Mostly I think I'm so out of it I wouldn't even deserve a participation award. Little by little becoming more passive and less aggressive. Someone says my name wrong and I don't correct them. It's a game of charades where I act out The Sadness but no one can guess what it is. I can't talk about it here. The walls are too thin. Some days the sheets are so heavy that I can't get out if bed. I just wallow in it instead. I just wallow in it instead.

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Jan 8, 2019

Jan 8, 2019 at 3:46 AM UTC

Depression Poem

Another day spent with my head under the covers and the kitchen is, I swear to god a mile away. Mostly I think I'm so out of it I wouldn't even deserve a participation award. Little by little becoming more passive and less aggressive. Someone says my name wrong and I don't correct them. It's a game of charades where I act out The Sadness but no one can guess what it is. I can't talk about it here. The walls are too thin. Some days the sheets are so heavy that I can't get out if bed. I just wallow in it instead. I just wallow in it instead.

16

She looked at me and pulled the scissors out of my hands. Her eyes drift towards my arms. She says she never trusted me with anything sharp. I have serrated edges I need someone to keep me away from high places They read my diary pages and look at me like my guts are hanging out She tells me I'm made of glass and she is getting tired of existing as an ambulance Sometimes I go out too deep I put so many holes in the ship I can't believe it didn't sink A zipper on each wrist, a body scratched like an old disk. I needed a life vest I needed bandages I needed sutures I needed stitches I wound up stranded in a doctors office where they asks how bad it hurt on a scale of 1-10 I came with THE SADNESS WAZ HERE etched into my limbs I scar like tree bark Maybe I never get better The nurses used scotch tape to put me back together

0

Jan 8, 2019

Jan 8, 2019 at 3:42 AM UTC

TW SH

She looked at me and pulled the scissors out of my hands. Her eyes drift towards my arms. She says she never trusted me with anything sharp. I have serrated edges I need someone to keep me away from high places They read my diary pages and look at me like my guts are hanging out She tells me I'm made of glass and she is getting tired of existing as an ambulance Sometimes I go out too deep I put so many holes in the ship I can't believe it didn't sink A zipper on each wrist, a body scratched like an old disk. I needed a life vest I needed bandages I needed sutures I needed stitches I wound up stranded in a doctors office where they asks how bad it hurt on a scale of 1-10 I came with THE SADNESS WAZ HERE etched into my limbs I scar like tree bark Maybe I never get better The nurses used scotch tape to put me back together

24

////////////// Thinking about it gives me lice, oh my god it bugs me. Sometimes it still feels like it might set my skin on fire, most days it just feels like a sunburn. I would love to move on but she's stuck in my head like a song.

0

Nov 5, 2018

Nov 5, 2018 at 8:11 AM UTC

I think about you all the time. Every single day. For years now.

////////////// Thinking about it gives me lice, oh my god it bugs me. Sometimes it still feels like it might set my skin on fire, most days it just feels like a sunburn. I would love to move on but she's stuck in my head like a song.

3