I am tearing every flower out from inside of myself
and replacing them with thorns.
I am feeling this fully, painfully, everything is heavy.
I am diving into the needles of this memory
and I am not coming up for air
until I have poured every drop of your name
out of my mouth.
Apr 11, 2015
Apr 11, 2015 at 11:31 PM UTC
There is so much bad out here. But there is also such beauty.
Do you feel safe? Hold on to that feeling. There are times out here when it seems impossible to find safety anywhere.
It’s nice and warm where you are. Out here it gets cold and it seeps into your blood and your bones and makes you feel like a plant withering beneath the frost.
Do you feel loved? You have no idea of all the ways in which your heart will be torn apart out here. There are disadvantages to loving too fully. There are disadvantages to feeling too deeply.
Do you have the strength to make yourself numb when the world is too jagged and sharp?
You will have to learn to find love from within before you search for it without.
It will take you a very long time, and you will put it down and walk away and misplace it sometimes.
But one day you will open your eyes and you will see light everywhere. Things were dark for so long but now there is light and there is love,
oh, my god, there is love
and there is so much to be grateful for.
I love you.
Do you love me?
Rest easy.
Sweet dreams.
Apr 4, 2015
Apr 4, 2015 at 10:47 PM UTC
tear out from inside all things sharp
tear out from inside all things that cut
tear out from inside all things that bruise
tear out from inside all things that hurt
tear out from inside all things cold
tear out from inside all things cruel
tear out from inside all things heavy
tear out from inside all things empty
tear out from inside all things buried
crumple it up
throw it down on the floor
walk away
don’t look back
escape
Mar 24, 2015
Mar 24, 2015 at 7:58 PM UTC
There is something dark lurking inside of me.
It has always been there,
waiting
to sink its claws
into anything
and everyone
that gets too close.
There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I have felt it moving in my blood
since I was very young;
even when the world was at its brightest,
I could see the clouds moving in
to cover everything in fog.
There is something dark lurking inside of me.
I tell myself I know its tricks,
I tell myself I’ve carried it long enough by now
to keep it contained,
to keep any of it from spilling out
around me
and the ones I love.
There is something dark lurking inside of me.
Some nights I lose sleep
thinking of when and how
it will resurface,
what will happen
when all of my demons
come up for air.
Mar 18, 2015
Mar 18, 2015 at 1:31 AM UTC
I lie awake some nights
I try to achieve some form of stillness
I listen so hard I swear I can hear the earth breathing
I wait for any answers
I wait for any sign of hope
I wait for some distant echo from a past or future self
What I hear is the wind at my window
What I hear is a great big nothing
What I hear is my own voice whispering something like a prayer
It’s okay
You’re okay
You can sleep.
Mar 13, 2015
Mar 13, 2015 at 12:21 AM UTC
Remember how the night was deceptively warm, and how you carried all the frost in your chest like you hadn’t spoken a word in a whole year
Remember how you drove to their house with a hurricane in your blood thinking of everything that could go wrong
Remember how you felt your knees crumble and your lungs lock up that summer night in the park behind the school
Remember how badly this ended before
Remember all the cruel hands you let touch your skin when you were grasping at anything that made you feel less alone
Remember the vulnerability
Remember the panic
Remember the feeling of an anvil on your chest
Remember the jubilance
Remember the nights when your bodies entwined on a bed made too small for two people to share
Remember the way their eyes lit up when they told you about all their favorite things
Remember how they cracked open their ribs and poured out everything collected inside
Remember how you wanted to drink their light like it was wine
Remember how you wanted to open their skull and swim inside
Remember how you would bottle sunlight for this person if you could
Remember how you you would swallow all their pain and carry all their fear if you were strong enough
Remember how you were too excited by their existence to fall asleep some nights
Remember how you fell in love like having the wind knocked out of you in the very best way
Remember all of this, every bit
Mar 8, 2015
Mar 8, 2015 at 10:07 PM UTC
You fall in love with everyone when they are talking about their favorite things
You fall in love with voices that rumble like the earth whispering all its darkest secrets
You fall in love with people who carry the moon in their chests
You fall in love with people’s scars, you dive into their stories, you memorize the maps of memories on their skin
You fall in love with the sorrow people cater to in their hearts, you wait to see how much of it spills out and where it goes afterward
You fall in love with a song you’ve heard since you were born but you never remember, you hear it humming in the blood of everyone around you
You fall in love with anyone who quotes Vonnegut and makes eye contact for so long it makes you feel uncomfortable
You fall in love with the way another person’s presence can begin to feel so much like home
You fall in love with the bits of cosmic dust connecting your veins to those of every living thing
You fall in love with the night sky and all its musings
You fall in love with absolutely everything
You surrender yourself
You shed your skin
You fall into love and let it swallow you whole
Mar 5, 2015
Mar 5, 2015 at 12:58 AM UTC
I am constantly growing. I am constantly changing. I am reaching inward and holding on tight to anything that feels right. I am tearing out from inside anything too sharp, anything that cuts for all the wrong reasons. I am scraping together all the love I can find into small orbs of light I can hold in my hands. I am raising my voice. I am lifting my hands up toward the sky and asking for more and more and all. I am vibrating with such intention and I will direct it at anything that makes the blood boil under my skin. I am here and I am awake and I am alive and I have never been so ready and so excited and so terrified.
Mar 3, 2015
Mar 3, 2015 at 10:32 PM UTC
Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to listen
to the floorboards creak
and to the ghosts
whispering all their darkest secrets
Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to seep
into the floorboards
into the foundation
into the soil
Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to fill every room
everything
everywhere
with the same light
you have poured into me
Your body is a haunted house
and I want to live inside of it
I want to stay
until we crumble
into dust
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 2:48 AM UTC
My mania tells me things and I obey
Like:
You should dye your hair three different colors in one week
Like:
You should stay up all night finger painting and call it art
Like:
You should organize your bookshelves
based on sensations instead of genre
Like:
You should give away everything you own,
you don’t need it anyway
Like:
You should text all of your exes,
ask them when the feeling faded
or if it was ever even there
Like:
You should ignore all of your phone calls
and alarm clocks
and all other sounds
that make your skin crawl
Like:
You should cover your windows with black sheets
and pretend that life is one long night
you never have to sleep through
Like:
You should distance yourself
from everyone you love
tell them you’re okay
you just have to go away
for awhile
Like:
You should tear off your layers
expose the wounds beneath
wait for the sting to turn numb again
Like:
You should shatter yourself to pieces
pretend they can be lost
and found again
Like:
You should hide anything that hurts
in the space between your ribs
forget they’re growing
forget they’re spreading
forget they’re waiting
all winter long
to bloom like flowers in the spring
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 12:28 AM UTC