lynn-dewalt
American
Who I am is a riddle I haven't learned the answer to, yet. / I have a gender, and a work history, an academic record and a shot card. / But I also have my grandmother's meatball recipe, my aunt's hair, my first love's sideways way of smirking. / Somewhere under all that, you'll find me.
Being a woman is eating poison
Every
Day
Being a woman is swallowing the things you want to say
Because you talk too much
Because it's not your turn
Because you're not qualified
Because your problems are just “your problems”
And aren't worth addressing
Being a woman is a pain in your chest
As the things you didn't say
Eat away at your heart
And make you bitter
And hard
Being a woman is being told you're hopelessly unique
And nothing you think
Or do
Or feel
Is relevant to Real People
Being a woman is knowing that you're not Real People
And you never will be
Being a woman is a thousand little abuses
Honks and unwanted touches
Men who think they own you
And the sight of your skin is worth commenting on
Or the color your hair is
Or their attraction
Or lack thereof
Being a woman is constant, invisible vigilance
Because either you hide from the danger
Or you prepare yourself for the worst
Stay inside after dark
Or ball your fists and stand up straight
Because the women who relax
Are usually okay
But when they're not...
Being a woman is having no place to go
Because the spaces are already claimed
And you have no right to them
Being a woman is making yourself small
So you don't step on toes
And hurt feelings
And make a scene
Being a woman is to be endlessly accommodating
And never having an opinion
And never opening your mouth
Giving up the last piece of whatever
For the comfort of others
Being a woman is hating everything
And screaming in your own head
And holding it in
And feeling yourself burn up inside
From the bile that you want to unleash on the world
Being a woman is being a Banshee
Because a wail lives inside you
And it is strong
And it is terrifying
And the only thing you can do
Is to hold it in
To let it rip apart your insides
So you don't tear the world apart
Sep 8, 2015
Sep 8, 2015 at 11:01 AM UTC
I love a girl with strawberry blond hair
As thin as a rail with her death laser stare
Search as I might now she just isn't there
And I just can't let go of her yet.
The noble-born rebel in armor and lace
A leader and firebrand none could replace
Who met her own god and then spat in his face
And I just can't let go of her yet.
The belle of the ball with a fresh broken bone
Who conquered the world and turned down the throne
Whose words were electric and breath was my own
And I just can't let go of her yet.
She swore like a sailor, her moods were extreme
The most caring and vicious that I've ever seen
She's fading away like a midsummer's dream
And I just can't let go of her yet.
Nothing I build now can capture her whole
No grave holds her body, no statue her soul
She's gone away somewhere that I can't control
And I just can't let go of her yet.
I know the secrets she held in her heart
Know all the demons that tore her apart
I know she was doomed to this right from the start
And I just can't let go of her yet.
So ready to die for the love of her land
First breath and last in the palm of my hand
She never was real and I can't understand
Why I just can't let go of her yet.
Oct 18, 2014
Oct 18, 2014 at 10:06 PM UTC
**** off
Go away
No one ever liked you
No, not even me
I don't know why I put up with you for so long.
Don't pretend you didn't see this coming
I never mattered to you, either
Just a safe place to hide
From the cold
You didn't even ask to be let in.
I should have listened to my friends
When they said you were no good
But I was too proud
And too dumb
And too trusting.
So I let things slide
And I hoped that you'd get better
That if I was patient
And kind
Things would resolve themselves.
I was only a kid.
I remember that night,
The light by my bedstand
When I finally had enough
And tried to make you leave
And found it hurt too much.
I was ashamed
Of myself
Of you
Of the pain
So I hid it, pretended it didn't matter.
And you dug your ******* heels in
******* that you are
Wheedling your way into my life
And my body
Like it's a thing you already own
No more of this ********
I will boil you in acid
And I will drag you out by force
I'll cut you down
And throw you out
With the rest of the morning garbage
And it will hurt,
I know it hurts
And this hole you leave in me
May never, ever heal
I just have to hope it will.
Because I'd rather spend my life
Walking around
With a ******* hole in my foot
Than spend one more minute
With you.
Oct 16, 2012
Oct 16, 2012 at 1:06 PM UTC
Caffeine, sugar, dairy fat
Chemicals made in a vat
Hold the threat of sleep at bay
Keep me sane for one more day
Mar 31, 2012
Mar 31, 2012 at 9:58 AM UTC
Once, an old man told me he had learned the meaning of life.
I told him I didn't want to know.
It should really haunt me to this day that I never heard his solution,
but he was kinda a ******
And fat.
Mar 30, 2012
Mar 30, 2012 at 1:30 PM UTC
A twitch
repeating erratically
somewhere in the recesses of my lower abdomen.
shifting waistband doesn't help
Did I put on weight this month?
Are my **** getting bigger?
(No, no they're not, you vain little peacock.)
I don't feel bad
or heavy
or strange.
And I've been good about the pill.
It must just be gas.
Thump.
Mar 30, 2012
Mar 30, 2012 at 1:23 PM UTC