My apology is not enough
To start to fix what I have broken -
Every word poured out in love
Is coated with a silent poison.
I must admit my mind is flawed,
My shame is proof enough of this.
I walk full stride towards the jaws
Of death, I’m welcomed with a kiss.
I clothe myself in lengths of rope,
A knotted stomach’s shrine on show.
With sweet relief in morbid hope
Weeds are rid and flowers grow.
The blame is only mine to take,
Loving me, your one mistake.
Apr 8, 2019
Apr 8, 2019 at 7:21 PM UTC
My anxiety rocks me in its arms
And suddenly I'm a child again
My head buried in its chest
So I don't have to face the world
It sings me twisted lullabies
Breathes out carbon monoxide fumes scented sickly sweet
Closing my eyes gently and watching me fade away
It pulls me close
And gives me the illusion of security
It holds me tight and tells me I'm better off alone
Because I'm not worth the affection of anyone else
Its voice resonates like wind chimes in an evening breeze
It won't let me get hurt
It won't let me leave
It keeps me here, a china doll
Fragile and hollow inside
A shell of the person I once was
A painted on smile
I stop trying to leave
I always end up back here when I do
I think I secretly like it
Watching my life spiral out of control
In the safety of anxiety’s arms
Jul 13, 2018
Jul 13, 2018 at 6:30 AM UTC
It’s not through any fault of yours
That I cannot share with you my pain
Or force myself to my knees in prayer.
The cross I bear is all my own -
I bite down on my crown of thorns.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.
In the pulpit the priest tells of freedom
With faith that perfection awaits.
Yet, I confess, church bricks crumble around me.
Smothering those who hope for something more.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.
I cry out at the altar,
But only echoes return,
Misplaced anger is given new purpose, Punishment is due.
Your mercies are new every morning,
But I’m stuck in perpetual nightfall.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.
Altar wine stains my lips red,
Stale bread sticks at the back of my throat.
Its appeal has been lost, but still I swallow.
And the pit in my stomach is not yet filled.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.
Dust settles in my corners
And I’ve fallen into disrepair.
Morning bells have long since stopped ringing,
You turned a blind eye and I closed both of mine.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.
I collect shards of steel,
But in candlelight the blades glitter golden.
Flames lick the razor edge
Forging currency to buy my escape.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.
My lover calls me from the dark,
Beckoning me to his bed of earth.
I flirt with death ‘til I’m wrapped in his arms
But my outstretched fingers are reaching for you.
Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned.
Jul 12, 2018
Jul 12, 2018 at 8:19 PM UTC
I went for years accepting you as truth.
My conscience never was my own to keep.
Your promises only ever cut skin deep,
You took my mind and stole from me my youth.
Your words are weapons only when it suits,
Demand I jump and watch me as I leap.
You never try to practice what you preach -
You sing of love then aim your gun and shoot.
Daily prayers begged fruitlessly for mercy,
My sins too heavy for my soul to bear,
Forgiveness only temporary relief.
I believed that I was never worthy.
In truth, were you ever really there?
My life was spent just chasing false beliefs.
May 22, 2018
May 22, 2018 at 8:16 PM UTC
_1 - The action of killing oneself intentionally_
And every moment that I spend thinking about it
The more scared I become of my own power
To take
To stop
To cease to exist
New lives begin
Every second
I’m not exactly
A great loss
_2 - A course of action which is disastrously damaging to oneself or one's interests_
My whole life has been
Suicide
So carefully planned out
The most elaborate note
In every pen stroke
In drawings aged 5
Red marker symbolic
Of the future
I had barely begun
A self destructive path
Had been forged
Long before
I could even hold a pen
_3 - A running drill consisting of a sprint to a set point and back to the start, immediately followed by additional sprints of lengthening distances._
After a sprint
Your muscles give up
I think
I must
Be more unfit
Than most
May 19, 2018
May 19, 2018 at 7:42 AM UTC
Mapped out in silver pen,
The weight of the universe inscribed on my skin.
I trace the path of the Milky Way,
Biding my time
Until I dissolve amongst the stars.
May 10, 2018
May 10, 2018 at 3:13 PM UTC
I have never loved out loud.
Afraid that I will speak into existence
All of my fears,
And shatter the reflection I've come to know.
These words, caught on my tongue,
Could tear every stitch I have woven into this tapestry
With such pinpoint precision.
You could unravel me with your breath.
My lips flint and steel, your gaze a catalyst
For my words:
My body is a temple in flames,
I am the arsonist.
A guiding hand may slip:
Armed with a chisel, you could
Destroy this person I have sculpted from the ashes
Which land like snowflakes on my skin.
My God,
I have never felt this way before -
A violent, all-consuming fire.
Extinguish me, leave me in ruins.
The brush of a hand could set you alight.
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 5:11 PM UTC
Hush now, close your eyes,
I will sing you to sleep.
I’ll bandage every self-inflicted wound
And wipe your tears away,
Until you blossom in the spring:
When the needles of frost on your skin melt,
And you can breathe again.
And still, here I’ll stand,
With my arms open wide -
Come, take refuge in me.
Seasons wax and wane and soon
The winter will return,
But my heart can beat for the both of us.
My blood can keep the cold at bay.
Your love is fragile,
Irreparably damaged. Those icy shards
Tore what was left of you to shreds.
So I’ll swap your broken heart for mine.
I’ll offer you my all, bloodied hands outstretched.
My body will fall limp for you, and
In saving your life, I will bleed out.
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 3:46 PM UTC