I am in constant need of supervision. Self destructive tendencies and little, if any, self control are a concoction that can **** I think this is why I believed in God for so long. I needed someone to watch me. Somedays I needed that injection on guilt at the base of my spine. Feeling the guilt spread over me was my classical conditioning. I remembered how guilt feels like sludge moving slowly through my tiny veins and I adjust. I stopped believing in God, but the guilt stayed. Beliefs are easily discarded where conditioning is, well, it's still here.
Jun 12, 2014
Jun 12, 2014 at 11:39 AM UTC
Sorry I made you feel small.
I was tiny and scared.
And I wanted your company.
Jun 3, 2014
Jun 3, 2014 at 7:21 PM UTC
I've always lied to you.
Don't expect me to stop now.
Jun 3, 2014
Jun 3, 2014 at 7:17 PM UTC
I didn't know what heavy was until we sat on my back porch and swapped painful memories like Pokemon cards.
I didn't know I would like rain until you poured your heart into my hands as the storm hit.
I didn't know you until I lost you, but I still like the heavy feeling I get when the rain hits the top of head.
Jun 3, 2014
Jun 3, 2014 at 6:39 PM UTC
Show me someone who can hold all I pretend to be in their right hand and all I am in my left.
Show me something unconditional. Anything.
Jun 3, 2014
Jun 3, 2014 at 6:24 PM UTC
I gave the ocean eyes so she could see how beautiful she was.
She hasn't stopped crying.
Feb 14, 2014
Feb 14, 2014 at 6:06 PM UTC
I burnt myself loving you.
Small burns on the tips of my fingers
where I traced the crook of your arm.
Deep burns on the top of my thigh
where you used to settle the shakes.
Ripples of blisters on my cheek
where you found an eyelash and told me to make a wish.
Red and swollen lips
where you kissed me awake.
The worst of it is my charred insides
where you left me empty.
Leathered and black with no pain.
Nerves dead leaving my stomach numb
to the butterflies the next one should have given me.
Desensitized to my surroundings for good.
Burns leave scars.
Feb 14, 2014
Feb 14, 2014 at 3:49 PM UTC
I remember having the summer to forget
I remember leaving before I was left
I remember conflicting thoughts about taking you home
I remember pretending to be drunk
I remember kissing your best friend
I remember pretending I didn't hear
I remember acting like I didn't want you
I remember saying it was nothing
I remember telling her to go for you
I remember wanting to win you
I remember not feeling attractive enough
I remember stopping when you said you wanted me
I remember pretending I didn't get the next 7 texts
I remember pretending I lived closer to you
I remember pretending it was me in the picture
I remember pretending I liked what you told me
I remember pretending not to like you
I remember dreaming about your touch
I remember losing the ability to speak
I pretend not to like you
I dream of you holding me
I lose my words around you
Jan 12, 2014
Jan 12, 2014 at 9:28 PM UTC
Sorry for being alive in a time where my spirit doesn't fit in the standard shipping box.
Sorry for liking how all the changes felt.
Sorry for crying on the drive home.
Sorry for turning left instead of right.
Sorry for liking the way it felt to go in the wrong direction.
Sorry for singing along to your favorite song with all the wrong words.
Sorry for counting to 4 before kissing you.
Sorry for whispering sweet nothings into my pillow instead of your ear.
Sorry for kissing the air with conviction, but you with hesitation.
Sorry for wanting us more than you.
Sorry... I tried.
Jan 12, 2014
Jan 12, 2014 at 9:13 PM UTC