I wonder if people are scared like I am.
My teenage years were rough, even though I was a teenager only 6 months ago,
I miss those years because, I was so fearless.
I wasn't scared of anything but, being heartbroken.
I can't even go to sleep because, I'm so scared I won't wake up.
I'm in physical pain everyday, and the pain and constant anxiety is taking a toll on me.
When I first turned 13 I started cutting myself.
I've attempted suicide multiple times between 13 and 16.
Bottles of pills, self harming.
Now at 20 years old,
I'm so terrified to leave this earth.
Is there an after life?
Is there a heaven?
Is reincarnation real?
Do we see our loved ones who have passed away before us?
I have so many questions, but I am so scared to find out.
I wanna live the rest of my life happy and care free, because the constant worry and fear is taking over my life, and I don't want to let it.
Apr 3, 2018
Apr 3, 2018 at 7:44 PM UTC
I was drowning.
I was suffocating.
I was trapped.
After he died, I lost all hope.
I lost all strength.
I lost every care I had ever developed.
I had gained weakness.
I had gained prostration.
I had inhaled and swallowed
way too many substances to destroy my
emotional and mental pain.
For some time,
I avoided the torment.
You would have never guessed I was
suffering inside.
Then one day,
I got too high on what was supposed to
make my feelings disappear,
and I started feeling
everything at once.
I was overwhelmed,
I was controlled,
I was drowning,
I was suffocating,
I was trapped.
5 hours of endless tears,
and a shaking body.
I was gripping my sheets
in the most non-pleasurable way possible.
I was staring at his picture on my phone
the entire time as I was reaching out for him, but
could no longer feel his touch.
The toll his absence had on me
was immense.
I could no longer control
any type of feeling I possibly
could have had,
and that was my fault for trying to numb all the pain.
It was the reason he got taken away from me,
fault.
Now instead of trying to get rid of the pain
for however much amount of time
in an unhealthy way,
I try to avoid it naturally.
Even a natural, healthy way will never help stop feeling.
I have to deal with the unbearable amount of pain,
and that's just the way it is.
Mar 31, 2018
Mar 31, 2018 at 8:36 PM UTC
March 16, 2018 / 11:01pm
When someone is
brighter
than the
sun
and
stars,
you don't even
look at the
sky as much
anymore.
Unless,
there's a
sunset,
then you
want to
share the
aesthetically pleasing beauty
with them.
When
you guys enjoy
your
favorite foods
together,
you'll never
want to
eat it
alone
ever again.
When
you're in a
Queen sized bed
holding each other's
bare skinned
bodies
under the
warmest blankets
shared with
body heat and undying love,
when they're
absent,
you'd rather
sleep
on the
hardwood floor
shivering.
When the
sound
of their
laugh
is the
greatest vibration
that travels
through the air,
you'll never
want to
make contact
with another
individual
as long as your
life continues.
When you're
attracted and attached,
you will never
lay eyes
on
anyone
like you do
when you're
appreciating
their
existence.
When
you're so scared
to lose
someone,
you'll show their
mom
a substantial amount
of love,
for being the cause
of you being
so lucky
for having
them in
your life.
When you've
opened up
your past
to that
special human,
and they have
opened their ears
to all your
ashamed
secrets,
mistakes,
and struggles,
you'll never even
think about
having another
friend.
When
they've ripped
your clothes
off your body
and have
witnessed
every
raw feature
of your skin,
you'll never show
your insecurities to
another
set of eyes.
When you split
an
extensive amount
of
compassion,
and practically
tear out
your hearts
full of all the
love
you have to offer,
and
gently
but,
without hesitation,
put it in each other's
bare hands,
it will
forever
be their
treasure to hold.
"I love you"
in the sound
of their
addicting voice
will forever be
what you
hope to hear
every time
they
open their mouth.
No matter what
location
you stand in
or however
long or short
you're apart,
their arms
are where
you'll want to be.
Their
private parts,
which you're the only
VIP member to,
is what you will crave
in your aching bones.
Their deep affection
will be
your drug
and not
endless amounts
of
rehab
will ever help you
stop using.
Every flaw
they admit to having
will be
invisible
to your vision.
Every breath
they take
will be
your reason
to fight through
every obstacle
you stumble upon.
They'll be your
oxygen
and
every beat of your heart.
They'll be your
everything
the other and better
half of you.
A.R
Mar 30, 2018
Mar 30, 2018 at 1:35 PM UTC
3/27/2018 - 2:27am
It’s tough, you know.
When it’s 2am,
and you’ve
finally
decided
to try and get some sleep.
Then, your fear comes
in this giant wave
like you’re the shore
it’s crashing into.
It’s tough,
when you’re out shopping
for house necessities
and, your chest is
so tight,
and your hands
are trembling
because, anxiety
is so god ****
controlling,
and you have to
act like you’re totally
okay every time
you walk past
another human being
acting like
they’re totally okay.
None of us
are ever totally okay.
All of us
struggle in
personal battles
everyday.
Some
worse than others,
but for all,
it’s tough.
A.R
Mar 30, 2018
Mar 30, 2018 at 1:31 PM UTC
Kiss me goodnight
with your
soft, addicting
lips.
Caress my hand
with your thumb
while the rest
of our fingers
are intertwined
and holding
tightly
like our hands
are sewed together
and we’ll never be able to
let go.
Forget the blankets,
and let’s enjoy
the warmth from
our bodies
pressing up against
each other’s
smooth skin.
Let’s lay in the dark
at 1am,
and tell each other
all the skeletons we have
in the closet.
Or why
your parents
aren’t together anymore,
what
your biggest fear is,
or about a night
you drank yourself into
oblivion.
Tell me all the
crazy stories
about you
and
your childhood best friend
causing chaos.
Hold me tighter
in your arms
as our talking ends,
and
I’ll fall asleep
to you
gently playing
with my hair.
Kiss me goodmorning
with your
soft, addicting
lips.
Tell me how beautiful
my eyes look
in the sunlight
beaming through
the window.
Lay with me,
for a few
more moments
so I don’t have to
leave
your arms
that never stopped
holding me
through the night.
Laugh with me,
so I can get
addicted
to a sound
I’ll never get
sick of hearing.
Let the words
“I love you”
pour out of your
mouth,
like the waterfall
that pours
out of me
when you
make me
reach my ******
Have me
get attached
to every part of you.
Love me,
and
never step away.
A.R
Mar 30, 2018
Mar 30, 2018 at 1:28 PM UTC