It’s just easy for them
Isn’t it?
This couple on the train.
They walked on laughing together
Holding hands
And I felt that familiar something-
Not jealousy
Not envy
But...
Chagrin.
Astonishment.
Incredulity.
Incomprehension.
Looking at them feels like looking at one of those
Impossible pictures
Where the stairs keep going forever in a loop.
It’s just
Easy for them.
It doesn’t hurt anymore, that thought,
But thinking it feels so odd in my mind
When I can’t imagine loving someone without
Shame,
Without pain.
They fit.
These people,
They fit without having to carve anything out.
They fit without punishing each other.
They fit like puzzle pieces cut from the same board-
No worries, they just go together, and that
Is that.
They fit like
“Of course.”
Like breathing.
Neatly.
Simply.
Carelessly.
I can’t imagine what it’s like
I can’t comprehend it-
To fit
Somewhere
Much less to fit somewhere
With someone.
I am always trying to corset myself into this world,
Lungs burning,
Trying to remain small enough to squeeze by
Catching myself by the wrist to keep from reaching
For anything.
And if there seems to be a spot where I might be able to exist as I am
It is always
Occupied.
Like a shiny pinprick
That thought hurts-
Not like the others it is newly cut
And still ******
The idea that maybe there is a home for me
And that maybe I was too late for it.
They’re laughing.
He says something clever,
Passes a hand along the small of her back
And she leans into it,
Smiling because she loves that he wants to touch her innocently.
They seem to exist behind glass.
Not for the first time I wonder
If I could just slip into that life
Like a drop into an ocean
I want it badly
I want it stupidly
And I examine all the parts of myself,
All the edges and cracks,
All the things I’ve worked so hard to protect and repair.
It is not a welcome sight-
I am not a home
I am like an old ruin
Full of murmurings and cold spots
Full of dusty sunlight.
I sigh,
Knowing the secret I keep so poorly-
That if I really had a choice to be otherwise
I would have already made it.
I couldn’t reach them if I ran for a thousand years,
They are too far away.
They walk off the train, arms linked
Talking about nothing
And I watch them go
Like a hallucination,
Like a mirage in the desert.
Her perfume smells like forgetfulness
And it lingers.
Oct 30, 2018
Oct 30, 2018 at 6:18 PM UTC
Look around you
not with your eyes
but your heart.
Look beyond beauty
in sad and shy faces.
And then imagine
how they could blossom
if truly loved.
Aug 29, 2018
Aug 29, 2018 at 1:42 PM UTC
I do not know the feeling of popularity,
nor the feeling of being hated by all.
I'm just in the middle.
I'm me
Aug 29, 2018
Aug 29, 2018 at 1:29 PM UTC
Is It okay to think for myself?
Is it okay to be who i want?
Is it okay to choose my own book of the shelf?
But i'm guessing that i can't
Because you've taught me how to think
Not for myself but for you
You've taught me who i am
Not me but you
You've told me creativity is good
But then showed me what i did wrong
You've told me to think for myself
Then gave me a topic to follow
You told me to think outside the box
Then gave me a rubric so hollow
Aug 29, 2018
Aug 29, 2018 at 1:25 PM UTC
Cuddle in my arms, you are.
We just enjoying quiet time together.
Relaxing on the couch in the dark with a single candle burning.
Just reflecting back on our relationship.
Like when we first met.
It's been a worthy experience.
One I wouldn't trade for anything.
I remember our first kiss.
It's simply hard to forget.
It was sincere.
It was passionate.
Just like the one I've just given you.
I remember our walks in the park.
Those self made dinners we had.
Those was good times.
Just like those we are creating now.
As we are just cuddling in the dark.
Reflecting back.
Aug 10, 2018
Aug 10, 2018 at 5:07 PM UTC
the world relentlessly confuses
Tragedy with Art.
We commercialize anxiety
and weigh the profit margin after the cost of therapy.
So that we can play again
and repeat.
So that we can feel whole.
Understood.
Real.
On the backbone of another's suffering.
On the bloodied palms of a fist held too tight.
On the dry cheeks of a face ravaged by tears.
We hold onto this pain.
We publicize it.
Push it like crack in the streets.
people mistake our breaks in reality
For redemption.
Corrosive acid.
that you can hold in your hand.
Jul 12, 2018
Jul 12, 2018 at 2:20 PM UTC
Only one type of ****** is illegal to show,
and wearing a skirt is an excuse for ****
Having two X chromosomes somehow makes my life less important
than someone with an X and Y.
I am taught how to use makeup,
and told it is to attract men.
I am showed how to shave my legs,
and told that having underarm stubble makes me less of a women.
I am told that supporting feminism,
means I hate men when all I want is to be equal to them.
Jun 1, 2018
Jun 1, 2018 at 7:20 AM UTC
They tell me to speak louder
but I can't.
Because the thoughts in my head are too loud to be overpowered
by simply increasing my volume
Because I know that if I do speak louder
I won't stop
I am going to keep trying to overthrow the prisoners attempting to break free of the cage that is my skull
May 31, 2018
May 31, 2018 at 9:10 AM UTC
And you,
you are gold dust,
scattered perfectly,
Between the seams
of my existence,
And you sparkle and shine,
withstand the tests of time,
As you listen and remind me,
Your love is irrevocable,
Unstoppable,
And i,
I am incapable,
to withhold, your insatiable,
burning light,
you put the stars to shame
And the world to rights
As you glitter and i hold you tight,
In fright of you slipping through the cracks,
In my heart,
Where others have took pieces,
Left their mark.
And you, you take these
frayed seams,
These broken dreams and sow
Together something unbelievable,
Inconceivable.
And i hold you in my hands,
sifting the idea,
of no expectations or demands.
You form a safe landing,
With you i am standing,
on the edges of the shore,
Always left wanting more,
and your eyes they soar,
through my veins,
as you demolish the remains
of my past,
And i pray, this isn't too good to be true,
I pray this will last.
And you free me,
Your understanding, your loyalty,
allow me to be, all i can be.
And you,
You tell me Im a beauty,
But all that i am,
Darling,
I owe to thee.
May 31, 2018
May 31, 2018 at 8:32 AM UTC
I wish it were for attention
or an accident
or a phase.
It would be easier that way.
Maybe then
I wouldn't be scared
to love what I love
Who I love.
Her.
You are reading this
as I am navigating
my life and
my newly discovered
what has always been.
Trust me.
I'd much rather hide
behind her hair
and in my room
tucked away
alone, together.
But my heart yearns
to scream at the top of
my lungs
that I love her.
And to say,
**** the World
and whoever is not ready
for Us.
That
would be attention.
And I don't mind.
May 31, 2018
May 31, 2018 at 8:32 AM UTC