What am I playing at?
Why am I even here?
I thought going to church again and being in God’s “presence” would bring me relief or at least break the dam so I could express this intense sadness by crying like it used to…
Nothing.
What’s the point if I can’t even get comfort from God anymore?
What’s left to fight for, to hope for?
I felt drawn to visit the river. Maybe it’d be a good place to cry… But now it just feels like I’m dancing with the devil.
The thought of jumping in and letting the cold water carry me away seems so **** tempting.
And it scares me so much.
I should get up and walk back up the hill, but my limbs feel both powerless and not mine.
**** depression.
**** sadness and pain.
**** the tears that won’t fall.
**** death and **** living.
I shouldn’t have come.
I shouldn’t be here.
Oct 7, 2017
Oct 7, 2017 at 8:04 PM UTC
You hear my every thought,
My every prayer,
My every cry of anguish-
Or so I have always believed.
You are a God of justice,
And mercy,
And love.
You promise me rest from
This world's burdens.
Yet this is denied to me.
I asked for light in the darkness,
Pleaded for peace in chaos,
Wept for an end to this unbearable pain.
On my knees, tears streaming, I entreated;
*"Bring me home, Lord.
I am too exhausted to fight this endless war.
Please, I want to come home!"*
And I heard a whisper;
**Not yet.
It is not your time,
There is still far more I have in mind
For you.
You cannot see it now,
But there are blessings to come
Far greater than you can dream.**
And with this frail hope
I trudged through
Week by week,
Taking it a day at a time,
Sometimes surviving only hour to hour.
And here I am once again,
Agony enveloping my heart.
Salt water stinging my eyes,
My body wracked with sobs,
Choking back screams.
You are the God of justice,
And mercy,
And love.
You promise me rest from,
This world's burdens.
Yet you curse me with this affliction,
Disguised in a strong embrace,
A heart-melting smile,
Warm, brown eyes,
Three, single syllable words.
I love you
I shake uncontrollably.
I desperately gulp for air.
I can't think
Over the clamor
Of my own heartbeat.
I am not here,
This is not happening,
This is not my life.
*Can you say it back?
It would mean a lot to me...
I know you do...*
My thoughts roar with the words,
My heart beats to their rhythm,
My soul sings their melody,
Every fiber of my being screams it.
You are God of justice,
And mercy,
And love.
You promise me rest from
This world's burdens.
I am sure that You love me, Lord,
With all that You are,
Yet I cannot fathom
How this man holding me
Could even begin to love me
When I can't even love myself.
*Why me? Why love me?
How could you possibly love me?
You deserve someone better,
Someone good,
Someone beautiful,
Someone whole.*
Lord;
If You are justice,
Then why give me this punishment?
If You are mercy,
Then why am I captive to my past?
If You are love,
Then why am I so terrified of being loved?
If You promise me rest from
This world's burdens,
Then why can't I let myself be happy?
You hear my every thought,
My every prayer,
My every cry of anguish.
So I desperately fall to my knees again,
And throw myself completely into You,
Praying that someday You give me the strength
To make myself weak
And say to him
Three, single syllable words.
I love you
Mar 27, 2017
Mar 27, 2017 at 7:56 PM UTC
I am drowning.
My eyes sting
From the salt water.
My chest burns
As if my lungs were
Screaming for air.
Like the fingers of fog
Caressing the water,
So too are my thoughts as they
Obscure my point of direction.
Memories invade my senses;
*A voice rich with affection
A warm embrace
A tired smile*
All that could have been;
*A heart-wrenching smile
A loving embrace
A voice of what-ifs*
And it's then I realize,
It's not the salt of the ocean
Stinging my eyes,
But of tears.
I am drowning in a sea of
My own anguish,
As waves of pain wrack my body,
Pulling me further
From a once certain future.
Mar 5, 2017
Mar 5, 2017 at 12:59 AM UTC
your Music invades my weary Soul
filling e'ry Fibre of me
gently, sweetly caressing.
my Spirit awakens
and my Heart cries out
where have you been
all my Life,
O Dear
One!
Oct 1, 2016
Oct 1, 2016 at 11:10 PM UTC
As subtle as a gentle wind,
It creeps into your mind.
Futilely you resist...
It takes root deep within the recesses of your heart
And most days you don't remember it's invasion;
Lulled into a false sense of security...
By and by you are engulfed.
Twisting
Jerking
Thrashing
Constricting
Defeat
Languidly
Mockingly
It fondly caresses you
A sickening farewell...
And here I am
Alone
Left to pick up the pieces
Again
Oct 24, 2013
Oct 24, 2013 at 11:23 AM UTC
Blood red lips
Flaxen locks
Sea blue eyes
Delicate hands
Showing her nerves
Clasped, then released
Flawless ivory skin
Conceals a marred soul,
Billows of remorse
Windows to her grave thoughts
Tainted with dark secrets
That she will never tell.
May 20, 2013
May 20, 2013 at 10:14 AM UTC
On our last day, I said that it wasn't goodbye.
I realize now that it was a futile attempt to retain hope...
The hope I'd see your smile again,
The way it lights up your face
And I can't help but return the gift.
The hope I'd hear your voice again,
The voice that makes my heart want to melt,
It puts me both at ease and sets my pulse racing.
The hope I'd be able to gaze
Into those mysterious blue orbs
And not be afraid of the future.
The hope I'd call you darling,
Just as I have in all my dreams.
The hope I'd finally confess the words
That have swirled in both my mind and heart
Since we first met.
The hope you'd hold me in your arms,
Making up for all tears and lost time.
May 15, 2013
May 15, 2013 at 9:18 AM UTC
I search every crowd
For your face, but it's futile
For it won't be found
May 15, 2013
May 15, 2013 at 8:55 AM UTC
In eyes, tears sparkle
Like early morning dewdrops,
Making pain beauty.
May 15, 2013
May 15, 2013 at 6:53 AM UTC
Your scent envelops
Me as I desperately
Cling to the pillows.
May 1, 2013
May 1, 2013 at 2:17 PM UTC