We've decided we're waiting.
You shouldn't have given me a time frame because now I'm going to count down the days. These weeks will be spent trying not to think about being with you.
Still,
I can't get those memories out of my head.
Our arms brushing against each other as we browse stores.
Your arm around my waist.
Spending an entire afternoon together wordless.
Your hand on the waistband of my jeans.
The feeling of your moans in my mouth.
One last kiss before we get out of bed.
Your hand grabbing mine as we walk to your car.
We've gone two months without seeing each other. This shouldn't be any different, but it is. Then, we were expecting to see each other.
Now, we have a rough deadline.
You could have left it open-ended, and I would have moved on.
All I have to hold on to is today.
The feeling of you on the opposite end of the couch and how immense the space in between us felt.
The lack of eye contact.
Your loss for words.
Our agreement of terms.
Some light banter.
Me catching your gaze for a few fleeting seconds.
Me trying my hardest to resist the urge to kiss you.
The walk to your car.
Your strong embrace before you got into your car.
Me resisting the urge to turn around
and watch you leave.
Jan 26, 2019
Jan 26, 2019 at 12:05 AM UTC
I drank a lot of *****
I don't feel as bad
because it's in a fancy glass
and it looks like wine
when it's mixed with cranberry juice,
but I drank a lot of *****
Oct 13, 2018
Oct 13, 2018 at 10:39 PM UTC
If I had a dollar for every time they said no to me,
I could actually afford this ****** education.
"Has anyone ever told you that you couldn't do it?"
Well, no;
not directly.
But they don't need to say it.
I hear it every time they say no.
They've stopped even telling me no.
They simply shut me down waiting for me to find out from some secondary source.
Why should I believe in myself?
It leads nowhere.
What does believing in myself get me besides disappointment?
All it does it give me hope when I have nothing to hope for.
They don't say it out loud;
They leave a paper trail.
Apr 26, 2018
Apr 26, 2018 at 10:53 PM UTC
It's happening again.
My voice is gone.
My eyes feel too big for my skull.
I open my mouth and all I can manage is a whisper.
My throat is too tight.
I try to push through, but I fall deeper than before.
If I don't try, I can't fail.
Aug 18, 2017
Aug 18, 2017 at 12:45 PM UTC
I'm afraid.
Afraid of these feelings that are starting to surface.
Whenever I've let them out before,
I've been left with them dragging behind me,
slowly being ripped to pieces.
If they don't exist,
You'll stay around.
I ruin everything by having feelings.
Feelings can't get hurt if they don't exist.
It can't hurt if you feel nothing at all.
Aug 2, 2017
Aug 2, 2017 at 11:02 AM UTC
A different person, but the same thing.
He's not you, but you aren't either.
It's not his fault;
The disappointment nor the hurt.
The memories aren't his either.
All of this has a hint of you in it,
But that's not you anymore.
At least, I hope not.
The feeling has moved to another person,
And all I want is to see you.
Jul 21, 2017
Jul 21, 2017 at 12:47 PM UTC
I'm sitting here talking to someone who isn't you thinking of that night in your car.
You glanced over at me gazing at the sky above reuniting with music I had forgotten about.
I wasn't paying much attention, but I still remember your words,
"Happy looks good on you"
Jul 19, 2017
Jul 19, 2017 at 1:32 AM UTC
I’m sad because you aren’t here.
I’m sad because you’re supposed to be my friend.
I’m sad because you cancel all our plans.
I’m sad because you don’t talk to me.
I’m sad because you don’t look at me when I’m there.
I’m sad because they all tell me to give up on you.
I’m sad because they tell me I don’t deserve this.
I’m sad because they tell me I can do better.
I’m sad because I can’t let go.
I’m sad because you make me happy.
I’m sad because you aren’t there.
I’m sad because I can’t believe your promises.
I’m sad because I’m left behind.
I’m sad because you make me sad.
Jul 17, 2017
Jul 17, 2017 at 1:31 PM UTC
Help.
I feel like I can’t breathe. If I move, I will shatter. The world will come crashing down. He brought it all back. I don’t want to remember, but it’s all still here. Why did he have to say that? Am I being followed? The walls are crumbling. I am crumbling. My safety has been compromised. This sanctuary I have built has been tainted. Turn off the lights. That is the only way to hide. Hush. Don’t say a peep or you will never stop talking. Let their shadows slip by as you pull yourself inwards. Why did I let him in? Stupid girl, keep your walls guarded at all costs. The nicest face can have the darkest soul.
Help me.
Can I tell you what happened? Not just today, but years ago? Will you help me or will you leave me there stranded on the rooftop to scream for help? I want to disappear. I wish I could fade into the landscape. My body will turn to dust, and I will float away with the wind. Please don’t leave me here. Stay here with me. Make me feel safe again.
Jul 14, 2017
Jul 14, 2017 at 12:24 PM UTC
Not once did I say I love you.
Not to them.
Not to you.
Not to myself.
But if it wasn’t love,
How can these feelings linger for so long?
Is it the fact that you were never mine?
Well, not mine in the normal sense.
You were my best friend.
Sometimes,
I think my letter is what made you leave,
But that can’t be true.
You left long before I even wrote the letter.
There were letters before that.
I wrote them late at night
When I couldn’t get you out of my head.
Those letters never met paper.
They all sit on my computer
And in my heart.
The letters that begged you to stay.
I wrote that you should go,
But you would know to stay.
The letters that told you I was lost.
I wrote that I was fine without you,
But you would know I am crumbling.
Maybe it’s because you know me so well.
You know me better than I know myself.
Maybe it’s because not only do you know me,
But I know you
Better than you would ever admit.
Is that why you cut me off?
You don’t want me to know you anymore,
Or do you not want to know me?
Or, maybe,
You already know how much you hurt me,
Without me ever saying a word.
I don’t want to believe it was love,
So I’m never going to say I loved you.
Not to them.
Not to you.
Never to myself.
Jul 13, 2017
Jul 13, 2017 at 12:09 PM UTC