We used to eat zucchini
fried and hot
with ranch from the packet.
I know that now.
I learned to eat the smallest ones first
because they wouldn't burn my mouth
The large ones burned like nothing I remembered before
I opened my mouth and blew out.
I think you taught me that.
We were at a park then
I think there was a bench at the top of a hill
It had a path up to it,
Packed earth or stone...
It was a dream till now.
We ate but it was late
there wasn't much time to play
I asked you something hard, maybe about mom
I think it was about you
I don't know what you said
but it wasn't satisfying.
I thought that day was a dream, for years.
May 17, 2014
May 17, 2014 at 9:38 PM UTC
We used to spend time together,
sitting in your old green beater,
eating ice cream in the park 3 6
I remember you never understanding
my preference for bubblegum and mint flavors over chocolate.
I'd squeeze through this hole in the chain link fence
you would climb it.
I wasn't afraid of getting caught
I knew you would take charge.
And we never did. 3 6
We would sit at the top of the canal
you would skip rocks.
I could never get the angle right.
I thought that you were so amazing. I loved you.
Surfing was wonderful
I remember loving the feel of the board beneath me
and the water touching my legs
and the smell of it all, 3 5
but I mostly remember how special I felt that you took me with you.
I loved you.
The duck pond by my grandmother's house that we would spend hours together,
feeding the ducks cheap bread and jumping from stone to stone.
You fought off the aggressive geese 4 6
I swung myself on the swings while you watched
sometimes you would push me and I felt like I touched the sky.
I loved you.
I remember calling you names in your parents house
insulting ones in jest, because I knew 3 4
if I did you would touch me, tickle me,
it made me feel like you loved me too.
But then you started working and you weren't around.
You'd call, but it wasn't the same. 7 15
You called me so often talking about when you'd be back around,
when I could see you. I tried to assure you that I was fine. Did I?
You met another girl, you even moved in with her,
so wrapped up that you forgot to turn the lights on and let Tiger die,
your iguana and the boa constrictor that lived in your closet died too.
I remember being sad when you told me. 7 8
I think It was an omen now.
Like the death to our own relationship.
This girl was nice, she smiled a lot and sounded sincere
but you stopped calling me "angel". 7 8
we didn't sleep together anymore.
Instead when I'd come up to visit you, 7 10
you were gone and I slept on the floor while you slept in her bed.
I remember finding the rubbers there underneath, so unclean.
The other girls in your house teased me
because I didn't like horror films, or thrillers
but you would always leave...
So I would sit as far from the tv as possible and cover my eyes and tell myself that you would come out soon or come back.
That you would make it go away because you didn't tease me about it.
One night I got so scared I paced the hallway 7 8
as quietly as I could trying to calm the pounding and my body shaking.
I almost opened your door but I shouldn't have to rely on you.
I just didn't want to bother you.
I felt like I bothered everyone else there. 7 14
I bought candies and gave them to the girls
because I wanted them to like me. 7 8
Because you liked them, and I still loved you.
But I felt like you had started to forget about me.
You would say that you'd meet me at noon
and then call to say four 9 12
until it was six and you said you would see me tomorrow.
I felt like I was a bore, I must be.
After you forgot me multiple times
my mom said that I can't let you dictate my day
no matter how much I wanted to see you. 9 15
So I started going on walks when you were late, which was always.
It happened so often that I don't remember how many times.
I felt myself letting go of who I thought you were
because you weren't that person for me anymore.
We didn't go to the park or eat ice cream or do anything alone.
You brought her everywhere. 7 22
I remember waking up and
not knowing where you were or where you might be. 13 16
And then he came along and was funny,
and liked to eat junk food with me.
We'd swim in his pool 8 9
I thought that I had found someone to heal the hole you left.
But he didn't, he got angry and verbally violent. 9 12
I was so afraid but I didn't think you could save me.
I didn't tell you.
After you'd call and all
I heard was disappointment in your voice
I lacked education.
You didn't like my isolation.
And how I needed to get out there. 9 16
How I can't let what other people think or do discourage me.
But I did... I let your behavior fill me with discouragement
I thought it was what I was worth.
I thought it was the last straw when I started watching his kids
and you said it wasn't my responsibility
I said that if you had helped me I wouldn't have to. 12 18
That shut you up real fast. Did you feel responsible? At all?
That maybe if you had been a man instead of a boy
you could've seen that I only wanted to be accepted by you,
to have your respect.
You were the first boy I ever knew, 1
and my favorite color was blue because it was yours too. 4
You had seemed so sure that my hair would turn
dark brown just like yours; 6
and I would be so sure it wouldn't.
I just wanted to be important to you,
to make you proud, to feel like I was more to you,
to feel loved by you. 0 now
Because I should have been, Dad.
I deserved more... I deserve more from you. always.
May 15, 2014
May 15, 2014 at 8:31 PM UTC
Boxes needed for things at are me, that are mine
Things are dwindling as I begin to find
What is truly important
Piled on shelves, stacked upon themselves
I don't need to hold onto as much as I used to
I just hold closer to you, my Love
I used to cling to the presence of wealth
Cluttered with what I thought was beauty
When beauty was scarce and fleeting
I revered these truly and they filled me
And filled I have become, now undone
I can let them go, now I know
That love is my beauty, dear one
My childhood fancies remain
My heart contains them
Not my domain
Nov 6, 2013
Nov 6, 2013 at 4:32 AM UTC
I am your product,
But not your likeness.
I borrowed from you,
You borrowed me.
There is an evenness to our bargain
As long as it stops now.
You laid the cards and instilled my empathy.
To never say no because I couldn't, you needed me.
To listen to your explanations of family,
But you stopped protecting me.
Always saying it wasn't enough.
That you worked hard,
That you worked long,
That I had no excuses,
Because It's true, I didn't.
I had facts of my reality;
Fact of otherness,
Fact of alone.
Of ostracism,
Of wondering if a crowd would bring me companionship.
Of thinking a man was the only way to happiness,
Because you seemed to think so.
Of cursing your talk of family when you left to find your missing pieces in another's bed.
You needing me to be strong because we were all we had;
Shutting my mouth,
Pressing words back into feelings.
That you used me just like they claimed you'd done to them.
Baring their children, not caring for their say, not asking for more.
But you wanted more from me
You told me often and over.
Leaving me to be the milk-less maid.
The child mother to her mothers children,
Your sweet little children;
The ones I fiercely love,
The ones I fear you'll let break,
Like you have broken me.
My sweet little sisters.
You were my first love,
My first true hate.
The woman who bore me,
The woman who cast me out.
The wisdom in my head,
And the fool before my eyes.
My mother, the bringer, the borrower.
The one person I thought would never betray my trust;
The deserter in my time of need.
You may have borrowed my childhood;
Forever unreturned.
You may have taught me kindness in your selfishness,
You may have been my hero,
I thought you were one...
Someone to aspire to be...
But it's so simple and straight who you are now,
Now that you aren't seen through the rosy cast of my child love.
I play my hand, laying them down
Forthright and coming.
To let you know that I am no longer yours,
No longer yours to borrow.
I am my own,
You can no longer claim me.
Apr 2, 2013
Apr 2, 2013 at 3:01 AM UTC
How could I?
When you yell
And change your mind
to suit the current level;
energy you can spare
How could I?
When I confide
And you admit you lied
to suit yourself
How could I appreciate
a liar, a tired resigner
A ******* self focused.
The roof given was warm
until you put a worm beneath it with me.
The lack of attention you gave was forgiven
until you disregarded me and lost my respect.
I fought for you
Told off the ***** callers
I fought off the pity and
Accepted the praise
Because I trusted YOU
You are righteous,
You are hard working,
You are tired,
You are dissatisfied,
You are self-centered,
You are impulsive,
You are resentful,
You don't ever mean "sorry".
Once artistic,
Once thoughtful
Once sweet,
Once kind,
Once did what you taught.
You were my savior
You were my best friend
You were my hero
H.L.C
Apr 2, 2013
Apr 2, 2013 at 2:48 AM UTC
"How'd you get so messed up?"
That's one way to put it
I've always tried to learn from your experiences.
"They're three?"
Pleasure and release
That's one way to find yourself.
"Is she their mother?"
You'd think I was older
Two kids and thirteen haven't happened here.
"When mom gets home..."
I'll try to forget what I do
I'll try to forget what I didn't do
and in this I will learn from you
your beautiful mistakes
that are us; your daughters.
Apr 2, 2013
Apr 2, 2013 at 2:37 AM UTC
It's in the eyes
That's how you know
The lies
The love
How you shove me away
And draw me back.
Without the muscles
Would they still bore
Numb to any coaxing
No way of showing
Or would you?
Find a way to tell me what you wish to say
Even when the needles thick into you
Taking what you have earned
You giving it away
It's in the eyes
That's how I know
When the hours show
When the blood has tired out
And I must let go
A small syringe placed just so
To let the laughter and anger go
To wipe away and smear the story
Of my sorrow and my glory
It's in my eyes
And in the base
Where it's stored and understood
It's in my eyes
And in my head
The sleep I need to erase
Everything you've done.
Apr 2, 2013
Apr 2, 2013 at 2:35 AM UTC
I've bound them tight
These raw wounds
I've wrapped the linen round
The flesh sewn
For a moment
I am clean, the cloth white
But then the blood seeps
Red and pushing right, through
I've bound them to hold in tight
The anger and my fright
I put the layers on to tend
The cruelties of my once friend
You are just a person now
Once I used to know
Another once
Now only for show
One day these wounds will heal
I know, the scars I will be left to bare
To remind me of how
You had ceased to care
Mar 20, 2013
Mar 20, 2013 at 2:42 AM UTC
Incredible naivety and everything it entails
An animal trapped in by pressing rails
Stupid, if it wasn't known better
Don't want to send a ******* letter
Screaming- it isn't real
If I'm the only one who would feel- it
Perspire the disappointment, and misery and sadness
Stay awake for the lack of here and now- repress
it all, and go mad
wearing nothing,
just to feel
to be as cold as it
to conceal
this ordeal
and all that isn't real
Mar 20, 2013
Mar 20, 2013 at 2:24 AM UTC
A blinding light in the dark
The one to flare my single spark
The sweetest to my heart
The one that fills the largest part
A puzzle when first met
A heavy, weighty bet
Many moments pass
Waiting to amass
The pieces to direct me
To realize the need be
Filled, cause it was planted
All I ever wanted
To know who
The one
You
Mar 20, 2013
Mar 20, 2013 at 2:18 AM UTC