When i rise each day,
I neatly stuff my pillows with relentless nightmares.
They remind me of my lonely childhood.
Gently I tuck my longing to belong under my heavy blankets of dwindling hope.
Chameleon tendencies shelter me from ridicule.
The masks I wear match my atmosphere.
The masquerade must go on.
Society doesn't get the privilege to see my misery.
Misfit, black sheep, ***** little secret.
A unwanted ****** baby.
Disposed of like trash.
Never been needed, desired or loved.
Reality is I never will be.
I've been force fed hate,
And was told I should be grateful.
Never felt a parents love.
Love was forgien and confusing to me.
Still is.
That's what God intended for me.
L. Mack
1-6-26
Jan 6
Jan 6, 2026 at 5:54 AM UTC
If only we could switch places for a week.
Then you could feel how loved you truly are.
And I could understand you more clearly.
You would see how valuable your presence is.
I would find the wisdom to help you heal.
You'd understand a mother's heart.
I'd understand your depression and pain.
If only we could switch places for a week.
You could hear my whispered prayers.
I could face your demons and fears.
You would understand my grief for you.
I would understand why your words are sharp.
You'd see how much I've sacrifed.
I'd feel your bitterness of not having a childhood.
If only we could switch places for a week.
You could feel my fear of losing you.
I could understand your desperation to get high.
You would feel my failures and regrets.
I would feel your heartbreaks and disappointments.
You'd understand my physical pain.
I'd feel your relief from your torment.
If only we could switch places for a week.
You could see how I held my breath as you danced with fire.
I could see how my trauma had affected you.
You would understand the pain I needed to numb.
I would feel all the times you needed me and I wasn't there.
You'd see that love was foreign to me.
I'd see what my criticism did to you.
If only we could switch places for a week.
You could understand that I only wished you happiness.
I could feel your love for me.
We would both have more empathy for each other.
If only we could switch places for a week.
Son, I love you more then you could comprehend.
My dream for you is peace, love, contentment and thriving in you or purpose.
Love,
Mom
L. Mack
11/09/2025
Nov 9, 2025
Nov 9, 2025 at 5:05 AM UTC
I fought so hard. I wrestled my demons. I battled my fears, calmed my insecurities, silenced my doubts and became who I always desired to be. I became me. I tore down brick walls covered with thorns and razor sharp bar wire. I felt raw emotions for the first time without consequences. I discovered that feeling wasn't a sin. I kept going into the abyss of aloneness. It felt like home. I knew that I was more then "don't speak unless spoken to." I had to save her. I heard her cry all of my life. She never stopped crying. The little girl inside of me needed me. She was mourning for a loving mother she never had. Grieving to just belong. Aching to be wanted by absolutely anyone. She was never gonna get that. So I became her mom. I rocked her, I loved her, I disciplined her, I watched her grow. I taught her how to love herself. She learned she didn't need anyone she could do it all herself. Independence become her backbone. Pride replaced her shyness. Confidence overcame her anxiety. Courage concoured her fears. She was everything she ever needed n more. She was me. I am her. We were one. Whole finally. I was proud of her. I was proud of me. Finally complete. That was the year I sat alone with myself. I learned to love myself. I had to heal the child in me to become who I am, who I was meant to be. That was the best thing I ever did for myself. I had peace. I had joy. Contentment was something I finally understood. I was independent and happy. I was free.
Oct 13, 2025
Oct 13, 2025 at 8:17 AM UTC
I have to mindfuck myself
To get myself
To mind myself.
After all mom and dad knew what they were doing.
L. Mack
5/17/24
May 17, 2024
May 17, 2024 at 4:15 PM UTC
Stop it!
Don't ever give hope where there is none.
It is the cruelest thing you could ever do to another human being.
Hope is a wonderful thing.
But only if what your hoping for happens.
When it doesn't happen,
And you hoped and believed it would,
It will be one of the most devastating blows
You will ever experience.
It will shatter you.
It will put you into the deepest depression you've ever known.
It will make you question everything you've known.
It will make you feel alone.
It could make you suicidal.
It could make you homicidal.
It truly is the cruelest thing a human being can do
Is give hope where there is none.
Stop it!
L.Mack
5/16/24
May 16, 2024
May 16, 2024 at 8:54 AM UTC
I want to thank you for raising me.
I know you could have pushed me to the side,
And did things like all the other kids did.
I want to thank you for practicing wrestling moves on me.
It taught me how to defend myself.
That's why the streets didn't conquer me.
I want to thank you stepping in and taking moms place,
When I was scared and had nightmares.
You were always there to fight off my demons.
I want to thank you for teaching me,
How to open our hidden Christmas presents,
And wrapping them back up,
Without mom knowing we did.
I want to thank you for loving me unconditionally.
When I was sure no one else would.
You were always there when I felt lost and alone.
I want to thank you for standing between Dad and me.
And taking a punch in the face.
Sporting a ****** grin as your teeth slid across the floor.
I want to thank you for being so ornery.
It made life fun and interesting.
And gave me a bark along with my bite.
I want to thank you for all the times I wanted to die,
But you demanded that I live.
You never gave up on me.
I want to thank you for telling me when I was wrong,
Instead of looking the other way.
I learned accountability was mandatory.
I want to thank you for your big brother hugs,
When life felt too heavy,
And every breath felt overwhelming.
I want to thank you for not only being my brother,
But also being my parent, teacher, hero and friend.
Lessons in old school, morals and values.
I want to thank you for all the laughter you gave me.
On my good and bad days.
With it we got through all life's speed bumps.
Big brother thank you for all you taught me.
I love and miss you.
I'll see you again one day.
L. Mack
3/27/24
Mar 27, 2024
Mar 27, 2024 at 2:12 PM UTC
I found the solution.
If I don't have anything
then no one can take from me.
if I possess nothing
then no one can ruin what I have.
If I stop helping others
then no one can take advantage of me.
If I stop caring then no one can hurt me.
L. Mack
2/28/2024
Mar 10, 2024
Mar 10, 2024 at 5:42 PM UTC
**** here we go again...
I know this all too well.
I don't want to do this.
I can't watch you destroy yourself again.
I'm trapped in this bitter hell,
This unforgiving prison.
With no hope of being set free.
These are your choices,
But we both pay the consequences.
This cross is to much to bare.
Paralyzed with anxiety,
Heartbroken and shattered,
Greif strickened,
Drowning with fear,
Mourning you,
As you wither away.
There nothing I can do to save you,
All I can do is watch as you play on the train tracks,
Screaming "get off the tracks a train is coming!"
You laugh " I got this. I know what I'm doing."
Difiant, stubborn and cocky...
He is so much like me.
I have to protect him from the train.
I join him on those tracks again.
Knowing there nothing I can do.
I can't save him.
He thinks he knows it all.
And the train is coming soon.
It's the most helpless feeling ever,
Living on the train tracks to hell.
L. Mack
2/12/24
Feb 12, 2024
Feb 12, 2024 at 10:51 PM UTC
I called you brother.
That's a word I don't take lightly.
My real brother died.
He had always been my hero.
When I had nightmares as a child,
It was him I ran to.
My parents barely acknowledged me.
They were busy,
working continuously.
They did the best they could.
I came late in their lives.
They were in their 40s when I was born.
They had already had 5 children.
My mom must have been tired by then.
I would have been.
But it was my brother,
He was the one who really raised me.
After he died,
I search for a bond like we had had.
So many lonely years.
But then there was you.
And you were protective of me,
Just like he had been.
I had missed that safe, familiar feeling.
I loved you like a brother.
Would have done anything for you.
I needed a brother.
You needed to be heard.
And needed someone who cared.
When you went away to prison,
I was alone in this world again.
Life went downhill fast.
I missed my new brother so bad.
Felt like forever had past before you got out.
And then I seen your face.
It was the best feeling to hug my brother again.
I wanted your life to be filled with so much blessings.
You deserved to be happy,
And to go live your dreams.
I wanted all that and more for you brother.
I would have given you the world if I could.
I called you brother.
I don't take that lightly..
Lori Mack
11/19/22
Nov 19, 2022
Nov 19, 2022 at 3:53 PM UTC
When I come up,
my friends feel the love.
when my friends come up,
they forget I exist.
Lori Mack
10/6/2022
Nov 8, 2022
Nov 8, 2022 at 4:52 AM UTC