i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
*"uh oh, ****
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
*"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"*
1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says *"why don't you joke
about something like your family?"*
so i say
*"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"*
i say *"what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"*
before he has a chance
to answer
i say *"1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"*
2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
*"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."*
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried
Oct 16, 2015
Oct 16, 2015 at 10:41 AM UTC
I want to tell him
that I’m scared,
that I’ve been here before.
And that the last time I felt potential like this it imploded;
I imploded.
But I don’t want to taint it,
You see I’m still hopeful
That maybe this time
Won’t end up laced with maybes,
Or what ifs,
Or open wounds pouring blood onto paper.
That maybe this time,
just won’t end.
I’ve not quite worked out whether I think it’s beautiful,
Or stupid -
The human capacity,
And pliancy,
And longing,
For love.
Oct 9, 2015
Oct 9, 2015 at 11:04 AM UTC
I didn't fall in love
I stumbled
Into it
I blacked out as if
I'd been hit
It took me by surprise
It even blinded my eyes
Taking me for a ride
All because I met
This one guy
I felt like I was
high
And to my parents I was
shy
And to be honest it was like
I wasn't even sure why
I never fell in love
I tripped and landed on the ground
with a
thud.
And I couldn't move
As I sunk into the mud
I never saw it coming
Or even had the chance to
Hit the ground running
But I liked this guy
A lot
Something I wasn't sure how
I got
And he comforted me when I
felt lost.
I didn't fall in love
I dived and ate ****
But in a way, I kinda
Liked it.
Love fell into me.
Sep 10, 2015
Sep 10, 2015 at 11:25 AM UTC
If you were broken, and i had the parts to fix you
i would work on you both night and day
but, i'm afraid the parts that i use would mix you
and take the best parts of you away
Aug 23, 2015
Aug 23, 2015 at 2:15 PM UTC
So I am a mutt
And this is my poem about having split identities
*And not knowing who the **** I am*
I am Chinese and Irish
Got them green eyes, but eat rice with every dish
Have the freckles, but my first language wasn't English
Back in high school, people called me white washed
But then,
Pointed and called me that Asian
People would sneer, "You aren't even real Chinese"
But there are so many things you all don't see
Like how my Tiger mom screams at home
About getting straight As
Till her shrills leave me frozen to the bone
And when I had a boyfriend she didn't approve of
She yanked my hair
And I cried it wasn't fair
She yelled, "oh I'll give the boys something to stare"
I watched as she cut all of it off
Strand by strand
Like a strong gust of wind blowing all the leaves off the branches till it was bare in winter
The following day at school, my excuse was I needed a new look, so this was her
And meals I don't even know how to translate into English are my comfort food
But I can down some fries and burgers when I'm with the dudes
I embrace both sides of what I am
But people categorize me into one, God ****
With my Chinese family
They straight up tell you
You too skinny, too fat, so silly
They say my accent has gotten worse
The anger builds up of embarrassment and hurt
The race makes my face so red, it's like my head will soon burst
There's this underlying feeling of shame, that's the worst
Which side of me do I need to prioritize first?
I'm drowning between the ocean of two separate cultures, I'm submersed
English is the language I think in and I curse
There's so much more I can't even tell you within this verse
Oh the irony doesn't end there
My driving stereotypes are quite the scare
Cause I'm Chinese, automatically I **** at driving
But mixed with Irish, I'm also road raging
It's probably the worst combination
Of a stereotype from two different nations
Ha oh there's more
The drinking stereotype that's for sure
Irish side could down the whiskey much too quickly
But the Chinese typically are easily tipsy
This mix is kind of risky
One turns so incredibly red
And the other can get so drunk, you'd see two heads
I feel I am constantly at war
One side always wanting more
Jul 28, 2015
Jul 28, 2015 at 3:03 PM UTC
I believe your music choice
Can embody your voice
It is your choice
Fall in love with a man or little boy
To be respected or treated like a toy
It is your decision
To dream or follow that vision
You could create collisions
That led to nothing but divisions
Between you and your peers
Or you can stop and hear
And keep your loved ones near
You can opt to live in fear
At anyone who looks at you and sneers
Or you can wipe your eyes
And finally see clear
You pick the path you want to live
Whether you take or give
You can stay and grieve
Or pick up and leave
You do have options
To thrive in caution
To fill your life with toxins
Be so depressed, you almost lost it
Or follow the opposite
Take risks and earn profit
Aim to be a prophet
Eat the most sweet chocolate
I've been on both sides
That I no longer hide
It's what you choose
That's makes it a much better ride
Jul 28, 2015
Jul 28, 2015 at 2:38 PM UTC
There's a side to me
That no one knows
It hides and wears within my bones
It lays low and hides
It does not show
It's concealed inside
So old and worn
I've forgotten how to cry
It has grown in me and wants me to die
It forces me to sit and wonder why
Why do I even try
It's a monster
Not a cute one with fur
That I am sure
It's atrocious and dark
It has swallowed my heart
And ripped me apart
It has strangled and tortured me
And held me back from what I could be
All I wants is to feed
Feed off what it needs
Blinding my eyes of what I used to see
I can hear it scream and wail
Wanting me to fail
I try to fight
But I fear of its bite
It beats me with its whip
There's blood on my lip
But the internal pain exceeds the hit
I don't expect much out of people
I've watched so many leave
But I still have this everlasting hope
It's the only way I can cope
It's still hard to not be upset
When my expectations are not met
I have such high standards
But **** does it hurt
I believe I deserve the best
It has only created a mess
I try to remember when did this all start
Everything hit me like a million darts
I wish you could all see this evil thing
It has beaten me and burned me
And now everything stings
I used to take the world by storm
Now a simple smile makes me cringe
How can you trust anyone
When deceit and lies are the norm
The creature likes to live in my bones
I have let it become overgrown
And give it a place to call home
But to be honest I'm all alone
Except for the creature that I've have gotten so close to have known
Jul 28, 2015
Jul 28, 2015 at 2:08 PM UTC
I have always had a wild imagination
Especially when I was younger
A endless flow of questions
Of everything across the nation
I wanted reasons, causation
I wanted to know the foundation
The formation
About any human creation
I had this fixation
It helped me make relations
But at times ended in frustration
At times my questions seemingly
lingered in the air
And I always stared
At it Suspended
As if time stopped
But only for me
Until an answer appeared
Because I couldn't move on until I knew
But majority of the time
An answer never came
It caused me to boil in pain
And steam sizzled my thirst for knowledge even thought the heaviest rain
As if the world believed this was all some child's game
Each raindrop pounding against my body were punches against my soul
Droplet by droplet
I wanted to scream stop it
But then water filled my mouth from the sky's faucet
Like I never grew out of a child's fantasy
Jul 28, 2015
Jul 28, 2015 at 2:05 PM UTC
The light blares red
Ordering me to obey
To stay is what's screaming in my head
I choose not to live this way
I thrive on dysfunction
The hunt for affection
I cannot be controlled
Or be put on hold
If you push, I'll pull
I do not comply
I take what's mine
Telling a life of lies
I am secretive
But this is the life I live
I call the shots
Taking the first spot
Craving more
Always one to be sure
I put up a fight
I run red lights
When others see red
I am blinded by greens
People claim I am mean
A deceitful machine
I chose to put on this mask
Never relaxed
I don't do what's asked
I live by no task
I am pollution
Bearing no solution
I am a flake
I don't give, I take
This is the only life I know
Nothing else to show
I wreak havoc every step I take
No responsibility for the lives at stake
So when I see red
I will not obey
I live my life my own way
But if I get a ticket
Remember there is no stopping
Wicked
Jun 14, 2015
Jun 14, 2015 at 11:55 PM UTC
You're just my type
Everything I like
I've got you in my sight
Caught in the spotlight
Damn...it's so bright
Give it a try, I just might
This could be so right
Even the perfect height
Being with you is like full flight
Higher than a child's kite
You even got the same musical likes
Not even scared, no fright
My heart skips beats, yikes
You and me, that'd be tight
I think it could work, quite
Trust me, I don't bite
*How else to explain it,
Other than to write?*
Jun 14, 2015
Jun 14, 2015 at 11:47 PM UTC