You will always end up hurt.
I do not care how strong physically and mentally you are,
there will always be tears shed and hearts broken.
Because you cannot do something so physically intimate and
expect it to not be mentally intimate.
That is like jumping off a cliff and hoping you don't fall.
You cannot make pretend love.
You cannot look at someone and see them as an object.
For they are not an object, they are human
Someone will fall, and they will fall hard.
They will spend their time praying that each kiss is real.
They will pray that its more than just physical.
They will pray that rough touches and loud moans are more than lust.
They will spend their time hoping and praying
that you will see them as more than a quick distraction,
but, darling, this is not a fairytale.
They will not fall for you all because you kissed them differently.
They will not see you in a different light.
For this started as physical and it will stay physical.
(b.c)
May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015 at 1:26 PM UTC
I am alright
is what I say even when I have flashbacks everyday of the intimidating looking paramedic carrying me into the ambulance car as if I’m shattered porcelain.
We’re alright
is what my mom says even when she leaves the house she constantly calls and when we aren’t in the same room she repeats “Kelly? Just making sure you’re alright”.
I am alright
is what I say even when I have to look away when the clock strikes 9:27 am because that’s when everything suddenly went black and then spotted white.
We’re alright
is what my mom says, a single parent paying MRI scans, emergency room bills, antiseizure medication, the neurologist, the neurosurgeon, the epileptic neurosurgeon, without a cent from my father, and her worry lines are piercingly more clear to me.
Does anyone really wanna hear the truth?
I rub my fingers across my head imagining ripping out the millions of neurons lighting paths across my brain. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
I’ve kept my mouth shut because it’s polite but I want to tell everyone who’s pretending to be my friend because they feel sorry for me to **** off because my health is none of their business.
It all catches up to me when I sit in the hallway at Cincinnati Children’s and I watch kids with tubes down their noses and needles in their arms and think to myself:
I can’t be one of them, can I?
This can’t be real, can it?
But I guess I’m alright.
The meds make me feel foggy, like I’m somewhere between awake and asleep.
Where my mind feels like it fell through a trapdoor and into a vacuum.
If it was up to me I wouldn’t leave the house. The only places I feel safe are in the nurses office or in between the 4 walls of a hospital with my mom holding my hand.
That’s what seizures do. Turn an 18 year old girl into a 5 year old, wanting to run in a closet and slam the door so nobody has to see it happen again.
No going down stairs alone, no locking the door when showering, no getting drunk at parties, no driving, no living your life.
So you wonder if I’m alright? If alright means seeing my mom cry for the first time in years, if alright means sleeping 3 hours a night, if alright means having to rely on others because I can’t do anything by myself..
Maybe I’m tired of lying.
Maybe I’m not alright.
Mar 20, 2015
Mar 20, 2015 at 3:48 PM UTC
loneliness lays in the back of
his car in a stranded parking lot
with a *** stained blanket in the backseat.
he hasn’t noticed that i can’t look him in the eye.
hes too busy enjoying himself.
depression sits on cushion chair in
mr burnside's office,
watching him fiddle with his tie
with a worried look on his face,
as if he would say the wrong thing
and i would fall apart right before his eyes.
“you been wearing that sweatshirt all day?”
yes.
“lift up your sleeves”
no.
anxiety takes a daily trip to the nurses office.
i’m okay, i just don’t feel well.
“here’s a mint, try to go back to class”.
oh great, a ******* mint. i feel better already
hopelessness is curled up in a ball on
the bathroom floor
with the door locked. i can’t hear
my mom yell at me anymore
about how i have no direction,
how i need to try harder,
be better,
go to the gym.
abandonment walks outside at
2 in the morning with no shoes on,
-9 degree wind chill nipping at her toes.
i am crying too hard.
please don’t leave me
is all that echoes in my brain.
teen angst rolls her eyes at ms allen
“im worried about you”
one minute,
the next minute embarrassing me in front of the whole class.
I don’t know how to ******* graph an exponential function
because i spent my night at bethesda north
answering the nurses questions.
“how many pills did you take?”
“are you okay to go home tonight?”
“how long have you been dealing with depression?”
this high school is supposed to look
like a castle.
that makes me laugh.
not once since i’ve been here have i felt like a queen.
Mar 20, 2015
Mar 20, 2015 at 3:47 PM UTC
around 8pm that night
my lips finally whispered the words i thought i'd never say
but your kisses
plucked my fears one by one
till i was bare and shaking on your mattress
Jan 8, 2015
Jan 8, 2015 at 3:31 PM UTC
You think I rub my arms over and over again
because it’s a little chilly and I should have worn a sweater,
but really I need to distract myself from the reflection
of you playing cat’s cradle with her fingers and nuzzling
your kiss into her wild hair. It’s not me who’s there even though
when the moon’s face wears the night to it’s annual masquerade
you’re the one who’s reaching out to me. Maybe we don’t kiss
but we don’t have to, because our souls have been suspended
above our heads like mistletoe and you chose
a long, long time ago to hold her instead of me. And you think
I’ve found recovery in the time, found separation
between the summers, but I tuck my hair behind my ears
and crush my lips back into my teeth not out of habit
but so that I don’t scream, That was supposed to be me!
That was supposed to be me. You know, too, or else you wouldn’t
recall some stupid puddle memory just so I’ll cling
to that last ember in the bottom of my heart and light it on fire.
So I’ll be the one to remind you of the frame you cut from my soft cedar
to put her in. You can turn my light down. I’ve got nothing for you now.
Dec 30, 2014
Dec 30, 2014 at 11:11 PM UTC
I had to look up
the word
'dating'
on Urban Dictionary
because I didn't know
what we were,
what we are.
And it said things like
'a socially acceptable
form of prostitution' and
'feelings of
puppy love that usually
dissolve
in a few weeks'.
But this is
not
puppy love.
This is not going to
dissolve or
fizzle out or
whatever,
you're not a
fizzle
you're a *******
fireworks display.
And you turn
everything in my head
into this
multi-coloured
turbulence and
I can't keep up with
how much I
adore you.
But the thing is
I don't know
if your view
is as good as mine.
What if you're
looking at something
a little less
beautiful.
What if I'm your
fizzle.
What if I'm as
temporary
as the flame you use
to light the
cigarettes
you find more
addictive
than my touch.
If that's the case
I'd rather
I left you
craving.
Because
if I'm your flame
you're my
forest fire
and you're burning
it all down until
the only thing left
standing is
you.
And I'll walk for
miles across this
carpet of ashes
just to feel the
softness of your skin
against mine.
And I'll cough
and I'll splutter
on toxic smoke
but you'll just
breathe it in because
you never realised anything
was even
lost.
You don't see me
crawl
you just know that
I'm here,
I'm here
I made it
I'm yours
I'll always be yours
because there's
nothing else
left.
And maybe
I can be
content with that
if only
you will see
that
you could burn down
everything
and I still
wouldn't put you
out.
Dec 27, 2014
Dec 27, 2014 at 6:38 PM UTC
And I decided to stop running and searching for where you might be
I catch my breath instead and hold on to my knees
Finally I see you from a distance
but when I try to run again
I lose my balance
There I was on the ground
making the loudest sound
Screaming your name with the volume to the extreme
hoping you would turn around
help me to wake up from this dream
I scream so loud
my throat became raw
my lungs grasp molecules of oxygen at rapid speed
Then I embraced the silence
because as I saw you walk away from me
I realized that even the loudest of my screams
did not even register
as a mere whisper
Try hard as I might to bellow
You can only give me your shadow
Dec 26, 2014
Dec 26, 2014 at 7:33 AM UTC
you were the reason I didn't **** myself
this doesn't mean you have to love me
what it means is, I will always love you
Dec 25, 2014
Dec 25, 2014 at 9:15 PM UTC
I cling to the edge of the cliff
I'm grasping
Waiting for them to take my hand
To pull me
It's funny how I got here though
I'm laughing
I reached out mine to all of them
They used me
I gave up my own weight for theirs
I'm falling
I could not let them fall instead
They left me
I loved so I could have a friend
I'm lonely
They never asked me to help them
I'm failing
To understand that I have no one to blame but myself
Dec 19, 2014
Dec 19, 2014 at 9:15 AM UTC