I still remember our first kiss perfectly. you had tried so hard before and I finally gave in. it was in the movie theater parking lot and we were on our first official "date". you held me close and quietly said "Can I have one now?" knowing exactly what you were talking about I slowly nodded and you kissed me. it was the happiest moment of my life. you've always made me the happiest in everything you do. our second kiss was in my yard while you were telling me goodbye shortly after. we fell clumsily everywhere. I literally could not hold myself together while kissing you. it was then, when I couldn't help but smile during our kiss goodbye, that I realized I will never have that with anyone else. I will never be as happy as I am with you with anyone else nor will I ever want to.
Jun 25, 2015
Jun 25, 2015 at 11:08 PM UTC
you try to sleep to distance yourself away from the depression, but how can you get away from it when all you dream of is something worse than reality? where do you find peace?
Jun 15, 2015
Jun 15, 2015 at 10:43 AM UTC
Falling for you was a lot like getting drunk. It all happened so fast, I didn't even bother to slow down and think about the consequences, I just wanted to feel good and you made me feel so good. But things got out of hand and before I knew it I was wanting more and more of you, taking shot after shot until I could hardly stand on my own. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol won't keep people happy, and more often that not it leaves you laying on the bathroom floor trying to pin-point the moment it all went wrong. A lot like love. Now I'm just hungover, not because I fell out of love with you (I could never do that), but because I can still feel you inside of me. There are knots in my stomach and a constant ache in my head that won't fade no matter how many pills I take. There's hardly a difference between this and an actual hangover, except I'm going to feel like this for a long, long time.
May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015 at 11:43 AM UTC
My body is like a destroyed DVD,
Scratched up from all the lies and pain brought by two humans I’ve trusted for the last 14 years.
Like a deep scarred disc,
My life stops, (Pause)
sk-k-kips (act like i’m stuttering) over the years I call scenes, I want to forget.
As time ticks by,
more scenes from my life are erased from sharp things like knives and lies.
scene 1: Daddy quits drinking, mommy starts smoking again.
scene 2: We move to Maine to be close to grampy and grammy, they said maybe they can help mommy slow down the amount of gray clouds released from her mouth.
scene 3: Mommy and daddy kiss each other like the people in the movies, its kinda gross
scene 4: We move again cause daddy says his hands make holes in the walls bigger than elephants. and I know that is big.
scene 5: I start Kindergarten, daddy is holding my hand tighter than a gorilla. it sort of hurts but I won’t say anything.
scene 6: I call my teacher mom, maybe cause mrs.roberts has asked me more questions about how my day than the person that used to make supper for us.
scene 7: Mommy starts swallowing these ovally things so she can feel better and not yell at daddy anymore
scene 8: I have to start taking the pills with mommy cause apparently being myself isn’t good enough for her.
[Pause again]
scene 9: mommy is pulling more cigarettes out of the white box than I can even count
scene 9: my daddy wakes me up with bottles that are brown and shaped like the ones on t.v. breaking on the floor cause he isn’t supposed to be drinking that kind of “juice”
scene 10: My mom says she is going away for a while but never says when she’ll be back.
Scene 10: I’m not inhaling the black smoke she blew in my face filled with elements that I discovered called Lies and pain.
Scene 11: Mom comes back like winter, cold hearted and only for a few months
[Pause for audience]
scene 12: Dad locks Mom and I out of the house
scene 12: Mom leaves me at the house so I have to sleep outside
scene 12: Mom is moving 5 states south, the same direction my life is going.
(Slow down)
Scene 15: I get caught finding a way to release all the pain onto my wrists with knives cause my dad is using the same knives to open bottles like a sailor.
Scene 15: I haven’t seen mom in 3 years
Scene 15: I blame myself for dad drinking again
Scene 16: Mom says she loves her boyfriend more than her own 3 children
scene 16: My 12 year old brother is told to **** himself
scene 16: nobody cares
Scene 16: (Slow down) My dad asks why I want to skip over the scenes 13-14
[pause]
“Dad life is to short to reminisce all the bad things.”
Even now I still make scars on the left side of my brain as if I’m going back in time from the Iphone 6 to the 1st Iphone getting thicker and thicker
Scene 16: My dad pays for pills that try to fade the scars on my dvd.
May 12, 2015
May 12, 2015 at 11:38 AM UTC
The moon has always had an effect on me. No matter what cycle it's on, it never fails to astound me by the way it protrudes from the rest of the sky. Or the way it changes it's shape every night. Sometimes it decides to randomly hide away and come out when it knows everyone is asleep.
May 7, 2015
May 7, 2015 at 11:52 AM UTC
I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.
May 5, 2015
May 5, 2015 at 11:01 AM UTC