To preface all of this, I have had a difficult time with this assignment. I do not know what I want to do in the future or where and my everyday is just following the stepping stones laid out before me. Most of my mental energy goes towards being semiproductive most days and attempting to ignore my problems. I deal with an unknown chronic pain, I have had more tests than I can count and a procedure or two to try and find it's cause. The pain is so bad that whenever it flairs up I can barely breathe, my vision goes dark, and I can only wait for it to fade back to a manageable level. It has caused a lot of difficulty and has contributed to the shambles that is my mental health.
I am not happy. Nor do I remember the last time I have ever been happy, happy without the catalyst of an event. I have to rely on synthetic emotions made in a lab to get up every day because somewhere along the lines of me developing into who I am, there was a coding error. The machine did not run anymore, and all hell broke loose. The radio waves fried, the flood gates opened, and all communication ceased. All that remained was static. Static and silence. But still, I continued, out of obligation. Even now, with some sense of self and a balanced chemical cocktail, I only do what is expected of me, of a person who exists, and a concept in others' minds out of obligation, to meet expectations of the others and the self.
When I went through an in-patient program, I only did the personal journaling, a required part of the healing process, so I could be cleared to go home. By not completing the required writings, I would prolong my stay. That would keep me from going back home and not returning to the everyday tedium that was expected of me. I did finish the journal, and I did go home, but I cannot say I truthfully took anything from the experience that's weight was not surpassed by the time I missed.
At times, I feel like Sisyphus. I roll my boulder up the mountain made up of the perceived expectations my feeble sense of self clings to. Never able to crest the summit and view what waits beyond. What would I do when I no longer had to face that treacherous climb against the weight of my own mind? I don't know. So I continue. Each day, the same motions, the same empty goals.
One day, maybe, the cycle with stop and I will no longer need to wrestle with the swirling, empty abyss of the opinions I have collected, the assumptions I assumed to have been made, the notions that everyone outside of me sees what I am and they hold opinions and expectations that if I fail to meet any of them, even by the slightest, people will see me for what I am and shudder and shun me away. Then perhaps I can dream. I can look towards opportunities and no fear the obligations and expectations that come with each step, each stone overturned.
Feb 17, 2020
Feb 17, 2020 at 8:43 PM UTC
I can focus but it's rarely on the right thing.
There was a fan on before I wrote this but it took more effort to ignore it then turn it off.
There's to much attention on one thing or never enough on anything.
A single point can become my whole world, my whole world nothing but a singular point of interest.
Time will fly by as I'm stuck in a stand still until something draws me back,
My focus back.
I can focus, but it's never on what I truly want.
I set out to enjoy but end up fixating.
The flicker of lights.
The calling of a bird.
Rarely what is before me.
I can focus, but it takes a day.
It is drawn and cut short in irreversible ways as the pattern continues in undefined rhymes,
And I should know.
Because I can focus.
Jun 25, 2018
Jun 25, 2018 at 7:52 PM UTC
Mamma They built a wall today.
It runs farther than I could walk.
It seems to reach the sky.
Some people say the sun only shines in the west.
They say God has abandoned us for our sins,
Leaving us in the hands of ice.
Mamma I wish you were here to see,
But you were left on the otherside.
Brick by brick.
Post by post.
An Iron Wall descended upon us.
Aug 5, 2015
Aug 5, 2015 at 11:06 PM UTC
Like day and night,
We are not the same.
But that doesn't matter,
When you speak my name.
Aug 5, 2015
Aug 5, 2015 at 10:57 PM UTC
Knowledge is kept in many volumes, which I have read. But I have found, the best knowledge does not come from what is learned, it comes from what is experienced.
Aug 24, 2014
Aug 24, 2014 at 6:23 PM UTC
The frost fills my mind, and muddles my thoughts.
Will you warm my heart to melt the ice?
Aug 22, 2014
Aug 22, 2014 at 11:47 PM UTC
The grief.
The arguing.
The anger.
The hate.
The animosity that flows through all of the conversations.
But the one thing I hate the most is the urge to reach over and pull you into my arms and never let you go.
The brief moments of forgiveness.
The childish jokes and snide remarks.
I just want to see you happy, even when it makes me hate myself because of the lanks I'm willing to go.
Throwing away my feelings.
Telling you my every thought,
My darkest secrets.
I want to let you go.
I want to be free of these shackles that keep me in your reach.
To be able to smile and laugh without hiding that I'm crying inside,
Dying.
Nov 15, 2013
Nov 15, 2013 at 10:56 PM UTC
You took my heart
Then locked it in a cage.
Hide it away from all others
And now I see it
All alone
Out of your way
Just waiting
Waiting
For you it will sit
Just waiting
Oct 12, 2013
Oct 12, 2013 at 1:32 PM UTC
Sitting reading, absorbed in music.
People call it being a loner.
Ignore the harsh word, wearing armor ready to break.
Sitting wonder why.
Not a worry in the world though.
Is there hope in this beaten and scarred world?
Does it matter what they think?
Thinking about t hurts.
Headaches that feel like needles.
So why worry?
Stress, pain, hated?
Does it matter?
No.
It always change.
Never pessimistic
But not an optimist.
Never alone,
People or thought,
Sits the realist,
Buried in books.
Engulfed in music.
Jun 6, 2013
Jun 6, 2013 at 11:44 AM UTC
Eyes alight like a fire.
A smile that could melt the glaciers.
Worry clouds behind the smile you wear
Does anyone even like me you ask
Joking I say we don't
But truth be told I couldn't live without you.
You laugh that makes me melt.
The small small things that make you you are what makes you beautiful to me.
Your being.
Your soul.
It's all an amazing and wonderful thing I wish to know.
But it scares me.
I wish to be close
But I don't want to be broken.
I want you to be close
But I keep my heart locked away.
Jun 6, 2013
Jun 6, 2013 at 10:37 AM UTC