katherine-behrends - Hello Poetry

Our bodies Are really just galaxies Held together by bone and flesh. My thoughts are stars. But How can you expect me to Recognize the constellations That they could potentially form When I’ve always ****** At thinking linearly? Hell, I have a hard enough time Remembering That I am still alive. I dropped a plate today- That promptly shattered- Because For that very instant I didn’t exist. I think Maybe I was born To self-destruct Quite like The most massive suns In our universe Detonate Into supernovae. One of these days Out of the blue My chest is going to start Caving in And my arms and legs will contract And finally I’ll flood out into the open- I always did tell you My heart was an ocean Filled so full that it’s Ready to erupt. Well once I’ve emptied My heart My body And my mind Maybe Just maybe I’ll find the strength To reconstruct this galaxy. But I’d probably need some Major work. I need help untangling these veins. Someone Just give me A diagnosis Because My lungs should work Just fine But I just CAN'T BREATHE- Surely there are vultures flying around Grating my insides. I want you to rewrite my skin Dig up the graveyards In my skeleton And maybe Help settle some of these ghosts. I just wanted- So desperately- For you to find a home Somewhere near my heart That I tried stitching a home Into my ribcage But the seams are jagged And tender And it feels like they’re leaking All the god **** time But no matter what- Whenever I check my lesions- They’re healing. Hopefully, My structures Will last longer This time Around the bend. Because unless You have your own scars, You’ll probably Never understand mine. But we all do something. You can’t fathom the leagues Of deep dark arctic water that churn Just under my crust Or the monsters Surfing the waves Because They tell you to drown your demons But I’m pretty positive Mine have known how to swim From the beginning. You don’t see The stress and anxiety That pumps around Through my blood Igniting my body And effectively silencing me. Please don’t touch me Not until you understand That sometimes All I am capable of felling Is needles and razors. The added pressure Of your feather light touch Might just Cause a cave in. Please don’t Love me Until you Recognize That I do not love myself But I AM trying. For the longest time I’ve been so concerned That You might start Seeing me The way I see myself But something really Kind of funny happened (I think) I’m starting To see myself The way you see me. My skin Has been left to rot Too many times And WOW- That really hurts. My cells Is still in the process Of growing back But it’s still so sensitive. I’m swallowing Your forgiveness Because I need it For my own. I cannot Excuse Myself- Not anymore. There is No such concept As ‘Beautifully broken’ Some of us Are just better than others At clutching Bleeding seams.

0

Apr 21, 2014

Apr 21, 2014 at 12:41 PM UTC

I'm Swallowing Your Forgiveness

Our bodies Are really just galaxies Held together by bone and flesh. My thoughts are stars. But How can you expect me to Recognize the constellations That they could potentially form When I’ve always ****** At thinking linearly? Hell, I have a hard enough time Remembering That I am still alive. I dropped a plate today- That promptly shattered- Because For that very instant I didn’t exist. I think Maybe I was born To self-destruct Quite like The most massive suns In our universe Detonate Into supernovae. One of these days Out of the blue My chest is going to start Caving in And my arms and legs will contract And finally I’ll flood out into the open- I always did tell you My heart was an ocean Filled so full that it’s Ready to erupt. Well once I’ve emptied My heart My body And my mind Maybe Just maybe I’ll find the strength To reconstruct this galaxy. But I’d probably need some Major work. I need help untangling these veins. Someone Just give me A diagnosis Because My lungs should work Just fine But I just CAN'T BREATHE- Surely there are vultures flying around Grating my insides. I want you to rewrite my skin Dig up the graveyards In my skeleton And maybe Help settle some of these ghosts. I just wanted- So desperately- For you to find a home Somewhere near my heart That I tried stitching a home Into my ribcage But the seams are jagged And tender And it feels like they’re leaking All the god **** time But no matter what- Whenever I check my lesions- They’re healing. Hopefully, My structures Will last longer This time Around the bend. Because unless You have your own scars, You’ll probably Never understand mine. But we all do something. You can’t fathom the leagues Of deep dark arctic water that churn Just under my crust Or the monsters Surfing the waves Because They tell you to drown your demons But I’m pretty positive Mine have known how to swim From the beginning. You don’t see The stress and anxiety That pumps around Through my blood Igniting my body And effectively silencing me. Please don’t touch me Not until you understand That sometimes All I am capable of felling Is needles and razors. The added pressure Of your feather light touch Might just Cause a cave in. Please don’t Love me Until you Recognize That I do not love myself But I AM trying. For the longest time I’ve been so concerned That You might start Seeing me The way I see myself But something really Kind of funny happened (I think) I’m starting To see myself The way you see me. My skin Has been left to rot Too many times And WOW- That really hurts. My cells Is still in the process Of growing back But it’s still so sensitive. I’m swallowing Your forgiveness Because I need it For my own. I cannot Excuse Myself- Not anymore. There is No such concept As ‘Beautifully broken’ Some of us Are just better than others At clutching Bleeding seams.

161

I remember, When I was young I was a princess- Not in the conventional sense However. I wanted to grow up And become- Not royalty- Especially not The Queen. No, what I wanted to be Was the vicious and coldblooded Dragon That can destroy everything Without worrying About someone greater And fiercer coming along To stop me. Even if You just went back 5 years You would clearly Be able to observe That I was a fawn- Still just a little princess. Who can say when This drastic transformation Transpired? I must have started sleeping With my limbs dangling hazardously Over the edge of the bed Near the void- Because I know well enough Something profane did Creep up from the darkness Into me- And now there is No Going back. I mounted These vapors And took to the atmosphere. I soared Up And up And up Until my problems Were no longer my problems And I ceased loving. You’d better believe that I am Gulping these flames And these infernos Are, in fact, Licking away at my insides. I am a great serpent Borne from something unholy- Guarding my heart In a haze of smoke. There was surely a time When I was light And morality But Somewhere along the way, I stopped caring Took in the dark And the fire To fuel my own desires. But evidently, I am not the merciless drake I so anticipated becoming. Because just the other day I was terror and dread- And today I feel no larger Than a teacup. Here I was, Deluding myself Into thinking That I am a fireball Capable of extinguishing cities. When lately, Every night I contract into myself Fighting to keep warmth In my heart Before I freeze solid again Because they tell you To light a fire within yourself In order to keep warm But They never tell you That sometimes It can scorch pits into your ribcage.

0

Apr 21, 2014

Apr 21, 2014 at 12:36 PM UTC

Are There Embers in my Lungs?

I remember, When I was young I was a princess- Not in the conventional sense However. I wanted to grow up And become- Not royalty- Especially not The Queen. No, what I wanted to be Was the vicious and coldblooded Dragon That can destroy everything Without worrying About someone greater And fiercer coming along To stop me. Even if You just went back 5 years You would clearly Be able to observe That I was a fawn- Still just a little princess. Who can say when This drastic transformation Transpired? I must have started sleeping With my limbs dangling hazardously Over the edge of the bed Near the void- Because I know well enough Something profane did Creep up from the darkness Into me- And now there is No Going back. I mounted These vapors And took to the atmosphere. I soared Up And up And up Until my problems Were no longer my problems And I ceased loving. You’d better believe that I am Gulping these flames And these infernos Are, in fact, Licking away at my insides. I am a great serpent Borne from something unholy- Guarding my heart In a haze of smoke. There was surely a time When I was light And morality But Somewhere along the way, I stopped caring Took in the dark And the fire To fuel my own desires. But evidently, I am not the merciless drake I so anticipated becoming. Because just the other day I was terror and dread- And today I feel no larger Than a teacup. Here I was, Deluding myself Into thinking That I am a fireball Capable of extinguishing cities. When lately, Every night I contract into myself Fighting to keep warmth In my heart Before I freeze solid again Because they tell you To light a fire within yourself In order to keep warm But They never tell you That sometimes It can scorch pits into your ribcage.

93

Once, when I was just a little girl, I think it was my ankle, I hurt it one way or another- Kids will be kids, they say- So I told my Daddy. Well the best advice he had was, “Just hurt something else- it’ll hurt less that way.” It was never an injury In their eyes Unless it was a Bleeder. Once, when I was just a little girl, Mommy was soo sad after having Her little baby boys- They call it ‘postpartum depression’ But I’ve always considered it regret and Even now, I still wonder, If they ever wanted me. I guess that’s the damage inflicted By knowing that your siblings Were all mistakes. Once, when I was just a little girl, Mommy would get these Horrible headaches So I choose silence- I choose silence a long time ago- And I haven’t found my voice since. Once, when I was just a little girl, Mommy and Daddy turned our house Into a war zone- Coming home was like an active tour of duty. Two super powers constantly at ends- Well, as you can imagine, There was collateral damage, And I can still see it in my brother’s eyes Whenever Mommy raises her voice Or a door slams a little too hard. Once, when I was just a little girl, I read a poem at school About killing myself. It’s funny that some other kids mom Cared more than mine For my wellbeing. Because I still sport battle scars And they’ve asked And still did nothing Even when I lied Right to their faces. Well, Once, when I was just a little girl, My big brother died And so did everything good In the world.

0

Mar 27, 2014

Mar 27, 2014 at 2:01 PM UTC

When I Was a Little Girl

Once, when I was just a little girl, I think it was my ankle, I hurt it one way or another- Kids will be kids, they say- So I told my Daddy. Well the best advice he had was, “Just hurt something else- it’ll hurt less that way.” It was never an injury In their eyes Unless it was a Bleeder. Once, when I was just a little girl, Mommy was soo sad after having Her little baby boys- They call it ‘postpartum depression’ But I’ve always considered it regret and Even now, I still wonder, If they ever wanted me. I guess that’s the damage inflicted By knowing that your siblings Were all mistakes. Once, when I was just a little girl, Mommy would get these Horrible headaches So I choose silence- I choose silence a long time ago- And I haven’t found my voice since. Once, when I was just a little girl, Mommy and Daddy turned our house Into a war zone- Coming home was like an active tour of duty. Two super powers constantly at ends- Well, as you can imagine, There was collateral damage, And I can still see it in my brother’s eyes Whenever Mommy raises her voice Or a door slams a little too hard. Once, when I was just a little girl, I read a poem at school About killing myself. It’s funny that some other kids mom Cared more than mine For my wellbeing. Because I still sport battle scars And they’ve asked And still did nothing Even when I lied Right to their faces. Well, Once, when I was just a little girl, My big brother died And so did everything good In the world.

53

You know, We may both be Neptune’s daughters- Free and extravagant little fish flaunting their scales- But maybe our hearts exist in separate parts of the ocean. So much for being my “other half”. See Because you lie on beaches in California And I’m burning my skin Trying to get rid of this chill So we can live in the same world. Because I thought that Maybe Just maybe, We could both Meet somewhere in the middle But now I’m pretty sure you just Didn’t want that. See Because there’s no way to make you love me, No number of Poems I write, Songs I sing, Or beautiful words I conjure for you. You do not love me But man I loved you But I don’t anymore. See Because there was something truly Enchanting about drowning with you. And really, I’m so happy you found solid ground, But by god, I can barely see you on the shore, From this far out at sea. And now I’m terrified, Petrified like a bit of driftwood, Because what if my good Can’t overcome my slights and I sink Like dead weight, Like an anchor pitched into the depths. Because after all this time, You just don’t feel like swimming out To save me anymore? See because In a lot of ways This love was a lot like art. It could have saved me, It could have set me free, Doubtless would’ve hurt, Maybe even destroyed me. Because after all this time, And through this winter, I think my hearts finally frozen solid again And the sharp bits of crystal ice floating around me Are cutting my skin And gouging out my insides Enough to make me sink. I have been discarded By the ones that I love, But That does not mean that I will let down Those who love me Because survival is bitter and cold Like the stagnant coffee At the bottom of this shot glass Or the day old corpse in my closet.

0

Mar 27, 2014

Mar 27, 2014 at 1:59 PM UTC

This Love Was a Lot Like Art

You know, We may both be Neptune’s daughters- Free and extravagant little fish flaunting their scales- But maybe our hearts exist in separate parts of the ocean. So much for being my “other half”. See Because you lie on beaches in California And I’m burning my skin Trying to get rid of this chill So we can live in the same world. Because I thought that Maybe Just maybe, We could both Meet somewhere in the middle But now I’m pretty sure you just Didn’t want that. See Because there’s no way to make you love me, No number of Poems I write, Songs I sing, Or beautiful words I conjure for you. You do not love me But man I loved you But I don’t anymore. See Because there was something truly Enchanting about drowning with you. And really, I’m so happy you found solid ground, But by god, I can barely see you on the shore, From this far out at sea. And now I’m terrified, Petrified like a bit of driftwood, Because what if my good Can’t overcome my slights and I sink Like dead weight, Like an anchor pitched into the depths. Because after all this time, You just don’t feel like swimming out To save me anymore? See because In a lot of ways This love was a lot like art. It could have saved me, It could have set me free, Doubtless would’ve hurt, Maybe even destroyed me. Because after all this time, And through this winter, I think my hearts finally frozen solid again And the sharp bits of crystal ice floating around me Are cutting my skin And gouging out my insides Enough to make me sink. I have been discarded By the ones that I love, But That does not mean that I will let down Those who love me Because survival is bitter and cold Like the stagnant coffee At the bottom of this shot glass Or the day old corpse in my closet.

64

Drinking today just borrows tomorrow’s happiness. You aren’t the only one who thinks about going home and killing themselves. Poetry and *** are an enthralling combination. You’re not a ‘young girl’- you’re an actual real person. In reality, all that every person wants is love, happiness, and acceptance- keep that in mind. Sometimes it feels like everything good has been whitewashed out of your world, Yet it still goes on. You go on. Be proud of yourself for being alive- Sometimes that’s all there is to be proud of. Coping tactics don’t always work. Words are important- speak up. It is your own birthright to die- no one can take that from you. When you understand your own deepest, Darkest inner workings- you’ll be invaluable in helping others- So don’t be afraid of self-reflection even though it’s hard. Put up a fight for what you love. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

0

Mar 27, 2014

Mar 27, 2014 at 1:58 PM UTC

Things I Never Learned in High School

Drinking today just borrows tomorrow’s happiness. You aren’t the only one who thinks about going home and killing themselves. Poetry and *** are an enthralling combination. You’re not a ‘young girl’- you’re an actual real person. In reality, all that every person wants is love, happiness, and acceptance- keep that in mind. Sometimes it feels like everything good has been whitewashed out of your world, Yet it still goes on. You go on. Be proud of yourself for being alive- Sometimes that’s all there is to be proud of. Coping tactics don’t always work. Words are important- speak up. It is your own birthright to die- no one can take that from you. When you understand your own deepest, Darkest inner workings- you’ll be invaluable in helping others- So don’t be afraid of self-reflection even though it’s hard. Put up a fight for what you love. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

17

You’re constructed out of the same elements That stars and lionesses and Even your sister wolves are. Through your heart pumps star poison! The very iron in your capillaries Would destroy something As extraordinary and enormous as a star. Your organs are padded with the same Water that used to carve away Amazing things like the Grand Canyon, Your insides are bursting with water From dissolving meteors- from deeper in space than you know. Your bones can survive tornadoes, Hurricanes, Massive disasters- And you’re still pulling out your hair and Tearing at your skin? You may feel like you have nothing Left inside your core, But your heart is still beating, isn’t it? Your lungs still intake oxygen- Adept in fueling fires to level entire forests- Even though all we are is Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, iron, and phosphorous. But men still charge into collapsing fireballs And mothers still hold their crying children And clouds still hang in the stratosphere and You can still make it through this Because every day is something new.

0

Mar 27, 2014

Mar 27, 2014 at 1:55 PM UTC

I'm Pretty Sure You're Poison

You’re constructed out of the same elements That stars and lionesses and Even your sister wolves are. Through your heart pumps star poison! The very iron in your capillaries Would destroy something As extraordinary and enormous as a star. Your organs are padded with the same Water that used to carve away Amazing things like the Grand Canyon, Your insides are bursting with water From dissolving meteors- from deeper in space than you know. Your bones can survive tornadoes, Hurricanes, Massive disasters- And you’re still pulling out your hair and Tearing at your skin? You may feel like you have nothing Left inside your core, But your heart is still beating, isn’t it? Your lungs still intake oxygen- Adept in fueling fires to level entire forests- Even though all we are is Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, iron, and phosphorous. But men still charge into collapsing fireballs And mothers still hold their crying children And clouds still hang in the stratosphere and You can still make it through this Because every day is something new.

29

Lately, When I’ve tried Opening the gates The locks to my kingdom It’s simply impossible to accomplish. I’m terrified, Terrified, Of being ‘open.’ What does ‘open’ really even mean? Am I supposed to investigate Every dazzling petunia? Conduct a survey among my local hydrangeas? Or maybe I should consider taking a hibiscus As my teacher In order to learn the art of blooming. Flowers mastered The art of opening up to the world, Without the fear that those around it Will shine more astronomically More brilliantly Than they. Yes, I wish I was a flower, I wish I did not care. I need to learn How not to care Like a flower. Flowers may be ‘weak’ But they’re still stronger Than me. My skin is too soft- My shell might crack And it will break open And you will see That there’s nothing left inside me And I will carve myself open To prove it to you. If I open up Like a flower, I’m sure to sustain an injury Or a lot. Trust is a butterfly Easy to crush Impossible to take And wow When you have it It’s an amazing thing. But when it’s gone, Oh it’s an Ugly Mangled Dead thing. When did this trust Fall out of my chest? Did it shatter when it fell? Because it’s sure broken Into a million pieces And it is mangled and ugly. I am so broken So fully broken Hugs are poison And your touch Could burn the heart Out of me. I’m just anxious I’m always nervous My veins itch and When your eyes dance on my form I become physically ill And when you put a hand on my shoulder I’ll jump like a suicidal bird in flight. These nerves are eating away I’m being dissolved by their horrid bleach And my organs are already mush.

0

Mar 27, 2014

Mar 27, 2014 at 1:54 PM UTC

I Wish I Was A Flower

Lately, When I’ve tried Opening the gates The locks to my kingdom It’s simply impossible to accomplish. I’m terrified, Terrified, Of being ‘open.’ What does ‘open’ really even mean? Am I supposed to investigate Every dazzling petunia? Conduct a survey among my local hydrangeas? Or maybe I should consider taking a hibiscus As my teacher In order to learn the art of blooming. Flowers mastered The art of opening up to the world, Without the fear that those around it Will shine more astronomically More brilliantly Than they. Yes, I wish I was a flower, I wish I did not care. I need to learn How not to care Like a flower. Flowers may be ‘weak’ But they’re still stronger Than me. My skin is too soft- My shell might crack And it will break open And you will see That there’s nothing left inside me And I will carve myself open To prove it to you. If I open up Like a flower, I’m sure to sustain an injury Or a lot. Trust is a butterfly Easy to crush Impossible to take And wow When you have it It’s an amazing thing. But when it’s gone, Oh it’s an Ugly Mangled Dead thing. When did this trust Fall out of my chest? Did it shatter when it fell? Because it’s sure broken Into a million pieces And it is mangled and ugly. I am so broken So fully broken Hugs are poison And your touch Could burn the heart Out of me. I’m just anxious I’m always nervous My veins itch and When your eyes dance on my form I become physically ill And when you put a hand on my shoulder I’ll jump like a suicidal bird in flight. These nerves are eating away I’m being dissolved by their horrid bleach And my organs are already mush.

73

Lately I’m just tallying grievances, Just pending, just aiming for important, Poisoning and drowning these fetuses, But this subzero current feels constant. And I can't get out and it's all your fault, What was always will be and that’s that dear. From now on, will this be our joint default? I have been hounding you for a light year, But the cosmic world wouldn't know this ache. I'll engrave you into the skies for good, From the cosmos can you see my hands quake? The worst part is I still would- if I could. I’ll erase you and I will erase me, Leave me be or I'll do something extreme.

0

Mar 27, 2014

Mar 27, 2014 at 1:53 PM UTC

Unnamed Sonnet

Lately I’m just tallying grievances, Just pending, just aiming for important, Poisoning and drowning these fetuses, But this subzero current feels constant. And I can't get out and it's all your fault, What was always will be and that’s that dear. From now on, will this be our joint default? I have been hounding you for a light year, But the cosmic world wouldn't know this ache. I'll engrave you into the skies for good, From the cosmos can you see my hands quake? The worst part is I still would- if I could. I’ll erase you and I will erase me, Leave me be or I'll do something extreme.

14

I feel bad Catching my own reflection Trapping it with my eyes Because hey I hate it enough when you all do it. Only, the difference is, I see through this guise, Know the dark secrets, Have seen all the ugliness And by god I just Hate it I hate being looked at watched I wish I was invisible. Because All I ever wanted to be Was nothing But even when you’re ‘nothing’ They can still see you Even though they see ‘nobody’ But the really funny part Is that I have The hardest time Even considering myself Alive Real In existence If I’m not ’visible.’ Maybe I wasn’t created To exist on this plane. So I write I write and I hammer away At this keyboard Like a contractor trying Desperately To repair this ramshackle house To fix it without Ruining the foundations So fully That it crumbles. Because, in many ways, I’m in active decay. You never know what’s On fire or broken And sometimes You’ll find carcasses In unexpected places Because these ‘Skeletons’ Keep crawling under my bed While I toss and turn And sneaking out of closets While I write to you. Because if home Is where the heart is, Then where did mine go? And suddenly I don’t know what to do Because suddenly I’m not fine and I’m learning how to speak again But I’m still so trivial And inaudible And I barely exist. No, no, Really, I’m fine I’m fine Please don’t touch me I’ll hate it or I’ll like it too much. Please don’t look at me Please pretend that I’m not here Because your attention will Make me even smaller And soon I’ll really be nothing.

0

Mar 27, 2014

Mar 27, 2014 at 1:51 PM UTC

All I Ever Wanted To Be Was Nothing

I feel bad Catching my own reflection Trapping it with my eyes Because hey I hate it enough when you all do it. Only, the difference is, I see through this guise, Know the dark secrets, Have seen all the ugliness And by god I just Hate it I hate being looked at watched I wish I was invisible. Because All I ever wanted to be Was nothing But even when you’re ‘nothing’ They can still see you Even though they see ‘nobody’ But the really funny part Is that I have The hardest time Even considering myself Alive Real In existence If I’m not ’visible.’ Maybe I wasn’t created To exist on this plane. So I write I write and I hammer away At this keyboard Like a contractor trying Desperately To repair this ramshackle house To fix it without Ruining the foundations So fully That it crumbles. Because, in many ways, I’m in active decay. You never know what’s On fire or broken And sometimes You’ll find carcasses In unexpected places Because these ‘Skeletons’ Keep crawling under my bed While I toss and turn And sneaking out of closets While I write to you. Because if home Is where the heart is, Then where did mine go? And suddenly I don’t know what to do Because suddenly I’m not fine and I’m learning how to speak again But I’m still so trivial And inaudible And I barely exist. No, no, Really, I’m fine I’m fine Please don’t touch me I’ll hate it or I’ll like it too much. Please don’t look at me Please pretend that I’m not here Because your attention will Make me even smaller And soon I’ll really be nothing.

77