i.
hands grip, tug leaving unseen marks
fingers crawl, creep under skin
lips heavy, move deep in and out
it’s sensual, snake wrapping around prey
i move with complacency
i came here for this
cold, empty self destruction
“i want this, i want him, i want—”
ii.
no one taught me the word no
i learned it on my own too late
after it had been stripped from me
my voice sniffed out before i could scream
no one asked me what i wanted
or if i wanted anything
iii.
*** is violent
destructive
damning
unrelenting
controlling
useless
power
iv.
careful lips and careful caresses
paper thin like one of us will break
i don’t want it here
where my heart trills at every brush
where my feet feel grounded
where i know i fall into safe hands
my mind doesn’t want or wander
my feelings never waiver
but my body wonders
if there is a touch it is meant to know
Nov 12, 2018
Nov 12, 2018 at 1:48 AM UTC
When our lips first met,
The fragile sky did not collapse
The vast heavens did not open up
The resting birds did not awake to sing
There were no momentous shifts
Of the earth between our feet.
The world did not change in an instant
To memorialize the moment.
When your lips met mine,
I could feel your warmth in my heart
I told myself that I could do this forever
With you— just you.
And I was surprised by the permanence
Which I wanted to create together,
Like the ink on my skin but deep in my bones.
When my lips met yours.
Nov 10, 2018
Nov 10, 2018 at 11:33 PM UTC
the sky like fragile glass
breaking when i
reach
out
i grasp and claw
a hand on the corner
when it all comes
tumbling
down
Nov 4, 2018
Nov 4, 2018 at 12:28 AM UTC
Today someone asked
‘Did she love you’.
Because my love for her was stolen
A brush of hands, of fingers tangled together but always in the dark
A press of lips to her collarbones, her cheeks, her neck but never her lips
It was bruised shoulders and bruised egos,
Lost declarations and lost promises.
It was the words I whispered in her ear while my hands danced across her ribs
Or the words requested in the deep of the night when sleep was to far and nightmares not far enough.
It was second glances and curious friends
And stretches of silence and hushed arguments in the vacant corners of rooms.
She stole my “I love you"s and stitched them into her skin like armor.
And then she wore her armor to kiss other girls in the dark and to press promises into their skin,
To hold them the way I held her,
To love them the way I thought I’d loved her.
I thought I could protect myself from the pain,
But when I looked, I’d found that I’d given all my armor away.
Today someone asked
‘Did she love you’
Jul 15, 2018
Jul 15, 2018 at 11:55 PM UTC
You said you couldn’t love me
Because eventually, I would leave you
Or people would come between us
And force us apart.
But I guess you had to know that in the end
Your cold indifference pushed me away
Anyway.
Jul 15, 2018
Jul 15, 2018 at 11:54 PM UTC
I wondered if I could be enough for you
If I could whisper love into the fractures
Of yourself you hid away
If I could hand you bits and pieces
So you could rebuild anew.
But the foundation you rebuilt,
Was made of pieces you took
Until I was no longer enough
For both you and me.
Jul 15, 2018
Jul 15, 2018 at 11:53 PM UTC
I always thought when I left
I’d be leaving you behind
I’d be leaving us behind and moving on
Without you by my side.
And you’d resigned yourself to that
I think.
You said I was destined for great things:
To see great things
To do great things
To be a great thing.
I thought we were a great thing.
So maybe that’s why you left
Before I could ever say goodbye.
Jul 15, 2018
Jul 15, 2018 at 11:50 PM UTC
we were still, quiet things,
twin drumbeats
among hoofbeats,
background noise against
a steady foreground.
we measured our brokenness
like flour in measuring cups
pure and white,
skimmed and leveled off at the top.
some things aren’t supposed to overflow;
blessings are, but we weren’t blessed,
not in the ways we thought we wanted.
so we found a new covenant in each other
in soft words and soft lips
and soft promises broken against skin made soft.
still. silent.
but the cacophony grew too loud,
discordant, dissonant,
our drumbeats discrepant.
distance. disaster.
we were still, quiet things,
two drumbeats among hoofbeats,
background noise against a sporadic foreground
Jul 15, 2018
Jul 15, 2018 at 11:49 PM UTC
i was okay being marked ‘damaged goods’
because i was yours and you let me believe
that you could possibly be mine.
you found me beautiful, remarkable,
understood me in ways that no one else could.
i thought with you i found meaning -
i was made whole in your embrace,
my name never sounded sweeter than on you lips.
'no one will ever know you the way i do’.
i was unknowable the way most broken things are
the pieces were all there but in no discernible way.
no way anyone but you could look at my jagged edges
and find beauty and strength and love.
love.
it’s so strange how the first time the words left my lips
and pressed themselves into your skin 'love, love, i love you
i’m in love with you’
yours only grew silent.
i could pick apart the ways you twisted my love
made it something perverse and ruinous.
'you don’t know how to love someone’
and maybe i don’t but i thought with you i could try,
that i could learn be someone worth loving.
i was never one for fervent prayer
but i got my knees and i prayed to God.
i prayed for guidance and assistance.
i prayed for patience and wisdom.
i prayed to be absolved of the sin of loving you.
we were great, beautiful, and terrible things.
and i wonder if you ever truly loved me
the way i thought i loved you.
Jul 15, 2018
Jul 15, 2018 at 11:48 PM UTC
I memorized the way you spoke my name.
the way your lips curved around the vowels,
like the soft kisses you used to brush on the tops of my cheeks;
even the harsh consonants
rounded out to soft sounds.
soft lips, soft hands, soft sighs.
you said my name like a prayer, reverent,
as if holding a communion with God
and only He knew the right dips and sighs in pronunciation
yet He decided to share them with you.
there was teasing and jokes and nicknames,
but alone you whispered my name.
it had power. it had grace. it had meaning.
you were the only one who truly knew it.
sometimes i wonder, if when what we had died
my name died on your lips.
Jul 15, 2018
Jul 15, 2018 at 11:47 PM UTC