I've never been good at math.
Even my friends would tease me when I got an answer wrong.
"4?!" they would say incredulously.
"How did you get 4?"
"I don't know, I guess I didn't do it right."
"Nobody else got four, so you messed up a lot!"
I was good at other things though,
writing,
acting,
being funny and well liked.
People actively hung out with me and wanted to be friends with me.
But the moment I messed up they were on me,
hyenas circling their soon to be meal.
I think they were jealous.
I'm not stupid.
i seem like i am though.
my whole life, my parents have looked at me as a disappointment.
didn't join the sports team,
don't want to be a doctor,
can't do well in school,
born with a silver spoon up his ***
never worked a day in his life,
a disappointment, and overall
a failure.
My parents tried to have kids before, but I was the first success.
They decided one was enough.
-
When I turned 5, I joined kindergarten.
Since I was the best reader and smartest kid in the class,
I got extra spelling words and more homework.
It was supposed to foster early developmental skills and
promote my genius.
Instead I only have memories of dad screaming at me at the top of his lungs because I couldn't spell two right.
"JOSHUA IT'S THE 3RD TIME! TWO NOT TOW!!" he yelled.
But how could I know any better?
-
every moment with them is a reminder of how they treated me
yet they act like they've been perfect.
mom, always working
dad, always screaming
since day one it's all been my fault
ruining their lives, or so they make it seem
i'm so tired
it's been 20 years now
and i just wish i could have my own **** life back.
Jul 4, 2016
Jul 4, 2016 at 7:55 AM UTC
Fresh, fleshed out
my feelings and emotions flushed, hushed, must
be on their way to make me better.
Fast, flashed bout
maybe I'm finally becoming who i want, flaunt, to
see on his way to make his life better.
Jun 8, 2015
Jun 8, 2015 at 4:47 AM UTC
I am not what I seem.
I am strong. And confidant, and a confidante to everyone's swan song
our groups used to get along, but now like a stolen watch the time has gone.
People often regard destruction as beautiful, a sort of chaotic beauty that prevails through violent actions.
If this is the case, I am, emotionally, the most beautiful being to walk this earth.
I am attractive. I am smart. I am attractive. I am smart.
Repetition is often used to emphasize or persuade someone of something. It's been **** well long enough and I want to get out there.
I have too much **** in my life and I just want something to be relaxing and helpful in my life for ******* once.
Why can't I just have peace and friendship or companionship or ******* anything nice and calm and helpful for one ******* day?
Mar 1, 2015
Mar 1, 2015 at 5:41 AM UTC
Somedays i'm wasting away, others I'm feeling great
even with a lot on my plate I can satiate
my need
my want
a desire for attention and camaraderie or is it companionship
I'm afloat,
on a ship,
one that we all call loneliness
I'm gonna sink,
I can't swim,
this whole trip's just been hit or miss
and I don't know what I even want anymore
i've convinced myself of something
i don't know if i can afford
and
If i write more checks my *** can't cash
maybe i can finally be bold, or brash
relax,
they say just let it all happen
I don't know what i want or what's going to work out
but maybe in the future i can workout
and get my personality ****** out,
finally not an *******
right i wish, like **** no
i'm never gonna be done but maybe i can finally get a *******
start on my life and do something for once
instead of wasting time and just sitting on my *** falling apart seam by seam like stacks of paper, reams and reams, i'll see you all in my dreams it seems like i'm done i'm finished, i've won, it's over, i'm gone, goodbye friends, lovers, enemies, goodbye.
Mar 1, 2015
Mar 1, 2015 at 5:29 AM UTC
My grandparents died when I was 12.
I didn't cry.
My dog, my best friend in the world, died when I was 13.
I didn't cry.
I tore my MCL when I was 14.
I didn't cry.
I broke my foot when I was 16.
I didn't cry.
I thought I had my heart broken at 17.
I did not cry.
I'm alone now.
I can't stop the tears.
Jan 6, 2015
Jan 6, 2015 at 6:15 AM UTC
It's 4am and I'm laying awake half naked
worried about money and life, but that's
nothing new.
What the **** am I doing with my life and where
is the next step of the equation?
It's just like math,
all the tools are there right in front of me,
but I just don't understand and I'm too afraid to ask
how to proceed.
Emotionally, I'm a wreck.
Socially, I'm a wreck.
Mentally, I'm a wreck.
Physically, I'm alright.
Overall, I'm just ******* confused.
How many tears have to fall on my pillow
before something finally clicks in my messed up
pile of **** I call a brain?
Help me.
Jan 6, 2015
Jan 6, 2015 at 6:14 AM UTC
Lost in my mind in my body in my soul,
I don't know what I want anymore, but isn't that how the world crumbles
I need people in my life. Friends, lovers, enemies, anything.
Feeling like **** is still a feeling, and boy am I swimming in it.
Maybe my prospects are potential crutches for me, letting me move forward.
Why should I help myself when I can instead help others?
How can a businessman expect to succeed when his heart speaks louder than his mind?
Let me swim in a sea of tears, drown in a river of blood.
When did I become such a broken, sad man?
Simpler times call for simpler pleasures, of which I have neither.
Breathe into me the spirit of life and watch me choke on it and perish.
Bottle up your feelings and put them on a shelf for everyone to see.
Drink out of the bottles and think fondly of those memories.
Oct 12, 2014
Oct 12, 2014 at 8:36 PM UTC
It's not a job interview
I don't expect it to be
I walked into the meeting and saw him
him
him
who?
why should I care and why does it matter?
I don't have friends here, I don't need friends here
all I need is my brain to stop
I wish my brain was
like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Sep 25, 2014
Sep 25, 2014 at 10:09 AM UTC
We are young, they say,
like the new stars forming,
like the ocean sounds adorning
sleep to the city dweller,
with his leathered face
but handsome pay.
He's exchanging the sirens
for a more rhythmic pace,
taking off his coat
and professional face,
to press you to the wall,
forgetting the Keats and the Byrons
that came before.
We are young, I'm sure,
despite having to crawl,
despite disappearing into
the city sprawl,
and returning half a person,
only memory intact,
and a stream of shutting doors.
You're giving up too soon.
Too soon a disciple of established fact,
too soon beguiled by
your own stage-lit act;
a smile worn, rather than felt,
a dress bought for him,
but never touched,
and for all of the hands
you may have dealt,
not a single one
has kept you young.
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 11:44 PM UTC
Today was not a bust or a wash, but instead a push.
A day where nothing was lost, but nothing was gained.
I accomplished nothing today because there was nothing that needed to be accomplished.
As the days go on I will be more appreciative of these days that don't mean so much to me now. I chatted with some old friends, told them stories that were just lies tied to dumb jokes.
Listen to whatever music I happen to stumble upon and spend my life watching others enjoy themselves for my enjoyment. I talked about going home today, and where I want to go after this whole "Adventure" they call it is over.
I recollected all the places I've been that I enjoy. NYC: busy, but a beautiful bustling that would keep me busy, Salt Lake City: a blanket spread all throughout Utah, expansive as well as calming. California: a modern vibe that screams tourism and tries to hide it's problems, New Jersey, an interesting place that needs more research in my heart. A mix of city, nature, as well as ocean that never ceased to captivate me for the one week I was there, and the food, oh the food was unbelievable, hearty pastas and pieces of pizza pie that dripped with flavor.
I've never been much for pasta sauce as most people I know buy store bought Ragu and I don't much like the taste. But my uncle makes an unreal sauce that takes hours to cook and contains extra ****** olive oil and smells like a beautiful savory taste in my mouth.
I heat up, and wish that I was never cold again and want to sleep for 4 years and wake up in that place, wherever that may be. Your life revolves around you, but remember to have common decency for your fellow human beings. Let life take you where you want it to, like a passenger inside a taxi. Take me to Lex and leave me there.
Sep 21, 2014
Sep 21, 2014 at 11:40 PM UTC