I have spent the last 3 years trying
to understand
1095 days worth of questions
Like how you can still claim you love him?
How you can claim you just want his happiness?
When you're the reason it's gone
I blamed myself for a while
Thinking I caused this riff
That I broke your family apart
Since I wasn't the girl you really wanted him to marry
And I wanted to be that girl so badly
I wanted your acceptance and love
For you to call me your daughter in law
Or to congratulate us when he proposed
But you came at me with hate and bitters
Because to you I just won't ever be enough
This hung in my heart so heavy
That my love for your son could ruin your life
How could you let your feelings for me let you hate him?
And if you ask him you always have
From the moment he was born
Even he wasn't even enough for you
So 1095 days later I'm starting to realize
Any other mother would love a women
Who's seen the absolute worst in her child
And still stands by his side
Any other mother wouldn't be able to go
3 entire ******* years
Without saying she was sorry
That she was wrong.
I hope one day all that hate in your heart fades away
That you'll throw away your pride and love your oldest son
And his wife
That you'll appreciate how great our life without you had been
And how much you've cost yourself.
Nov 15, 2016
Nov 15, 2016 at 7:28 PM UTC
I didn't really drink
Not until you
Until the vacancy of a life I'll never know appeared
I chase the sunset drenched in tequila
Hoping maybe I can wake up and you never existed
And I never made any choices
I gave you away to freedom
I gave you absolutely no pain
At least you'll never grow up and hate me
I'll wonder if you would have loved the dogs
If any of them would have claimed you as theirs
If you would have looked like me or him
If you would have liked Scooby-Doo as much as I did
But I don't regret
And I don't often dwell
On you and the person you could have been
Or who I would have became
Jul 20, 2016
Jul 20, 2016 at 9:30 PM UTC
I don't know what happened to be honest
Maybe it was the first time I'd driven by there alone
Or I just felt the wave of nostalgia grip me just right
and drag me with it
I couldn't even remember which apartment was yours
Because even though I'd held you in my heart since I was Twelve
We never really discovered magic
Not enough for me to remember directions anyway
But I pulled into a lot that looked somewhat like yours
and stared up to the balcony on the third floor
Remembering bright orange hair
Me pretending to be drunk
Fireworks and getting you to count down with me
To a new year that you wouldn't be a part of
When I saw no lights
And no you smoking a clove cigarette
I got back into my car and sped off
Thinking if I drove by your job maybe you'd be walking home like you always did
That I could offer a ride
That I could offer an explanation as to why I was gone
When I retrace my steps with you I still don't know where to go
It's like they didn't belong to us, like I was a place holder
And I think about seven years and no understanding
That on valentines day all I ever wanted was a stupid box of candy
Or a note about how much I meant to you
Seven years was a long time in my life
Filled with honey brown eyes, freckles, loose curly golden hair
Many late night walks in our old neighborhood
Lunches spent in the library reading and sleeping
One date to get sushi, one night sleeping in your arms
So many debates I could't even count
And the first time my bitter heart felt love
But I drive home instead
Remembering why I just hung up when you yelled that I cheated on you
Letting you break up with me and never uttering goodbye
Why I spent the last few months as yours
Daydreaming about him
When I retrace my steps there is no sign of you
I'm starting to realize it's better that way.
Jul 9, 2014
Jul 9, 2014 at 12:06 PM UTC
It's a hole
This I am sure of
It leads down to the place where the sun never comes out
Where I'm sitting on a sewer drain
My hair in knots upon my head
My crown of ignorance
I shouldn't allow myself to make that trip
But I do almost daily
I see in the 20/20 vision I most certainly do not have
My heart ripping at the seams in slow motion
The way I shudder with every drag of the cigarette
A blank expression waiting for a sign that never came
I figure one day I'll be strong enough to fill this hole with concrete
Watch it harden and not dig it back up
But I truthfully never made emends for the reasons it got so far
Years later I don't see how I could
I mean how many people would listen in the first place?
So many nights I go down the hole
Chipping away at the foundation,
Watching it grow in size every time
I always imagine it will be different
As far as I know there's been no luck
I fear there never will be.
May 29, 2014
May 29, 2014 at 2:40 AM UTC
For all the hateful glares I ever received
On the topic of who I kissed the day before
I always knew deep down inside
I was begging for it
I never could learn how to say no to any type of attention
Especially that of those who had once been mine
I remember the first time I realized this
Feeling so satisfied with my wicked ways
I thought this was exactly who I had been chosen to be
The stares got longer as the years went on
And I was left wondering more than once
If they even knew the type of men they had "Loved"
And how they promised me so much
Or if it was just an empty gesture that meant nothing
It haunted me for years, leaving a burning in my chest
I had done it for pride and for revenge
Even once for the overwhelming feeling of regret
But I never learned how to believe I was enough
We say so much is different now but if you left tomorrow
And still came home for a little cold comfort
I would pathetically fall right into your arms
And the title I see most fit
May 27, 2014
May 27, 2014 at 1:35 AM UTC
I remember being 10
Looking down at myself
no one could ever love this body
I remember beating myself up
Nothing close to perfect
I remember being 14
Dressing like a boy to hide my body
Looking down at my body
Stretch marks and rolls
no one will ever love this body
So how could I begin to be perfect?
But this morning as I was leaving
You wrapped your arms around me
Kneeling down you kissed me on the stomach
Felt my stretch marks
Kissed my rolls
I looked down to a man who loves me
For everything I am
To you I am perfect
And that was all the strength I ever needed
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 11:49 PM UTC
"Do you trust me?"
Why not?
I had nothing to loose
Just myself, technically
So I strapped in
Do you know how it feels to dance for years?
I twirled in circles around my feelings for you
Love is what I called it
To be honest I don't even know when it became love
But when our lips fell upon one another for the first time
I felt the magic poets bleed for
I was stupid when it came to you
I let you kiss me in closets at school
Touch me in front of all our friends
I let you take my virginity because you made me laugh
And I didn't expect you to stay
I remember just asking you to pretend
To just lay there with me and not ruin what every girl dreams of
I guess in my own ****** up way this is what I dreamed up
Two unstable kids who desperately needed each other
And the horrible story of their first year together
I didn't trust you
I fear you one day reading this and knowing that
But let the sting fade away when you realize we are not those people
One year ago you held me knife to my throat
"Do you trust me?"
No.
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 2:39 AM UTC