My dear Father...
The **** do I say? Such a way with words, as those cracked records claim.
You thought so too though, you always did say, but how are there words for a heart torn away? A soul ripped in half and this gut wrenching pain?
How you were a hero - I've heard so many say,
You taught, you motivated,
You wiped tears away. You existed to spread love - yet felt unworthy to claim.
The demons you fought
your silence so dark,
They'd never let you see,
Just how loved you are...
True.
Deep.
Unique love.
Each one of us precious, In the Michaelest ways.
You suffered so deeply,
And what scares me the most,
That though we all suffer, you were my stone.
Our heads have such darkness, a uniqueness WE shared. Though all heads have shadows,
Ours was a PAIR
You've helped me through so much,
I couldn't describe. Your wisdom, a sculptur, has guided my life. My biggest regret, you'd never accept, that you were a catalyst, that helped me to live.
You taught me so much,
you've held me in strife,
Sitting right with me, endless yarns about life.
Or virtually advising, from far distance lands.
But the space never mattered.
Your love had no span.
I wish you could've seen, and accepted inside,
You were so special, cherished, and kind - My Godlike of a guide, and when the world caved in, I sought YOU for advice. No one will ever understand me like you. What peace I can find comes from the Truth - that our yarns WILL continue, sometime I know soon.
Your wisdom and beauty, your insights to life, you've gifted me so much, I'll cherish inside. Our bond can't be altered, I know that, not ever, for good or for bad, I am you - forever.
May 28, 2022
May 28, 2022 at 10:22 PM UTC
If time heals all wounds — I have petrified
turned to stone
can't decompose
As the night sky blooms
one by one
I watch the stars -
blossom
The earth is
jealous; I’m sinking in
I belong with
them
the other hardened things
Dear Death, hand in
hand
you've walked me too long —
now so heavy
rotting pain
solidified
I'll watch
on this sandy dune. The
night lights sparkle
only for me; bloom in their heavenly
beauty
And as the sky is set alight - and our own star rises -
may it shine a
broken body
Lifeless
if not from a warm
embrace
My hands
catch on the wind
drift
adding to a new dune
over yonder.
I'll smile, and the earth welcomes me - Home.
May 28, 2022
May 28, 2022 at 10:19 PM UTC
Why run?
Scream.
Abuse.
Cry.
A fool believed escape was nigh.
I love this stuff,
my dead insides.
Come on in, there’s death to find.
These vices are the pain and I,
need them to see -
sane of eye
Followed always,
steps behind.
Darkness... shadow...
reflective shine.
Stealthy...
Mr. Creeper - ready to pounce
Runs up behind, rose in his mouth.
Down on one knee, a dangling hand.
The prince, charming;
a puppet to dance.
Melodies play -
a hypnotised sway.
Lost in a second.
Missing for days.
The puppet that dances -
a miniature he.
Impossible.
Surely.
Who will believe?
The puppeteers eyes -
mine that I see.
I am the puppet,
I’m dancing; me.
Jester to most,
jailor for some.
Narcotically dancing,
self-loathings thrum.
Is this how it is?
Is this who I’ll be?
Masochistic approach -
naught to appease.
Apr 3, 2020
Apr 3, 2020 at 12:04 AM UTC
It’s time.
Quite peacefully,
Lay myself, down to sleep
My skin and bones,
feed the trees.
In the spring, bloom beautifully
With the flowers,
remember me.
To them I leave my memory
Maybe then I’ll finally
leave,
this deep abyss, this
Drowning sea.
To the endless quiet -
sleep.
Peace.
Eternally.
But if I wake,
to those above.
Their warmth,
redeeming love.
I pray they’ll have forgiven me,
for sleeping - prematurely.
Jan 16, 2020
Jan 16, 2020 at 3:24 AM UTC
Body
In my body
where it dwells,
darkness foggy
mustn't tell.
It escapes;
as salty drops
All controlling -
will it stop?
In my body,
there’s someone else
Deep inside -
I hate myself.
To this master
I bow down
This disaster,
forever bound.
This broken body
one day I’ll leave
My own hand?
Time will see...
May 16, 2018
May 16, 2018 at 10:29 PM UTC
Soft thudding
bare feet leading astray.
“Nǐ ** wave children, continue to play.
Alive! Life! Pulse of the night –
The Heart of Asia, a magnificent sight!
Engulfed by mountains
surrounding seas.
Tantalising fragrances
dance with a breeze.
This foreign land
surreal in a way
an expression of beauty!
A longing to stay.
May 13, 2018
May 13, 2018 at 3:00 AM UTC
Faintest of whispers dance with the subconscious.
Invisible strings manipulate limbs.
They believe they act on their own...
The sweetest gift is presented in silk. Bursting with rose-tinted malice.
The gift received a thousand times -
Welcomed with open arms.
Pleasing to every conceivable sense,
A shroud silently falls again.
The mistake will be realised, but not for a time.
Not simply a trick of the mind.
This powerful thing! A beautiful King.
Soon,
will meet his demise.
© Jordan Costigan.
Aug 6, 2016
Aug 6, 2016 at 12:44 AM UTC
I follow rainbow gutter rivers back to my empty downtown apartment.
When I was young, I looked up at these buildings in awe.
Shiny glass towers full of giants,
staring down at me, ant-like and enamored.
You looked beautiful in your wedding dress,
they said.
A decade spent selling disposable garbage to the masses,
rereading Ogilvy on Advertising and wearing uncomfortable shoes.
Today I’m one of those giants.
Do you still throw darts at my picture?
Do you ever think about me,
at all?
A thousand miles away, a little girl asks her mother,
to make her a cherry pie for her birthday.
She knows it’s my favorite.
If we have cherry pie, maybe he’ll come to my party,
she says.
Seven drinks later, I told my dad I was miserable.
A hollow shell of anything I’d ever planned to be.
He didn’t believe me.
After all, I had never let him down,
before.
The last time we saw one another, we ate dinner on the floor.
You smelled like you’d been on fire.
A week later, I found a strand of your hair in my bed,
and sighed.
It was nearly sunrise when I arrived,
leaving a trail of clothes all along my floor.
Lying in bed, I thought about how long ago yesterday was.
All those slow summer mornings,
and three-day goodbyes.
I stare down at the streets below,
as innocent wide-eyed dreamers shuffle their feet on cold sidewalks.
Somewhere a young boy leaves home for the first and last time,
and I think about how beautiful you still look,
in photographs.
Aug 5, 2016
Aug 5, 2016 at 2:06 AM UTC
Down the hill traversed so often
a well-known tree, though sometimes more.
Lacklustre to those who couldn’t know better.
Small. Simple. Secluded.
Oozing with possibility, endless realities.
This place is rich with significance.
Subtleties of every nook and cranny,
Familiar to me like the back of my hand.
No knock as I enter, though this isn’t my home.
Welcomed as one of their own.
United again my accomplice and friend
Ever ready to pick up where we left.
How can there be any care in the world?
When this world adapts to our will.
This place is for us and always will be.
For now, at least it would seem.
10 years on still sharp in my mind
how important a dull place can be.
Nostalgia, not always a comforting thing,
10 Verden Close – the last time I was free.
© Jordan Costigan
May 2, 2016
May 2, 2016 at 7:03 PM UTC
Rock hard butter rips holes in my toast.
Her hands do this flawlessly – but not today.
Beneath a mound of blankets, she lays
Completely still, though not asleep.
A smile crosses her lips, riddled with affliction
Thanks, but I’m not hungry, another day the same response.
Soon you’ll be a super mum –
Though right now it’s alright to be weak.
Until she is both father and mum –
I will keep her on her feet.
Now wipe your eyes and sit up please.
I won’t leave ‘til you eat.
A silent nod sends tears down her cheek –
Without you mum, there is no me.
© Jordan Costigan
May 1, 2016
May 1, 2016 at 1:31 PM UTC