i felt my soul begin to quiver
as it heard the booming voice of silence reach out
but my mind never faltered
because of the confidence i had in my soul
and the bittersweet realization that death is no longer a choice for me
i walked out of the hospital
hope in one hand, fear in the other
and a heartbreaking craving still in the air
i tried my best,
but i couldn’t juggle all of these at the same time
with my shaking frame
so i dropped one.
then the other.
now here i am, holding onto hope with both hands.
May 18, 2019
May 18, 2019 at 12:21 PM UTC
lost in my head
my thoughts should be led
there’s a soul on my mind
but that soul is not mine
i need to find hope
i’ve lost grip on the rope
that’s holding me together
drifting like a feather
but my mind will not rest
so instead, i’m left
confused and terrified
so loved, and so despised
i’ll carry this burden
obviously, but be certain
it’s not something i need
it’s a simple good deed
i’m forgetting the rationalities
and thinking of reality
May 16, 2019
May 16, 2019 at 2:48 AM UTC
It’s okay
I understand
You need some time
To comprehend
Your soul
Your heart
Your goals
And where to start
But remember
I’m here, waiting
For some day
When you say
You’re tired of wasting away
Oct 18, 2018
Oct 18, 2018 at 3:02 PM UTC
This is what it’s like to die
My brain is screaming
“cut deep inside”
I can see my family dreaming
My blood wants to boil
Make geysers from my veins
I just want to be okay
I want a rainbow
from the rain
Oct 17, 2018
Oct 17, 2018 at 1:58 AM UTC
You don’t know the pain
Of spending days
Feeling superior in vain
Thinking you’re closer to God in the rain
The days you sing and feel euphoric
The days you see hunger and ignore it
The nights you can’t sleep
The nights you feel better
Than you should soul-deep
You don’t know the heartbreak
Of dreaming of the day
You dive head first in a lake
Hoping you’re close to God as you explain
That you couldn’t take it anymore.
Oct 15, 2018
Oct 15, 2018 at 4:22 PM UTC
I hope the ocean breeze
Touches your skin
In the same way my hands did
I hope the waves makes you joyful
In the same way my words did
I hope you feel something without me
Because I’ve been numb since you left
Sep 18, 2018
Sep 18, 2018 at 3:24 PM UTC
oh, is this another game to you?
didn’t realise my feelings can be hurt too?
never expected me to fall for you? no. you knew.
and now i don’t know what move you expect me to do.
i could say i’m not scared but that’d be lying too.
i know how this ends; a bag full of scolds and i told you so’s.
leaving only when i’ve been through all your lows.
fixed all your flaws; broken myself even more.
Sep 18, 2018
Sep 18, 2018 at 3:19 PM UTC
i sit in the grass
and stare at the stars
watching glass
as it turns to shards
but i guess that's it
the story ends
if hearts don't fit
they break; not bend
Sep 17, 2018
Sep 17, 2018 at 1:23 PM UTC
he fought the unsettling darkness
that strangled him throughout every night
and that love that’s so ******* heartless
in some ways still blinded his sight
he would beg for his life to be taken
to the God he believed was above
his memory was so ******* shaken
that he always believed in this love
in a love that would still be the same
regardless of all of the seething
but this child was so tired of games
his sole choice was ceasing his breathing.
Sep 16, 2018
Sep 16, 2018 at 1:49 PM UTC
I sit in my room and think about things a lot. I’ve done it since I was a kid. It’s been a fascination of mine from birth, to just stare out a window and analyze myself, my friends, my family, and the world. I would dream of kingdoms in far away lands, of creatures that didn’t exist. I would create beautiful pictures of what god was in my head. But that began to change as I got older.
I went from daydreaming of kingdoms to having nightmares filled with sadness. My ideologies that were so vibrant and bright turn dull and colorless. I watched my own joy slip away, and I fell in love with that.
As I sat in my room more and more, I fell in love with suffering. With the chaos of the calm, but hideous night. I could feel snakes hiss at my heels. I wouldn’t run away,though. It was too comfortable.
I sit in my and think about everything, but now it is filled with dread. My soul has absorbed this hovering cloud filled with tears the color of tar. I hate myself.
I sit in my room and think about how I’m better off dead. I dream of the day I die. Every night I look and see the choices I have to destroy every living part of me. “Such a simple and pure way to escape such a complex and broken world”, I tell myself.
I sit in my room and I look at the bottle sitting on my nightstand. I contemplate how worthless I am that I have to take medication to live. I have to put chemicals in my body so I want to live. If my brain wants me gone so desperately, why do I deny it’s greatest desire?
I sit in my room. Maybe I should walk out.
Sep 16, 2018
Sep 16, 2018 at 1:36 PM UTC