Univited, unwanted,
yes haunted,
alone in a crowd
head up in the cloud.
Weightless, dragging,
nothing's making sense.
This is just babbling,
no more understanding
a mirthless laugh,
I am not enough.
Much pain to endure
and there is no cure.
Pounding head,
I felt dead.
Empty heart,
torn apart.
I gave a tap,
I've given up.
Jan 22, 2020
Jan 22, 2020 at 9:25 AM UTC
It's been a few days.
Just when I thought I was getting better,
Another of my broken pieces crumbled.
Out for a drink, this seems to be a routine.
I'm with a new crowd tonight.
It has been fun all around,
I managed to escape the bad things in my head,
Even just for a couple of hours, it's a relief.
It's 1 am, I've been drinking since 5 pm.
Time to go home, we booked a ride and filed inside.
An hour ride, it's too long.
My sobriety already creeping in,
I need a new buzz before I turn in.
Then I felt his hands on my legs.
Slowly inching up, caressing its way in.
I instantly froze, my mind went blank,
My body numb.
He turned my head towards him,
And he reached in for a quick peck on my lips.
I just sat there, frozen with terror.
Suddenly I'm twelve again.
Pushing my uncle off of me.
Suddenly I am transported to my bedroom 16 years prior.
Willing myself to die, while gagging on my uncle's tongue.
He is no longer him, he is my uncle,
I can smell his sweat, the ***** in his mouth, his cigarette breath.
And I am twelve again.
I just continued sitting there on that car,
Frozen, paralyzed by fear and terror,
As he caressed my body more freely now,
My silence, an invitation,
I am his and I am gone.
I have once again retreated in my head,
Surrounding myself with my blanky,
Holding on to my favorite doll.
I am twelve again,
And will be enduring another ten years of this.
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019 at 8:29 AM UTC
Running through this life,
With nowhere else to go.
Sticking to myself,
Got nothing else to do.
Hanging by a thread,
I can barely breathe.
Stepping near the edge,
Wond'ring what’s beneath.
Doing crazy things,
Always seeking danger.
Never felt complete,
Life has none to offer.
I am tired of this,
Holding on to a knife.
I am letting go,
Drowning out of life.
Then, in my life you came,
Helped me through this abyss.
You held my hand for me,
As my eyes starts to mist.
You’re always there for me,
Making me feel better.
I’m all afraid inside,
Will this really last forever?
Aug 27, 2018
Aug 27, 2018 at 10:47 PM UTC
Sometimes, it's just all about perspective.
People see what they want to see.
They believe what they are taught to believe,
Change things to the way they want it to be.
People often do not change, oh no they don't.
What you see does not really matter.
The beautiful facade, the smiles and the nods,
When this wall crumbles, you'll know them better.
People can lie, they can fake and pretend.
What you see is not always what you will get.
Some are full of **** yet empty in the end,
Only a few are true, those are the ones you shouldn't forget.
Like most people, I am a diamond, too.
I am beautiful. Shining and shimmering in the light,
Yet, I can and I will cut you if you ain't that tough.
I am multifaceted, you don't really know me, or you might.
I can change things to the way I want it to be,
Lead you to believe, what I want you to believe.
I can make you see what I want you to see,
Sometimes, it's just all about my perspective.
Jan 3, 2016
Jan 3, 2016 at 1:44 AM UTC
Sitting in the quiet pulchritude,
In limerence, I am drenched,
Luculent from head to foot.
Watching people gallivanting -
Some agathist, impavid with life,
In eucatastrophe, they are.
The lollylags and misantrophic,
Dillydallying with humdudgeon.
The rugrats in constant bumfuzzle;
Stroking their rumpots are the drunk,
A man and a woman, and a bingle,
Then a belgard was exchanged.
No noise, just music in my ears;
No argle-bargle of the blatherskite;
No conniption from old hag.
No need to absquatulate,
Just enjoy the quiet festivities.
Tiny hairs on my arms stood on end,
As I felt the wind surround me.
What a beauty this place is,
The hoddy-noddies took for granted.
Melancholy, serenity, strangely nostalgic.
Pictures of the past and the future,
Disembogue, delivered from my head.
All this images ensorcell me, over and over,
With a final intake of breath and a shudder,
I took in the picture, forever encapsulated in my mind.
Dec 2, 2015
Dec 2, 2015 at 9:46 PM UTC
*Inside the closet,
Under the bathroom sink,
My darkest fears,
It's all I could think.
This is much better,
Than the outside link,
With people in a world,
Where I could shrink.
Under which,
Where my world is a lie,
Is the only place,
Where my heart can cry.
Stopping only
For a long lonely sigh,
Means how I wish
Today I die.*
Nov 20, 2015
Nov 20, 2015 at 2:04 AM UTC
*Nice and sweet goodnight,
Visions faded into light,
In my dreams your face is bright,
Your eyes twinkled with delight.
Dreamed of you every night and day,
We're together so happy and gay,
While holding hands we walk and sway,
Following the sunshine and the ray.
Hugs and kisses all around,
Running, chasing on the ground,
My heart, your heart, yes it is bound,
With each beat and every sound.
When I opened my happy eyes,
I saw the beauty of sunrise,
Felt cold and numb like an ice,
With all these visions, crazy but nice.*
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 4:18 AM UTC
How glad am I tonight,
'Cause I thought this would be right,
Tonight I thought it was great,
Only to find out a little too late.
Get my razors from there and that,
And started one then many cut,
Fetch the pills from the cabinet,
Swallowed every pill that I can get.
Bleeding in my arms,
Bubbling through my gums,
Gathered it with all my hope,
I started to knot the rope.
Search around and run,
I stumbled through a gun,
Held it in my trembling hand,
And propped it in my head
Head in a noose,
Lips in a *****
Bleeding arm held the gun at loose.
I jumped from the chair,
Pulled the trigger through my hair,
I saw you saying something though,
I think you mouth the words 'i love you so'
How sad I am tonight,
'Cause this is so not right,
Oh, how this would have been great,
But you said those words a little too late.
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 3:39 AM UTC
I'm okay, I'm alright
I'm fine, I'm great
no, please no lies anymore.
I'm hurt, I'm angry
I'm devastated, I'm lost
no, please don't give me that look.
I know I always seem happy,
I've always been cheerful and jolly.
but people rarely see what's hidden,
they do not know what is true and what I'm faking.
I just wish they can see, beyond fake smiles and stupid lies and the thin sheath of a mask that I call me.
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 3:17 AM UTC
"I'm tired," I said,
I tried to walk,
but I stumbled on my foot,
I stand and tried to run away,
"faster, faster," I command my legs;
but no, not an inch did I move.
once again I fell,
"Please," I begged, "it's coming after me."
I drift into sleep.
darkness: swallowing me.
I tried to fight the unconsciousness.
then,
I opened my eyes,
I see the light:
my escape,
my final destination.
I tried to focus,
but slowly, it is closing slowly.
half crawled, half walked,
I made it to the light.
I entered.
my eyes are blinded,
by the reflection of the light,
in so many shards of blade and glass.
I cried,
"At last,"
I just have to find it.
I closed my eyes,
I felt it.
sitting dead in the center.
waiting for me:
the answer.
I fingered it,
I am pricked.
the sight of blood made me jump,
I picked it up,
and utter the last of my words,
"Alas, my sweet the end!"
with all my strength I pushed it.
tears streaming;
blood dripping;
knees fell on the floor;
blade made it's way to the bone.
body and blade in contact,
both cold now and lifeless.
my body and my blade,
have already served their purpose.
Nov 9, 2015
Nov 9, 2015 at 3:03 AM UTC