I've been wasting fall, preparing for the winter.
and it ***** to miss out on the best season,
but I just know that winter
will be so **** cold.
happiness starts with some weird chemical reactions
in the brain and is carried by electrons
where it ends with some weird tension
of the muscles around the mouth but I
learned in electronics that electrons
will only travel in a complete circuit
so logically:
if I smile, I should feel happy but
it doesn't work
and I've spent too long thinking
that I'm too privileged for my
depression to be real.
at least when you leave,
my (previously our) room
won't look too different, because
you never bothered to move in the things
that make a place home.
I'll fill the empty drawers somehow.
I know that I need to be stronger and I try but
it doesn't work
and trying gets hard when my eyes are so dry
and trying gets hard when the crickets are so loud
and trying gets hard when my body
is in so much ******* pain all the time
I wish you had gotten me
an anniversary present.
I wish you would call me
so I could know for sure you didn't
die in a tragic car accident.
I'd give you everything I've got,
for a little piece of pie.
Sep 20, 2014
Sep 20, 2014 at 4:07 PM UTC
every time I wake up without you
is another tiny heartbreak
but how many tiny heartbreaks
does it take to add up to one more
noticeable? how many lonely mornings can I...
unpacking my stuff/moving in
I'm leaving 3 drawers and part of the closet empty
so you have room for your stuff and I wonder
if I'll fill them after you leave
or if the space between my clothes
will be a reminder of your ghost
being busy is good. being busy
means less time to think about ...
I'm going to learn how to ride a bike.
I'm going to learn how to ride a bike.
I'm going to learn how to ride a bike.
I really like the way you look sitting in this bed
with the sunlight creeping through the window shades
and giving you tiger stripes
but you like couches better
"I can't wait-"
but you will.
You don't have a choice.
Jun 29, 2014
Jun 29, 2014 at 1:56 PM UTC
I've wanted you ever since I learned how to want.
With a box full
of toys in your closet
and a mouthful
of love on your lips,
you are just a boy
and there's something about your hometown
that makes me want to fill my lungs with poison,
its all awfully familiar.
Things are different now, but still the same.
I still get random urges to kiss the top of your head.
I still **** in my stomach when we have ***
but I'm more scared of losing you now
When my dad tried to teach
me how to ride a bike he said,
look at where you want to go,
look ahead,
and I still can't ride a bike, too busy
staring at the ground.
"a lot of what floats in head comes from you, it always has been because you are me"
Mar 30, 2014
Mar 30, 2014 at 8:55 PM UTC
I've always hated PDA
but when I see you I can't help but to
reach out and scratch
your beard because its a
really basic human pleasure,
to touch something and know
that it is yours-
especially when that something
is a someone
and that someone
thinks and feels and tells stupid jokes
and laughs at his own stupid jokes
and is better than me at the
crossword puzzles we can only finish
on mondays and tuesdays
I measure the passing of time
in crossword puzzles and the number of nights
until I can fall asleep with at least
65% of my body touching yours because
I miss you
any other time
and
all of the sudden
I'm really scared of you dying
Jan 29, 2014
Jan 29, 2014 at 5:11 PM UTC
I don't
remember exactly what I was thinking
in the moment when our car
spun into the middle of the
interstate, or if I was thinking anything
at all
When it settled into a pile of snow
on the shoulder, you told me
to pray because we were okay
but I was too busy loving you
and being sorry with every inch of me
that had somehow survived
You told me late that night
that you would be around for as long
as I wanted you to be.
and I hope you were right,
but I don't want to ever find out.
Jan 27, 2014
Jan 27, 2014 at 12:26 PM UTC
1. I've known for a while now,
but putting words to feelings
is one thing, whereas saying
those words is quite another.
2. You said it one of the first
times I made you come. You
didn't mean it, and I laughed.
3. I looked at you while
we watched *****
Wonka in your dad's favorite
chair, and I knew.
4. I tried to tell you after Thanksgiving,
but it just made me want to cry. I
turned away; I don't think you saw.
5. When I said goodbye to
my mom on the phone and
said it habitually, I thought
I saw you smiling.
6. You left a poem in one of my
notebooks, and wrote it in morse
code for me to figure out. A little
piece of my heart flew away; I haven't
seen it since.
7. Your drunk best friend casually
said you did, assuming you'd
already told me. You gave him
a look, and I laughed.
8. I spit it out in the middle
of the night, after weeks of choking
on it, and you squeezed my hand
and mumbled. The next morning, you
brought it up and I said "well, just
so you know!" and we laughed.
9. It's 4am and I can't get it out of my head.
10. "I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
but I'm so ******* scared."
Dec 30, 2013
Dec 30, 2013 at 6:00 PM UTC
and I'm always amazed by how much I can feel you
and know that you are flooded,
just like me,
with those stupid words we're both too scared to say.
Dec 16, 2013
Dec 16, 2013 at 8:10 PM UTC
but thinking about how
happy you make me makes me
so sad, and full of self-pity
for ever having lived without you
sometimes my fingers find spots
on your skin that they like to
gently scratch and I wonder,
if I gently, sweetly stroked one spot
for an infinite amount of time,
would I eventually wear into a
vital ***** and bleed you out?
because a gentle wave, over
time, turns mountains
into fractions
and I guess I'd probably lose my finger first
but still, I wonder.
I do know one thing though, I know
that one day we will miss this twin bed
and we complain
but I have found that it is
my favorite way to sleep
and the only way to keep
at bay the flood of aloneness
that presses against my chest every day
I should try to give myself some credit.
I am trying to give myself some credit,
but then there's you.
Dec 2, 2013
Dec 2, 2013 at 2:09 PM UTC
I was homesick until I remembered
how toxic this place was.
I am a decaying organism,
and I am dying in your arms.
every time you touch me
another couple skin cells fall,
and every time we kiss,
I lose a bit of DNA
so **** any way of living that isn't dying.
I was homesick until I realized
I had found a better one,
and now
I'm only sick for you.
Nov 25, 2013
Nov 25, 2013 at 8:17 PM UTC
Recently, I've started to wash
my sheets less often
and maybe its because the nights
have gotten cooler
and less sweaty
but also,
I think I'm getting attached
to the way my bed smells like you
I have the blues again and you asked
if you could **** them out
through my mouth
but I like you too much to let you taste them
and I'm ******* tired of being tired all the time
but I've never been
more motivated to keep breathing
than with you sleeping beside me,
just close enough that your fingers
brush my stomach
when it expands with air
and your breath
in mine, weaving simple harmonies
and I don't need you,
because I would never let myself
depend on a garden I can't water alone
but the flowers you planted
in my eyelids
are so ******* beautiful
and I'd really like to see the world the way you do.
I can't quite describe the scent
but
it makes this little
concrete room
feel almost like a place
I could call home
Nov 5, 2013
Nov 5, 2013 at 8:12 PM UTC