It's the way I look at you
The way you smile and your dimples form
The way your eyes look so genuine when you look at me
The energy you bring around
It's the way you make me feel
When I hug you I never want to let go
I get a warm and fuzzy feeling when I hug you
You're everything to me
I couldn't cope without you
You're my best friend
You know what I've been through
You know how bad I get
And how low I think of myself
But you stick around
You hold me down when I want so badly to fly high in the sky
You listen when nodody else does
You care when nobody gives a crap
I wish so badly that I could just reach over and move that random strand of hair from your face
I wish I could just watch you listen to music and zone out all day
I wish I could just kiss you and tell you everything will be okay
I wish I could lay in bed and hold you until you stop crying
I wish I could be the one to make you happy
But then it would be awkward
I wish I could tell you everything
I wish I had the nerves to tell you...
I have a secret crush.... On you
Dec 15, 2015
Dec 15, 2015 at 7:42 PM UTC
Everything was great once
I felt complete with you
I could rely on you for anything
I could talk to you about it all
You were the one…
I thought you would be different
I thought you’d never leave
You were no different
You left just like everybody else did
I had a future with you,
While you have a future with her
You were my everything
MY LIFE
I should get rid of your pictures
Get rid of all our messages
Get rid of your number
I should get over you
But I can’t…
You are everywhere I go
You’re in my dreams
You’re in my thoughts
You’re still singing that song to me
You’re still talking to me
I shouldn’t want you to be in my life
I shouldn’t want to talk to you
I shouldn’t miss you
I shouldn’t love you
BUT I DO!!
Dec 3, 2015
Dec 3, 2015 at 7:48 PM UTC
I remember fighting with my sister throughout my life.
More times then not, did it end with the words she always said,
"I wish I was an only child."
or
"Life would be so much easier without you."
I remember always saying....
If you want to be any only child, you can make it happen
I grab the biggest knife we own,
and press it to the skin above my heart
"If you want it to happen, push it in a little harder."
I can do better and be better
I'm not worth any of their time
I'm a burden to someone
They're all better off if I were dead
My mother should have gotten rid of me before the problem started
Thoughts like these ran through my head so often
Congratulations, you're the first to know that
I don't want sympathy, I just want someone to know
Just in case these memories consume me
Just in case something happens to me
Just in case the demons in my skin come itching back
If nothing happens, at least they're no longer being shot
through my veins like a drug
Someone else knows
Now what you do with it is ultimately up to you
I can only ask you don't judge me
My thoughts,
My fears,
My anxiety
They all still consume me
I'll never be anybody
I'll never do what I need to do
I'll disappoint you
I'll mess up everything
I'll make you sick to think I'm yours
I'll annoy you
I'll make you mad
I'll make things awkward just by being around
I'll make everything better I promise
I'll mark my not so empty canvas with crimson red
I'll push it in a little bit deeper this time
I'll solve everything.....
I PROMISE!
Nov 30, 2015
Nov 30, 2015 at 8:24 PM UTC
Life is not easy like almost everyone thinks it is. My mom always told me that life isn’t easy, kids just have it easy. I didn’t believe her, I fought with her all the time, and sometimes it got physical. I hated living with my mom, and I wanted to have my own rules, like almost every teenager. So I started leaving and going with my friends, and running the streets all day and all night, not going to school, not even caring what I was missing, I just knew I was free. I had no rules, no consequences, and nothing going for myself.
I was a goody-goody, I did the right things, I went to school, I didn’t do anything to harm myself. I remember those days, and I thrived for a do-over. I've heard things, that I wouldn't dream of repeating to my mother. I've seen things that no other person should have to see. I've seen people doing things that I prayed every night, that I wouldn't get caught up in. I worried that I would make all the wrong choices, and mess my entire life up, beyond return. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I guess my mom was right. School had no value to me anymore. I didn't want to be in this town I'm supposed to call "home”. I didn't want to be anywhere. I bluntly admitted to my mother that I was contemplating suicide.
My mother made me move with my dad in Buckfield, and I went. I went back to my moms for the balloon festival. But, two days before the festival, my dad made me come back to his house. I told my dad that I was going back to my moms, him and his girlfriend freaked out. They started restraining me from leaving, by grabbing the collar of my shirt, and therefore choking me. My dad pushed me to the floor, sat on top of me, shoving my face into the floor, and was screaming “What kind of drugs are you on?” I’m going to be 100% honest, I have been verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. I’ve been slapped across the face by my mom’s ex-husband, on multiple occasions. He’s almost given me a concussion, from shoving me against the wall. Like I have said, life is not easy… Life is not fair. But, had I not been through everything that I have been through, I wouldn’t be the way I am. I may have gone through hard times, a lot of them at that, but it’s made me strong and independent. I’ve had some really good friends who support and love me, I have had really good family friends that have helped me be who I am today. I am now really close to my mom, I am home all the time, I go to school all day everyday. In the past couple months, I turned my life around. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Life is not easy that way, you need school, you need friends and family. As much as you may think you don’t need family, you do. It’s is what helps you get through your everyday struggle.
Jun 9, 2015
Jun 9, 2015 at 8:17 AM UTC
I'm done, I can't stand life anymore... I can't sit around watching my life fly away, and there being nothing I can do to fix it, because I've already thrown the rope too far way for me to grab it again. School has no value to me anymore. I don't want to be in this town I'm supposed to call "home"... I don't want to be anywhere. If you things I've written before were bad, here's the worst thing, I have and I am contemplating suicide... There I've finally admitted it to the world... Now you can go and tell everyone how sick and ****** in the head I am...
May 7, 2015
May 7, 2015 at 8:55 AM UTC
My love for him confuses me
I love him like a brother, a best friend, and more
I love him in ways I can't even begin to explain
Because I don't even know how to
He's my everything, I'd be lost without him
I need him in my life
I'm just scared he'll leave again
I want him, yes
But I don't at the same time
I love him so much
I'm love confused
Apr 17, 2015
Apr 17, 2015 at 8:56 AM UTC
Here I go again, pushing people away...
Somehow, in someway I always do it
I push
I shove
I scream
Out of fear and anger
I always get rid of the good people
And replace them with the bad
The kind of people, that make me this way
The kind that make me scared to love
And make me scared to be loved
The fear that their love is fake
I guess maybe this fear is from my father
All the times he said he loved me
Then he vanished for months, years even
Maybe he's the reason I am scared to love and be loved...
Apr 2, 2015
Apr 2, 2015 at 8:18 AM UTC
Everything's getting all fuzzy,
It's like I'm in fast forward.
I have no music playing,
Yet I hear music playing in my head.
It's insane,
Wait or is me who's going insane?
Mar 25, 2015
Mar 25, 2015 at 8:01 AM UTC
"I love you with all my heart and soul"
I hope you know that when I say that, I'm not lying
And I'm not saying it out of loneliness like most people do
But I truly mean it
Everybody can see my love for you
Just by looking into my eyes
Just by the way I look at you
Just by the way I talk about you
Can you see it like they do?
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 8:42 AM UTC
It's 3-19-15
3 years ago today, you took your own life
You told everyone that you'd give up your kids, over your dead body
Nobody thought you meant it literally
But you did
The day we buried you was the day you had to sign custody of your kids
Over to the State...
With no chance of getting them back
I miss you
I cry for you
I mourn your death
You meant the world to me
You were my uncle
My best friend
Today, 3-19-15, I can't have you
Oh, how much I wish you were here
I write letters to you
And always end them in
I will see you soon
R.I.P Dicky Adkins 3/19/12
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 8:19 AM UTC