Im writting to you here becuase I cant in real life,
so here ill say everything I've always wanted to say
and Ill proudly say it with regret and humiliation because I couldn't be
any stronger, and anything bigger to say it to you in person.
ill say that i still think about what we were
and that i only do at 2 am, because 2 am is the time for heartbroken people who need closure and the feeling of infatuation in their life,
ill also say that any other time, I don't think about you because there's nothing to think about,
we had something
but it ended because you decided that having nothing was better than having everything
and you were too scared of having everything
and i was too scared of having nothing .
ill also say that even though i still might love you with every inch and piece of me, i would never want you back
because having you back is like setting my house on fire while im watching from the outside, it would just **** everything inside, but i would be left with nothing.
in the midst of all this saying, i would say how i miss our talks and our jokes, and how it could be anytime of day ill still think about telling you a stupid joke i heard, hoping to hear your laugh once more
to finish off
ill confess how i want to keep you in my life, because with you, even though i still, and always will, have nothing
you gave me
everything.
Jun 29, 2018
Jun 29, 2018 at 12:57 AM UTC
I haven't written a poem in a long time
I forgot how it felt to find the passion I once had for the words you once said, dripping from the same hands that once caressed you.
I think the reason why I haven't spilled my heart onto the white sheet is because I forgot how to feel,
and now that the blood stained feelings i had showered onto the pure white paper, are gone,
i miss it
because when they were there
my hands were covered with letters to you.
My mind now is so overwhelmed with thoughts that miss the place they call home
but the place i use to call home isnt home to me anymore,
its your home
now that your gone,
your the only thing I seem to think about late at night,
living in my mind,
im infested with the what ifs and i miss yous I wish i could say,
but thinking of you inst enough to make me throw up the feelings back onto my lap, like seasonal flu,
a flu so strong that it makes you forget who you are and what you were, but after months of sleepless cold nights, laying on a bed of regret and covered with shame, thinking of what it was like to be whole again,
the season has passed and
your only left with the fear that you might catch it again,
the same fear i have
that once i start writing again,
i'm left to catch the feelings i had for you.
May 12, 2018
May 12, 2018 at 3:09 PM UTC
and at night, when i get ready for a long night of staying up and no sleep,
the only thing i can think of is you
and i know that sounds crazy because when we first started talking i told you that it wasnt gonna last,
and i told myself that i wouldn't get too attached
but look at me now,
im here
thinking of you every moment of everyday,
attached to the point where i can no longer be me with out you,
to me it doesn't make sense because when i was little i would tell myself i dont believe in love' i couldn't picture myself with anyone
thought of love made me throw up the hope i had for something better,
but man,
when we talked and talked,
i knew that there was gonna be the day
where i fall to hard
and i wont be able to get back up
and nonetheless
that day came
not too long into the best thing that has ever happened to me
and to be honest
it shook me
and i realized
as crazy as it sounds
with out you there is no me
Mar 19, 2018
Mar 19, 2018 at 2:49 PM UTC
i cant describe the feeling of walking down the bridge , the musician playing the most generic song ever,
but for some reason
at that moment it isn't generic.
in fact, its like walking into an air conditioned room after a long day of being in the hot sun, comfortable.
walking down the bridge felt comfortable.
not only comfortable, it felt right
i
felt right
i felt like i belonged,
the wind brushing my hair,
the sun complementing my complexion
i actually felt like i belonged somewhere
i complemented the sun, the sun complemented me,
i have
b l o s s o m ed
my foot is in front of the other, walking and walking,
it felt like i could walk forever
replaying the moment of serenity in my head making me feel
a l i v e
for the first time in forever
Mar 18, 2018
Mar 18, 2018 at 8:35 PM UTC
i cannot say what's on my mind,
it wont make any sense
to you,
to anyone,
and especially to me, so
i won't say anything
and you will tell me that it doesn't matter how i say it, it only matters if i do
but when you say nothing instead of ‘im in love with you’ the words will swim down the veins of your lover like poison filling them to the brink of extinction and you will regret it,
so next time think of what to say
and say it or
trust me
it will change the whole game
and thats what happened
the game was changed when nothing came out of my mouth the day you told me i was your universe,
i instantly regret not saying anything,
regret falling like a fruit from a tree that i cannot pick up with my sensitive hands
but trust me
trust me when i say i wanted to pick them up,
with every inch of me, i wanted to be the one that gave you the fruit you ever so desired but i cannot hurt my myself to please you even though pleasing you was the only thing i had ever known
i will not destroy myself, for you, but at the same time i wanted to if it meant keeping you with me
all i wanted was to be there for you but i guess the poison i filled you up with was actually a magnet i had placed in your heart
and you were not attracted to me,
you did not come when i had told you that i picked up the fruit,
my hands bleeding for you
i would give every inch of my being to say ‘im in love with you’ instead of staying quiet
because quiet didnt get me anywhere but here
****** hands, self destruction,
in the sidewalk of you heart catching a ride to god knows where,
my love for you packed in the bags i have,
waiting for a ride that will come soon.
Mar 6, 2018
Mar 6, 2018 at 1:25 AM UTC
I don't want to talk about what school I go to, or what program I'm in. I don't want to talk about how I work in retail part-time or how busy I am. I don't want to discuss where I'd go on vacation, or what I hope for in the future. These conversations are just spoken in order to have a response, I say my piece and ask "what about you?". You'll take a deep breath and start on where you started in school and how you're stuck right now in this dead-end job but you swear- you swear that you'll know when the time in right to make a move in the right direction. You'll say you want to go to Thailand, and Dubai because of the cultural experience, but you'll never actually make it there. I don't want to talk about my family, what my mother or father does for a living. I don't need your compliments on how highly I was brought up, how perfect my life must've been. I don’t want to sit there and agree with you, and smile and giggle and say “I know, that’s why I’m different.” The funny part is you’ll think I am. When I get to know you, you’ll show me vulnerability- you’ll launch into some story of how even though you had friends and everything was completely fine you never fit in. On how your grandparent’s death affected you, or your parents divorce or moving cities. And you’ll look into my eyes, wanting sympathy, compassion and understanding. Because, you know its there, I give it freely to anyone who needs it. But after its over and through, once you’ve told me… that’s it. That’s who you are, that’s all there is to you and when I ask you what you’re thinking all you’ll say is nothing. Nothing. Even when you’re thinking something. I don’t want that anymore. I want someone to converse with me about what’s beyond our limited human level of understanding, I want someone to be honest about who they are and what they feel and I want someone to look at themselves as a work in progress instead of a completed artwork with chips in the paint, for once. I want someone who will look out onto the ocean and sky and see what I see. Someone who will explore what could happen if we simply, suddenly just lost gravity. If we all fell into the sky, if we all just suddenly choked in space and died. I want to explore if we’d see one another on the other side. I want to lay in a field and listen to the wind in the grass. I want to feel the earth beneath my back and smell the warm fragrance from nearby lilacs. I want to be purely myself and not harbour any judgement, I want to love freely and openly without any punishment. I just want some sapience and a soul connection. Maybe I’m just asking for too much, or the universe just wants to teach me a lesson.
Feb 19, 2018
Feb 19, 2018 at 4:46 PM UTC
I make things harder than it needs to be.
Its like I enjoy the melancholic feeling every time I think of you
but I don't,
truth is,
I did this to myself,
I was the one who lit up the matches and watched them burn to the end;
flame touching my fingers,
the ever so burning sensation I get when I'm reminded that my own self sabotage let you go.
Its not enough though,
to go back to you.
Trust me when I say that the thing in life I wish I had the most right now would be you,
your hand in mine
but the feeling I get when you hand actually touches mine, the slightest bit, isn't what I expected.
I made it like this
I ruined such a perfectly good thing, and there's no way I'm getting it back.
Feb 18, 2018
Feb 18, 2018 at 3:15 PM UTC
It feels like forever when I don't see you.
When I don't see the smile you bring and the endless waves that remain around you through thick and thin.
Your hand feels warm in mine and I try to make something out of it,
but it takes a while
and it takes a lifetime before the words that were left unsaid actually leave my mouth;
for the first time, I don't trust what I'm saying.
It's all nonsense like the way I thought we were,
and nonsense like the thing we are right now
But I realize
we.
are.
nothing.
as in we are nothing together,
but everything apart,
and the everything won't make it to the endless waves because what.
we.
were.
ended.
I guess your endless waves didn't match up with the end of my tide
and just like that you became and I didn't and
I'm still trying to comprehend the endlessness that you left and the nothing I have.
When I see you it's like the smile that was on you first comes to me through thick and thin
and the force of the waves isn't enough to push me into the nothing I have and make something with the things I still haven't said
And when your hand touches mine for the first time since you became endless, I smile with the things I have yet to say and the nothingness that I have
and I miss it
but, how can I miss something that was nothing ?
Feb 17, 2018
Feb 17, 2018 at 3:18 AM UTC
I don't know if im in love,
but I know that the love is there.
And I know that because every time I see you, the sadness I've had goes away.
But the more I looked at you,
I realized that the feeling was just hidden,
Hidden under the feeling I give everyone when I first meet them: hope.
And I don't know if its the idea of love I fell in love with,
or the idea of loving someone who loves me more than the angels love heaven,
but I soon realized that the love I had for you was just love
and nothing more.
I wasn't in love with you, I just loved you.
Feb 17, 2018
Feb 17, 2018 at 2:04 AM UTC
You had a lot of fears. From the day that I first met you, you told me you were afraid of many things. I thought you were overreacting since that was one of the things you usually do, but I had a glimpse of realization when we were in a room one night and I turned off the lights, you touched my arm and asked me to turn it on again. When one afternoon we were about to watch a movie and the only choices were a horror film and a sappy love story that was just 11% on rotten tomatoes, but you still begged for me to choose the bad one. When your cousin was rushed into the hospital then you saw a patient that had an accident being submitted into the emergency room, you suddenly walked away. And when we went to the cemetery and suddenly you told me you were sort of feeling uneasy. You said sorry to me because I will be loving a person who is a coward, and then you started explaining me your four phobias.
Nyctophobia. A phobia characterized by a severe fear of the dark. You couldn’t sleep with the lights off that’s why you always had a lampshade by your side. I always preferred darkness, and you preferred the opposite. When we were sleeping and I was facing your back, I asked you why and when did it start, you just said with a cold voice, “Everybody hates darkness. People's darkness, all kinds of darkness, especially mine.” I told you, “Not me.”, only to found out you were already asleep. And yet I still did it, I looked into your darkness and explored it. I didn’t see pure darkness, what I saw were tears formed by solitude, your past that you were trying so hard to forget, your broken pieces that you abandoned for they could never be fixed, and stars. My love, I saw stars. You thought darkness consumed you so much that you didn’t have light in you anymore, but you still have. Your soul was the perfect combination of lightness and darkness, and I loved them both. Even in your darkest times. I loved it even more when I came home late at night and was surprised it was all dark, you didn’t have a lampshade beside you anymore.
Phasmophobia. Fear of ghosts. The word originates from Greek word 'phasmos' which means 'supernatural being/phantom’. That’s why we all had movies and books with all genres except horror, except the ones with ghosts. You had a nightmare back then, filled with ghosts, I held you and assured you they aren’t real. While crying, you said, “They are. And the worst are the ones you never expected.” I didn’t get you that time, but I did the moment I saw one too when we went back to your old neighbourhood. They were the ghosts of your past. The ones who left you and still visit you in your sleep. And the different thing here, is that you never treated them as ghosts, instead you treated them as angels. That’s why whenever they scare you at night you mistake ‘guiding’ from ‘haunting.’ But you see, I promise you, that I will never be a ghost of your past, because I am your present and your future. I will also not be your angel because I will never be one, but I will be your someone. Someone who will help you overcome your fear of them, someone who will hold you tight every time they come to you, someone who will make you forget that you even had ghosts in your life. I may be just a someone, but I will be that someone who is always there.
Hemophobia. The extreme and irrational fear of blood. You wounded yourself one day and when I was healing you, you kept your eyes closed, because you don’t want to see your blood. You hated white sheets with passion and refused to have them anymore, for blood becomes more visible when it drops on them. And when I was throwing away the sheets I started to realize, I am the girl who bleeds poetry but falls in love with someone who is afraid of blood. You hated red for it signifies pain, you hated blood for it is a reminder that somebody or something hurt you so bad. So I wounded myself, I bled with words that could save you, I didn’t care how many scars I will be getting as long as you know that this blood that is pouring is not caused by pain, but by love. And when my wounds became severe already, you were the one who healed me, the healing didn’t really help that much since you weren’t looking. However one morning, I woke up with my scars getting better and a new bed sheet, it was white.
And your last fear, necrophobia. The fear of death. That was the first fear that you have ever told me and I asked you, “Why? Everyone will go there at some of point of their lives. Even us. The thing is you should not think about it.” But you said it was hard, you said it was hard to not think that one day everything will be over soon, that you will be buried to the ground and after some time, people will forget about you and will only remember you when they see your tombstone. I never understood you. I never got to. And that was also the only fear that I didn’t help you overcome. You never did, instead, you accepted it. I knew it by the moment you asked me,
“What are we?”, while playing with my hair.
I sat straight and looked you in the eye, “We’re in love. And that’s like dying, isn’t it?”
Your beautiful smile vanished from your face and I looked down, knowing that is your greatest fear. I was surprised when you said these words with the voice that I have never heard before, “As long as I’m dying with you, everything is fine.”
You looked at me like I was the only one you have ever seen. The thing is, I don’t know a lot of things and I have no idea what to do. But for now, baby, *let us just let love **** us both.*
(k.b)
Feb 16, 2018
Feb 16, 2018 at 1:48 AM UTC