jennie-1 - Hello Poetry

They say goodbyes are never easy but this one was by far the hardest like running into a brick wall you never knew existed They say when someone dies you go through seven stages of grief but what they never told you is how you go through each of them at once, juggling each emotion like a kings jester just trying to please someone who cannot be pleased I miss you They say "it’ll get better" like this is just another speed bump you need to slow down for or else you’ll crack your bumper like the egg your mother helped you crack when you were 5. But what they don’t say is, it never gets better. I miss you It never gets better, you just learn to deal with it. You learn to deal with the impending doom that one day you’ll be gone too and everyone you’ve ever known will live without you like their beloved imaginary friend they had when they were 6 that they can’t quite remember the name of. You’ve learned to deal with having to grow up too fast because your mother isn’t here anymore and hasn’t been for years because of her mental illness, like chains and shackles weighing you down but you don’t quite know how much until they’re gone. I miss you They say... they’re in a better place.. so why am i so selfish and want you here with me? Why do i want you here on earth where you dealt with demons so strong they made you die years before your body. Why do i stay awake at night and think about everything you’ve done wrong to us, seeing it play over and over again before my eyes like a bad drive in movie stuck on repeat. Why do i want you here when I’ve realized, you’re the king and I’m the kings jester.. always juggling for someone who can never be pleased.... I miss you mom, i really do. But, i miss the old you.

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Feb 9, 2019

Feb 9, 2019 at 11:18 PM UTC

jennie-1

I miss you

They say goodbyes are never easy but this one was by far the hardest like running into a brick wall you never knew existed They say when someone dies you go through seven stages of grief but what they never told you is how you go through each of them at once, juggling each emotion like a kings jester just trying to please someone who cannot be pleased I miss you They say "it’ll get better" like this is just another speed bump you need to slow down for or else you’ll crack your bumper like the egg your mother helped you crack when you were 5. But what they don’t say is, it never gets better. I miss you It never gets better, you just learn to deal with it. You learn to deal with the impending doom that one day you’ll be gone too and everyone you’ve ever known will live without you like their beloved imaginary friend they had when they were 6 that they can’t quite remember the name of. You’ve learned to deal with having to grow up too fast because your mother isn’t here anymore and hasn’t been for years because of her mental illness, like chains and shackles weighing you down but you don’t quite know how much until they’re gone. I miss you They say... they’re in a better place.. so why am i so selfish and want you here with me? Why do i want you here on earth where you dealt with demons so strong they made you die years before your body. Why do i stay awake at night and think about everything you’ve done wrong to us, seeing it play over and over again before my eyes like a bad drive in movie stuck on repeat. Why do i want you here when I’ve realized, you’re the king and I’m the kings jester.. always juggling for someone who can never be pleased.... I miss you mom, i really do. But, i miss the old you.

11

I wake up for the third time that night, I go to the bathroom and the mirror stops me like a brick wall I try not to look, but can’t resist And there i am Humpty Dumpty having a great fall I stare into the eyes of a familiar stranger Thinking, this couldn’t possibly be me. Could it be? I stare at the familiar strangers eyes, getting lost in the green depths of what could’ve been and what could be Could this familiar stranger possibly be me? I stare at the familiar strangers eyes and the depths of green change to grass and i see a shadow of a little girl dancing, so innocent and so free That little girl couldn’t possibly be me. Could it be? I look into the familiar strangers eyes and see tears wallowing up just begging to spill, I try to look away but i can’t, I’m stuck still. I see promises Promises of marriage Promises of kids Promises of a happy home Promises of loyalty I crawl through the mirror and step into the strangers shoes like stepping into an old pair of slippers still formed to your feet I feel broken. Broken promises Broken love Broken dreams Broken trust A broken puzzle, begging to be re-pieced I scramble around grabbing the pieces trying to make them fit as fast as i can Then before i know it, I’m pushed out of the mirror like a time portal. And now i look at the familiar stranger staring back at me and i know, this is most definitely..... Me

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Dec 11, 2018

Dec 11, 2018 at 1:44 PM UTC

jennie-1

Familiar stranger

I wake up for the third time that night, I go to the bathroom and the mirror stops me like a brick wall I try not to look, but can’t resist And there i am Humpty Dumpty having a great fall I stare into the eyes of a familiar stranger Thinking, this couldn’t possibly be me. Could it be? I stare at the familiar strangers eyes, getting lost in the green depths of what could’ve been and what could be Could this familiar stranger possibly be me? I stare at the familiar strangers eyes and the depths of green change to grass and i see a shadow of a little girl dancing, so innocent and so free That little girl couldn’t possibly be me. Could it be? I look into the familiar strangers eyes and see tears wallowing up just begging to spill, I try to look away but i can’t, I’m stuck still. I see promises Promises of marriage Promises of kids Promises of a happy home Promises of loyalty I crawl through the mirror and step into the strangers shoes like stepping into an old pair of slippers still formed to your feet I feel broken. Broken promises Broken love Broken dreams Broken trust A broken puzzle, begging to be re-pieced I scramble around grabbing the pieces trying to make them fit as fast as i can Then before i know it, I’m pushed out of the mirror like a time portal. And now i look at the familiar stranger staring back at me and i know, this is most definitely..... Me

33

You didn’t see me When you looked at me you saw another conquest that you need to concur When you looked at me you saw another notch under your belt When you looked at me you looked right through me When you looked at me you saw what you wanted to see, not what is You didn’t see me You didn’t see the wasted love i tried to give you, like putting tokens in an empty arcade machine, over and over. You looked right through me like a frozen window on a cold winters day. You put me on your pottery wheel and twisted and turned and molded me until i thought i was nothing but what you wanted me to be. You did not see me. He sees how pure and true my love is He sees me as living human and not his property He sees me as an amazing mother He sees me and he wouldn’t change a thing He sees me...

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Mar 6, 2018

Mar 6, 2018 at 10:59 AM UTC

jennie-1

You didn’t see me

You didn’t see me When you looked at me you saw another conquest that you need to concur When you looked at me you saw another notch under your belt When you looked at me you looked right through me When you looked at me you saw what you wanted to see, not what is You didn’t see me You didn’t see the wasted love i tried to give you, like putting tokens in an empty arcade machine, over and over. You looked right through me like a frozen window on a cold winters day. You put me on your pottery wheel and twisted and turned and molded me until i thought i was nothing but what you wanted me to be. You did not see me. He sees how pure and true my love is He sees me as living human and not his property He sees me as an amazing mother He sees me and he wouldn’t change a thing He sees me...

15

You missed out on a great kid. You will miss out on birthdays, graduations, first dates, and watching my child turn into the amazing adult they’re destined to become, with or without you. I won’t teach her to hate you, but I’ll let her make her own assumptions about you. Chances are, she won’t feel so fondly about you once she realizes how truly disgusting your actions have been. I’m proud of the child she’s growing up to be, and even more proud of myself for being able to do it on my own. I had my doubts at first, but now i see that this truly made me a better parent for my child. I stay up at night sometimes, wondering if you ever feel guilty for what you left behind. I wonder if you think about the last words said to us before leaving, and how you don’t have the heart to say goodbye. I don’t hate you, because you gave me a beautiful child, but i have lose all respect for you. My child looks so much like you sometimes, and it kills me every time she shows a side of her personality so much like yours. I hope you don’t consider yourself a real man, because real men don’t walk out on their families. You walked out on the most important responsibility of your life, without any regrets. Luckily for my child, there are plenty of people in our family that are more than willing and happy to fill the void you left. I no longer blame myself for your actions. I don’t see it as anything i did wrong. You are simply a coward who didn’t have the courage to stick it out through the tough times. Yes, things were hard at first, but things are much better now, and I only feel sorry for you because you’re truly missing out. She will be an amazing parent because you taught her everything she shouldn’t do. You set the perfect example for all the things she will never grow up to be. I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes and i can’t. I can’t justify a reason for your departure. Nothing you say will ever excuse your actions. I hope for your future families sake, you don’t do the same thing to them. Even though you don’t deserve the happiness that having a family can bring you, no one else deserves the pain you left us with. Being a mommy and daddy isn’t easy, but I’m trying my hardest, and i know when she gets older she will see how hard i tried and worked to give her the best life possible. Lastly, i hope that one day you look back on your life and realize how much you gave up. I hope you realize that despite the hurt you caused us, we will move on and be stronger for it in the end. So thank you, thank you for teaching us how truly strong we can be without you, and thank you for showing us we will never need you.

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Jan 6, 2018

Jan 6, 2018 at 10:42 AM UTC

jennie-1

To the "father" that walked out on my child,

You missed out on a great kid. You will miss out on birthdays, graduations, first dates, and watching my child turn into the amazing adult they’re destined to become, with or without you. I won’t teach her to hate you, but I’ll let her make her own assumptions about you. Chances are, she won’t feel so fondly about you once she realizes how truly disgusting your actions have been. I’m proud of the child she’s growing up to be, and even more proud of myself for being able to do it on my own. I had my doubts at first, but now i see that this truly made me a better parent for my child. I stay up at night sometimes, wondering if you ever feel guilty for what you left behind. I wonder if you think about the last words said to us before leaving, and how you don’t have the heart to say goodbye. I don’t hate you, because you gave me a beautiful child, but i have lose all respect for you. My child looks so much like you sometimes, and it kills me every time she shows a side of her personality so much like yours. I hope you don’t consider yourself a real man, because real men don’t walk out on their families. You walked out on the most important responsibility of your life, without any regrets. Luckily for my child, there are plenty of people in our family that are more than willing and happy to fill the void you left. I no longer blame myself for your actions. I don’t see it as anything i did wrong. You are simply a coward who didn’t have the courage to stick it out through the tough times. Yes, things were hard at first, but things are much better now, and I only feel sorry for you because you’re truly missing out. She will be an amazing parent because you taught her everything she shouldn’t do. You set the perfect example for all the things she will never grow up to be. I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes and i can’t. I can’t justify a reason for your departure. Nothing you say will ever excuse your actions. I hope for your future families sake, you don’t do the same thing to them. Even though you don’t deserve the happiness that having a family can bring you, no one else deserves the pain you left us with. Being a mommy and daddy isn’t easy, but I’m trying my hardest, and i know when she gets older she will see how hard i tried and worked to give her the best life possible. Lastly, i hope that one day you look back on your life and realize how much you gave up. I hope you realize that despite the hurt you caused us, we will move on and be stronger for it in the end. So thank you, thank you for teaching us how truly strong we can be without you, and thank you for showing us we will never need you.

19

You call yourself a "father", But yet, you don't know what size diapers your daughter wears. You call yourself a "father", But yet, you haven't seen my daughter in three months or asked how she is. You call yourself a "father", But yet, you don't know what size clothes she wears. You call yourself a "father", But yet, you know nothing about her. You call yourself a "father", But do you even know what father means? You may be her biological father. But you are not her father. You are a ***** donor. And it's not her fault or mine. It's yours. She is enough. She is beautiful. She is healthy. She is happy. And THAT's my fault.

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Oct 13, 2017

Oct 13, 2017 at 3:19 PM UTC

jennie-1

That's my fault

You call yourself a "father", But yet, you don't know what size diapers your daughter wears. You call yourself a "father", But yet, you haven't seen my daughter in three months or asked how she is. You call yourself a "father", But yet, you don't know what size clothes she wears. You call yourself a "father", But yet, you know nothing about her. You call yourself a "father", But do you even know what father means? You may be her biological father. But you are not her father. You are a ***** donor. And it's not her fault or mine. It's yours. She is enough. She is beautiful. She is healthy. She is happy. And THAT's my fault.

20

Do you realize you haunt me? You haunt me when I shower, Because I can't seem to scrub off the grime you left. You haunt me when I listen to music, Because you played music the whole time. You haunt me with each step I take, Because you once told me you loved watching me walk. Do you realize you haunt me? You haunt me when I smile, Because you said my smile is what drew you towards me. You haunt me when I love, Because you told me you "owned" me now. You haunt me when I breathe, Because you told me I'd never forget you as long as I was breathing. Do you realize you haunt me? You haunt me when I pass a white house, Because that's the color of the house we were in. You haunt me when I see a green door, Because that's the door color of the room I was locked in. You haunt me when I try to be passionate with someone, Because you wouldn't take no for answer. .detnuaH Haunted H a u n t e d

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Sep 25, 2017

Sep 25, 2017 at 7:08 PM UTC

jennie-1

Yesterdays Ghosts

Do you realize you haunt me? You haunt me when I shower, Because I can't seem to scrub off the grime you left. You haunt me when I listen to music, Because you played music the whole time. You haunt me with each step I take, Because you once told me you loved watching me walk. Do you realize you haunt me? You haunt me when I smile, Because you said my smile is what drew you towards me. You haunt me when I love, Because you told me you "owned" me now. You haunt me when I breathe, Because you told me I'd never forget you as long as I was breathing. Do you realize you haunt me? You haunt me when I pass a white house, Because that's the color of the house we were in. You haunt me when I see a green door, Because that's the door color of the room I was locked in. You haunt me when I try to be passionate with someone, Because you wouldn't take no for answer. .detnuaH Haunted H a u n t e d

30

.sdrawkcaB Everything is so backwards in my life. When I want to move forward, I move, .sdrawkcaB When I take 3 steps forward, I move 4 steps .sdrawkcaB Forward. Backwards. .drawroF .sdrawkcaB

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Sep 25, 2017

Sep 25, 2017 at 5:17 AM UTC

jennie-1

Backwards

.sdrawkcaB Everything is so backwards in my life. When I want to move forward, I move, .sdrawkcaB When I take 3 steps forward, I move 4 steps .sdrawkcaB Forward. Backwards. .drawroF .sdrawkcaB

10

If only I could just listen to you and abide, but you don't know how I feel on the inside. If only I could make you hear my plea, but you don't seem to care that this bothers me. If only you could see I love him and you, but for you, I can't have the two. If only you could see it's not as simple as "Your family or him", you don't see it as hard, but you don't see this is making my heart charred. If only you could see I'm not who you want me to be, but you think who you want me to be is the real me. If only I could make you see who I truly am, but it almost seems as though you don't give a **** If only you could see how I walk around like I'm haunted, but maybe if you did, you'd realize.. I'm not the daughter you wanted.

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Sep 25, 2017

Sep 25, 2017 at 4:36 AM UTC

jennie-1

If only

If only I could just listen to you and abide, but you don't know how I feel on the inside. If only I could make you hear my plea, but you don't seem to care that this bothers me. If only you could see I love him and you, but for you, I can't have the two. If only you could see it's not as simple as "Your family or him", you don't see it as hard, but you don't see this is making my heart charred. If only you could see I'm not who you want me to be, but you think who you want me to be is the real me. If only I could make you see who I truly am, but it almost seems as though you don't give a **** If only you could see how I walk around like I'm haunted, but maybe if you did, you'd realize.. I'm not the daughter you wanted.

15

They say I have hallucinations, "They aren't real", But how can something I've seen or heard be fake? They say "hallucinations", I say "superpower". I've seen things before they happen, and I stopped a child stepping on a piece of sharp plastic seconds before it happened. How are these "hallucinations" when I've clearly heard someone call my name or I've had a conversation with someone? "It never happened." How are these "hallucinations" when I've seen, felt, and heard someone do something? "It never happened." How are these "hallucinations" when they're my reality? The good days are my light. They make you feel like you're walking on air. They call it "manic", I call it bliss. They say I need to watch my "highs", I say, let them roam free, swoop me up in their wing and fly away. They say I need medicine, but, why cage a beautiful thing? The bad days are my darkness. They make up for the good days. "The low", the low comes and you feel like you're a zombie. You won't eat because food won't cure the hunger you have. You want to die, but the sadness is like an old friend. The sadness is too beautiful to let go, so you welcome it with open, bleeding arms. My sadness is disaster. It's my "reality check", It's my way of realizing I'll never be "sane" without the medicine they shove down my throat. There's a name for this, for these highs and lows, for this craving for taboo things, the hallucinations. This is bipolar. But, I am me, I am bipolar, I am beautiful, I am a disaster. And my bipolar and I, We're the beautiful disaster.

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Sep 20, 2017

Sep 20, 2017 at 10:27 PM UTC

jennie-1

Beautiful Disaster

They say I have hallucinations, "They aren't real", But how can something I've seen or heard be fake? They say "hallucinations", I say "superpower". I've seen things before they happen, and I stopped a child stepping on a piece of sharp plastic seconds before it happened. How are these "hallucinations" when I've clearly heard someone call my name or I've had a conversation with someone? "It never happened." How are these "hallucinations" when I've seen, felt, and heard someone do something? "It never happened." How are these "hallucinations" when they're my reality? The good days are my light. They make you feel like you're walking on air. They call it "manic", I call it bliss. They say I need to watch my "highs", I say, let them roam free, swoop me up in their wing and fly away. They say I need medicine, but, why cage a beautiful thing? The bad days are my darkness. They make up for the good days. "The low", the low comes and you feel like you're a zombie. You won't eat because food won't cure the hunger you have. You want to die, but the sadness is like an old friend. The sadness is too beautiful to let go, so you welcome it with open, bleeding arms. My sadness is disaster. It's my "reality check", It's my way of realizing I'll never be "sane" without the medicine they shove down my throat. There's a name for this, for these highs and lows, for this craving for taboo things, the hallucinations. This is bipolar. But, I am me, I am bipolar, I am beautiful, I am a disaster. And my bipolar and I, We're the beautiful disaster.

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