And your silhouette danced
like the ballet of smoke
from a lit cigarette.
Your smile was a curtain call, and
my eyes were a standing ovation, pleading
for
an
Encore.
Sep 13, 2018
Sep 13, 2018 at 3:36 AM UTC
You spark the elements in me.
The fire that burns the combustion of my heart's passion.
The necessity of the wind to breathe and speak of love and kindness.
The earth my roots dig into and create a foundation to grow upon.
And the depths of my ocean that crashes, retreats, returns in waves of emotions.
You bring me to again learn of love.
Feb 27, 2018
Feb 27, 2018 at 6:29 PM UTC
I’m still there.
I’m on your mustache.
I’m on your neck and shoulder.
I’m on your breath and
seeped into your lips.
I am present in your mind,
and you are here in mine.
So there isn’t really an absence,
is there?
I can still feel your laugh.
And your smile.
And the warm and fuzzies inside me.
I’m there inside you too.
Feb 10, 2018
Feb 10, 2018 at 2:45 PM UTC
I’ve found the meaning of family.
I see sisters laughing/ joking about who takes over responsibilities/ each sister attending to the others need/ partially/ I don’t know who is taking care of who anymore/ showing teeth/ assuring they are fine/ asking for strength/ even if just to relieve the others of worry
A husband supportive and argumentative and kind/ he calls her little girl/ a grown women fighting her fiercest battle/ he tells her she is not alright/ joking/ looking at her with fondness/ through eyes that haven’t closed in 48hrs/ through the oceans of tears he’s blinked/ he paces trenches into the floor
A family that has gathered at a whim/ over the Pacific/ across the country/ the smell of airports and car seats cloaking their sleepless venture/ the call to gather was heard/ it was answered immediately/ without hesitation/ one way tickets/ you too/ me too/ all of us
An incredible, unabashed bravery/ facing God/ fighting the pain/ without medicine/ without doctors/ without anything/ but the help of loved ones/ refusing to let go/ bravery unmatched/ bravery by example/ for all of us to learn
Silence in everyone’s eyes/ deafening silence/ collective gazing/ we sing a chorus of passing looks/ at each other/ at the phone/ at anything/ you never get use to holding back tears/ we know/ we don’t need anything more/ a smoke plume of red across each eye
A stillness in my heartbeat/ breathing has become a chore/ slowing my chest/ I remind myself I’m still/ living/ I’m here/ My heart beat to match the hyperventilating of my lungs/ it races double time/ triple time/ exponentially/ it turns to micro beats/ it stands still/ my heart has learned to comfort its own weeping
A calm lie I shudder to myself: I am not crying/ I am not the one in pain/ I am not the one fighting more than sadness/ I am not losing it/ the battle I mean/ I am not the one d-d-d-d.../ I am alive/ whatever that means anymore
This is a steam valve slowly releasing/ this is the oxygen machine/ running through cycles/ like waves of nausea/ this is not the scream of sobbing/ this is not the hiccups of drowning/ this is the steam of water splashing/ from the juices hitting blender/ now hot from being used on the hour/ every hour/ I’ve learned the sound of whirling can sound exactly like the clock hitting each hour mark/ this is the sound of the food being cooked again/ nourishment to the caretakers/ who haven’t left her side/ not once/ this isn’t screaming/ this is just steam/ and like tears on a cheek/ it will evaporate/ just like us
This is the product of seeing the youngest sibling age/ and wilt/ right front of our eyes/ too young to be the eldest/ too fresh to be most fragile/ her tissue skin/ paper mache limbs/ still sturdy and determined/ she stutters her words like scrabble and graffiti/ her thoughts missing pieces/ like a child’s smile/ she ad-libs with blanket/ she is bad at charades/ so are we
A fighter in all of us/ we are fighting tears/ we are fighting bad news/ we are fighting death/... / I finally said death/ I lost that fight before she did/ she is fighting our grief/ she is fighting to get a word in/ and her fight for that word to even come out/ she is fighting a war i can’t imagine/ we are fighting by her side/ each battle as unique as a fresh spring bloom/ each with the same outcome
A love in all of us/ I see it in every guided foot step to the bathroom/ in every new set of eyes that breaches the doorway/ I hear it in the Questions that echo back/ are you okay?/ how is she?
A fighter/ a lover/
a survivor/ a family/
Her/ in all of us
Caring/ smiling/ stubborn/ laughing/ joking/ worrying/ attending/ crying/ praying/ but most of all/ still living/ in all of us.
I found
the
meaning of
Love.
I found the meaning of Family.
Feb 9, 2018
Feb 9, 2018 at 2:00 PM UTC
And with your quiet groan
I saw those collar bones
That use to make me moan
When I held them
It’s written on your face
That we once had a place
That went through time and space
But now is not then
Jan 6, 2018
Jan 6, 2018 at 4:21 PM UTC
Two hearts
Cramping for more
Than what we have
Four eyes
Avoiding each other
Like bumper cars
Trying to play it safe
Ten fingers
A new search party
Looking for the lost others
One voice
Silent
Jan 5, 2018
Jan 5, 2018 at 6:59 PM UTC
I was asleep
Before me there was turmoil
There was doubt
There was anger
And repression
And judgement
There were excuses,
Denial and
Reason bending
I was asleep
I started to question
Myself
How did I let
myself down
I was asleep
Until I lost you
Now my eyes are open
To the joy
To the trust
To the gain
To what must be done
I am aware of love
And accept its shadow
I am awake
Jan 4, 2018
Jan 4, 2018 at 3:44 PM UTC
I looked into your eyes through shimmering teardrops
collecting into the birdbaths of my lids.
I found myself
among the endlessness of the universe. Although
not cold, I searched for the stars I wished upon in the distance.
No words shared.
My eyes were on a mission to figure out how this
galaxy wasn’t home.
You were ripped from
my heart
like a waxed strip on my hairy chest.
What I mean is,
you removed the growth I had nurtured
and left an area bare and enflamed.
And with the sharpened tongue
of words unsaid and undone,
your name was carved on a fresh bleeding heart
in shell shock.
Added to a list of names I can’t speak without a stutter.
Letters I read twice, like checking to see
if the iron is still hot and if my heart is still wounded.
The pain was
tearing asunder memories that have not come to fruition, histories yet written, like pulling the nitrogen
from a fog blanket on the city.
I unraveled the parts of my brain
that had strings to my heart.
Your kisses became fingers shedding
the Onion layers of my soul.
The outer layer was rough but sticky
and hard to cleanly remove.
Each descending layer that followed was juicier and
commanded teardrops to come fleeing like refugees;
first wave, second wave,
then a full spring of unstoppable measure.
And in your eyes I had moments saved
like zones on a video game.
Each time we looked at each other to recount our progress,
life would give a small countdown and ask:
continue or quit?
I wept for each person I met with you.
My inner self found their files and
embraced each one with a letter of appreciation and
kissed them goodbye with my sincerest regrets.
My eyes sang them swan songs and promised to
cherish their memory like a scented candle
whose wick was snipped too short;
More could have been enjoyed
But what a lovely burn it was.
Jan 3, 2018
Jan 3, 2018 at 4:29 AM UTC
Sleep
Why evade me
When I need you?
Charming me from a distance.
Like a sweet memory that
Wasn’t mine to have.
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 1:45 AM UTC
I held on tight
and wept in your arms.
I felt free.
Really free.
The free that lets go
of years of collected tears.
Like a hammer to a swollen piggy bank
of saved emotions. My tears became pieces of porcelain shattered upon your chest.
Each piece was a part of me I held on to for a future I didn’t know was here.
I wept.
Each breath howling testimonies of forgotten hurts.
I inhaled your words and let go
of a fear that my past was too much to handle.
I inhaled your love
and exhaled love I kept reserved.
My chest burned as if it were opening from a melodic password I wasn’t aware of.
I felt lifted.
My heart exploded light.
And in your arms,
I felt loved.
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 12:35 AM UTC