Today arrives with your name in it,
X, moon or sky
like it always did—
soft, familiar,
almost calling me back into a place
I still recognize.
I don’t know what to do with my hands today.
They used to wrap gifts,
My heart used to be nervous for this day,
type long messages,
trace memories into something tangible.
Now they pause—
holding a simple greeting,
hoping it still finds you gently.
There was a time
your birthday felt like mine too—
like I had a place in the celebration,
like my presence was part of your joy
and party wouldn’t be one without you and me in it.
Now it’s quieter,
like standing at a distance
and still knowing
which smile is yours.
We live in separate worlds now,
two lives unfolding on different days,
yet sometimes we peek through small openings—
checking if the other is okay,
still there,
still becoming.
So I’ll greet you today,
not like before,
but not like a stranger either.
Just someone who once knew
how your laughter sounded up close.
And here, in my own quiet way,
I watch time move through you—
another year held in your skin,
in your hair,
in all the things you are becoming.
I may not stand beside you,
but I am here—
in silence,
in prayer,
wishing your life unfolds gently,
even if I only witness it
from where I am.
And maybe this is how I understand it now—
that love doesn’t always leave
just because distance arrives.
That sometimes, it changes form,
learns new ways to exist—
quieter, softer, unseen.
Because even from afar,
through time, through space, through silence,
this still proves something true:
that I can love you
without holding you,
without having you—
and still mean it.
Happiest Birthday to you
-X
Apr 22
Apr 22, 2026 at 8:33 AM UTC
i’m learning to live you in smaller ways now
not all at once, not like before
just little by little, in days without you
there are mornings i don’t reach for you anymore
and then nights where you quietly return
somewhere between silence and exhaustion
you still exist
i am so different without you
not broken, just not the same
like there’s a version of me
left where we were last whole
and even when i try to find her in others
in new stories, new people
you are still the shape
she was first formed from
so i carry you with me
not to return back with pain
but to understand
how i became who i am
there are prayers i don’t say out loud anymore
but you’re in them
that you’re safe
that you’re happy
even if it’s no longer with me
i try
further the more lonely
the more i get used to it
the more deep and empty
yet i keep going
slowly
not to return
but to move forward
even if a part of me
will always feel like home was you
Apr 14
Apr 14, 2026 at 6:42 AM UTC
i dont even know what healing is supposed to look like for me
right now
because healing asks for direction
and i dont have one yet
i dont know if i am healing
if i wake up every day still carrying us
still measuring time by your absence
still hoping without knowing what i am hoping for
i dont know if healing is possible
when my heart is still facing you
while my life is supposed to move forward
and that scares me
because if healing truly means choosing myself
then i may have to loosen my grip on us
not because i want to replace you
not because you are forgettable
but because i dont know how to heal
while clinging to something unresolved
the thought of detaching hurts
the thought of moving on hurts
the thought of staying here hurts
and i dont know yet
which pain is the one that leads to growth
all i know is this
if i ever walk a different path
it would not be to erase you
it would be because i did not know
how to survive standing still
this is not a choice yet
this is not a goodbye
this is just me admitting
that loving you and healing myself
feel like they are pulling me
in opposite directions
and i am still learning
how to stand in the middle
without breaking
Jan 11
Jan 11, 2026 at 6:57 AM UTC
what the fog kept
tonight i sit with the ache
that comes when the world is quiet
and memory speaks louder
than reason ever will
i didnt mean to hurt you
i didnt mean to hurt you
i whisper it like a prayer
hoping it might reach the past
find you before the walls
before the quiet learned your name
i will never forget such day
midday in the field
beneath the tree that asked nothing
fog passing through our faces
wind tracing our cheeks
as if the earth itself breathes beside us
rain touching our skin slowly
reminding us
that even endings
can still feel alive
you played your music
your own collection of songs
ones that knew you before me
ones that found you again
each note felt familiar and distant
like a memory returning
without asking permission
saying this is who i was and
this is who i still am
the day held a quiet sadness
a calm that comes from knowing
what is about to be lost
two hearts settling into truth
because there was no other way
to save what we were holding
what was hurting
who was healing
we shared love with hands moving carefully
as if it could keep the moment
from falling apart
i hoped quietly
that this would not be the last
that somehow it could be
one of the first again
but love does not always leave
because it disappears
sometimes it leaves
because staying asks too much
because even love learns
when it has reached its edge
and still
i am here
still hoping
not loudly
not desperately
but in the quiet way that waits
the kind of hope that does not chase
or replace
or demand
if there is a version of us
that ever finds its way back
it will know where to find me
under this tree
in this field
waiting without anger
waiting without asking
i will probably grow old here
bury me in waiting
not in forgetting
loving you the only way left
by letting you be free
while i remain
and if the field remembers us
if the tree still stands
then somewhere
in fog and rain and borrowed songs
our love existed honestly
doing the best it could
with the selves we had back then
- x
Jan 9
Jan 9, 2026 at 6:43 AM UTC
I am sorry
for the days I loosened my grip,
when love asked for hands
and I answered with silence.
I mistook exhaustion for indifference,
thought survival was selfishness,
and listened too closely
to the ache in my own chest
while missing the sound
of another heart asking to be heard.
I gave up on “us”
not because I didn’t care,
but because belief grew heavy
without proof to lean on.
I wanted certainty,
but doubt sat beside me—
quiet, persistent—
until faith felt like a language
I no longer spoke fluently.
I lacked belief, yes.
Not because he was unworthy,
but because I was tired of believing
alone.
I asked what your plans we’re
I was looking for hope
Something to look forward to
Something concrete to hold on to.
I see myself now:
not cruel,
not careless,
just human—
trying to love
while running out of strength.
And if this is my fault,
let it be this:
I loved with what I had left,
even when it wasn’t enough
to save us.
-For x
Jan 3
Jan 3, 2026 at 3:38 PM UTC
*bury me with the shameful ashes of our past
drown me with your passionate kisses and whisper me that we'll last
take the one last innocent glance
before i drink the liquory glass
i'm on ceasefire
so ready to conspire
hold me tighter and
share me your drunkful desires*
Mar 28, 2017
Mar 28, 2017 at 3:14 AM UTC
You are a drug to me
Im a passionate jitterbug when you hold me, carelessly falling like a debris, avoiding all casualty
I wanna kiss your lips
Pull you with my tight grips, hold your hips, endlessly killing you with my kiss
Im in love with you
In and through the blues,
Hon, what allure do you have
It got me all stuck and caught through your rendezvous,
slept all sizzled by our paramour
woke up in the morning all so glamoured, your love always felt me so pampered
Mar 22, 2017
Mar 22, 2017 at 12:15 PM UTC
Putting myself at risk or being spontaneous of the feeling of death makes me happy because its what makes me feel alive even for just a moment
Mar 22, 2017
Mar 22, 2017 at 12:09 PM UTC
I will love you until the day the moon will vanish into its dark vast space
Until the stars slowly untwinkle as you close your eyes during the night.
And until i see the morning sun rising reflected upon your brown eyes
I will unconditionally love you until our universe will inevitably explode into the void
Just as how defeaning our world crashes and collides,
Is just as perfectly how i would want to loudly speak your name and yell how solemnly am deeply inlove with you
Mar 22, 2017
Mar 22, 2017 at 11:56 AM UTC
i was once a stray dog hungry for affection and adoration, a terrible narcissist stuck with this forlorn and poignant emotions
i was once a substance of melting sorrow and self-loath
then you came
and everythings changed
Mar 22, 2017
Mar 22, 2017 at 11:23 AM UTC